So a little over a week ago, 2 Wednesdays ago, I went to pick up my best friend Dan from Fort Collins. He got left behind when he was on his way back to my house. I was so excited to find out that he was coming back home in stead of moving out to California... He left the rainbow gathering before it even started. I mean there were a lot of people there, but the festival hadn't exactly started yet. So I picked him up, brought him home, he was super super sick from standing in the rain after getting ditched since 4am that morning.
Anyways, long story short, I had found out he liked me the day he was leaving the house, but I didn't think too much of it, but like friday, I guess he pretty much asked me out. Sorta. I cried for two days, just freaking out about the thought of a relationship. I wasn't too excited about it, scared, afraid to be hurt, afraid I'd lose my best friend, ect. He really isn't my type either, but we had been friends for a long time, I knew I got along with him, so this is really my first post, saying who I am dating. I havn't added a relationship change on fb because I'm choosing not to for a while.
Anyways, I think it was Thursday, I had to run him to the ER because he was coughing up blood...
Than Saturday I broke my ankle, and he has been taking very very good care of me, and taking care of Crescent. Than now I'm sick, so he has been taking even more care of me.
Also my ex Derek texted me saying he thinks about me, and misses me, than goes off saying how he isn't happy for me because I'm dating someone now, but he is just glad he didn't destroy me. LIke wow dude, some nerves!!!!!! He really does just think about himself, and can't be happy for me, that I'm happy now? At least I waited like 3 months till I fucked another person. Gosh.
But yea, broken ankle, sick, soar throat, fever, I think I have pink eye, so not been such an awesome week... Besides constantly hearing from Dan 'You've had a lot of shitty boyfriends in your life, you need to stop saying sorry, you're going to have to get used to knowing what its like to have someone treat you right.' He makes me happy, always has, even when I just looked at him as nothing but a friend, he was my best friend. But I'm still scared, worried, afraid, and trying to just not tell anyone pretty much, VF is just less drama, so I figured I'd start here.
Oh yea, and I now have an awesome roommate!!! So glad I can actually find a chick friend I can socialize with besides my bestie Sarah.
Colorado, a horrid state that consists of 4 months of summer.
Yesterday I went for my run, was going pretty well. Than my dog got distracted, and stopped, staring at a dog, or sniffing something, and when I caught up to him, I called for his attention to run with me. Well when I did, he bumped into me, and I rolled my ankle.
I walked all the way home on it. 30 minutes. Came home and was debating rather I should tell my roommate or not what had happened, but with 2 flights of stairs, I was in tears by the time I came into my room.
Of course the first thing he says was 'Why didn't you call me'
Well as I was walking, I didn't even think about him driving my car to get me, all I thought about was 'he is too sick to carry my fat ass all the way home.'
So, he fixed me up, and once I fell asleep (12am) I just couldn't get comfortable to the point where I wasn't in pain. 4am: Crying.
9am, I go to the doctors, and before I left, I was told it was broken.
So now I have crutches so I can get around!!! But I'm yet to walk down a set of stairs in crutches... I'm afraid of heights. I'm perfectly fine climbing a tree, but getting down, fuck that. Even going up the stairs is scary enough!
So, Dan has to take care of my dog, and clean the house before my new roommate moves in on Saturday. I feel so so so bad. I just want to cry because I'm not used to asking for help from anyone. I'm a very independent person and can do everything on my own. Well standing over the sink, washing dishes, I realized 'If I lived alone, I wouldn't have a single clue what to do about myself. I'd let my ankle heal wrong, I'd be up and about doing other crap when my foot should be elevated' Shit, I didn't even know it'd have to be elevated, or who to put a wrap around it. Makes me think of my dad, and if he got sick, which he has been for a few months, but what if it was even worse? I feel bad enough that he was so sick and I couldn't feed him or take care of him like my mom. And he is all alone :'(
My whole summer has gone to waste. I had camping trips planned for this summer. first time since I've moved to colorado, I was going to go camping. I also was going to run a marathon, 5k, with my best friend Sarah, now I can't do that. I cant exercise besides sit ups.... my legs are gonna get fat, I'm gonna get fat, I hate my face.....
BUT! I have my best friend here to take care of me, 3 months. He is going to take care of me for 3 months... Thats a long time. Also, me and him were supposed to take a trip out to Cali in July. He was gonna beach bum, and I was gonna visit my family. Now idk if I'll even be able to do that. I mean I guess I could? If he came with me to my grandparents. Luckily theres 2 bedrooms there haha.
How am I supposed to work?! I guess I still can, thats a good thing at least. I just have to keep my foot elevated and balance somehow while taking pictures.
Sometimes you just have to realize some things will never happen, and you've got to stop waiting around. You've got to move on, even if you think waiting is totally worth it, sometimes it just will never ever happen.
No matter how bad you want it, even if you go to get it, if its not meant to be, it wont happen. So much for achieving your dreams, getting what you'll work for, and doing everything for it, because it'll only stand in the way of something else that is supposed to happen if you just keep focusing on what isn't meant to be.
I remember running... running through a forest, as fast as I can; being chased. I remember doing it often. Following someone, and trying to step where they stepped, so I didn't end up tripping over something. I've only done that once for sure though. And that was a more recent thing though. I was being chased through a forest. Just last year I think. But I've had these memories for ages. Since I was young.
A memory, or a dream, or just an old feeling. When I watch movies of people being chased through a forest, I suddenly 'remember' staring down at the ground, making sure I don't run into a hole, watching my step, making sure I don't slip.
When I was younger and used to play tag, when I'd get chased, I suddenly would get this fear of being chased. I'd freak out, and would run as fast as I possibly could.
I used to get this dreams of myself on a swing, wearing a white victorian gown... all I'd see was my dress and my feet, swinging back and forth.
Were these two different pasts I've had?