Due to censorship rules at my place of buisness, most of my posts will now be friends only, just so that i don't get into trouble if someone reads something they don't like. This is MY Journal, where i write about ME Don't like it, don't try to get to know me... simplez
how can i expect any of you to accept me the way i am when i can't accept my self the way i am. I need to disappear become the love you once recognised. Become everything I can rather then the resentment of what i could have been. I'm so sorry to each and every single one of you for you are the people who helped get me to where i am, but i tell a lie to my self when i say i am happy, it is more a case of i'm not miserable and i think i need to find a happy medium where i'm simply not sad and that will be when i'm truly the happiest, because right now i feel terrible when i'm away from any of you, but i feel even worse when i'm with you and it doesn't feel natural any more, almost forced as if at gun point... oh the irony, the choice between living a life worth while or dying and you still pick not dying... suicide is such a tricky aspect of death to truly get your mind around, and i feel sorry for those who are capable of achieving such a dishonourable death for there is something special in being able to beat the pre-ape instinct of self preservation.
When i see her, I want to say hi. Just standing there, she shoots me a smile... And i want to run a mile. How can crave something, that scares me so Mood: PEEVED
Under 25: £53.45 per week Over 25: £67.50 per week Couple (both over 18): £105.95 per week
so if move in with someone and start a joint claim we loose £0.95pw i know it doesn't sound much, but at the end of the year it turns into a loss of £15pw...
£69.23 pw for a 1 bed room house, living on my own or living with my partner. £86.54 pw for a 2 bed room house, declairing seperate claims.
£122.68pppw* for two people living seperatly £96.72 pppw* for two people sharing a house with seperate rooms *with an additional £15pppw for persons over 25 £87.59 pppw for a couple sharing a house with a single bed room (pppw = per person per week)
And the politicians wonder why britian is broken? serriesly if i can do the maths at half two in the morning why have they not realiesed the system needs changing to encourage good family units. I'm not saying that people should be living off the state, but with the trend of employment being out sourcing and replacement with automated machines there is less and less jobs for more and more people.
that i don't love her like i used to... and i can't lie and say that i do, because neither of us seem to be who we once where. and i just feel like an asshole for letting her go through this... got two more weeks of being here with her, and it's not fair...
i didn't want it to end like this... hell i never wanted it to end, but i guess when you get new people in your life you gain new bonds, and old ones suffer, become damaged and repair is impossible...
i do still love her, it's just... feels like so much effort... that i'm not putting in. People change, and i think we just changed too much with out checking in with each other often enough...
i (need) want certain things in my life, and getting them from her just doesn't seem like a possibility. While i'm a devil your an innocent, you make efforts, but there baby crawls while i'm trying to run a marathon.
I do want to be with you... but i don't feel like i can be me around you...
i feel like such a jerk, but part of the reason why i'm polyamorus is because i'm always lookin for the next adventure... and my last partner often just wants to enjoy where they've gotten to...
stay away from me... let me die knowing no-one will miss me... Mood: suicidal
