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Twilight_Archer's Journal
Arrows Made of Black Sunlight
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Attention-oops!
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August 26, 2008, 02:50:am
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So. Class went well today. Very well. I like my History and Religions classes. The teachers are engaging and dramatic. :]
But best of all, was what happened when I got back to town. I just... Even after all this time, I have the feeling that I'll date CS. We're both single now and we've always thought the other physically attractive. Well, today, after class, once I got back into town, I kinda joked about going into the store. My friend, Linnea, asked me why.
"I think I feel like flirting." I told her, very seriously, and then cracked a smile. So I walked in, mosied around for a bit and then walked down the produce aisle. I came to the very end and... Low and behold, there he is. He looks up, I wave and smile... And he promptly knocks over the cart he has filled with vegetables and berries. Blueberries and raspberries go scattering everywhere, melons go rolling. I feel terrible, even though I get this huge ego boost, because he was distracted by ME. So I go over and help him pick it all up, all the while, asking how his day is going, talk about classes and what not.
I go and buy my drink, then come back and tell him I'll probably see him tomorrow if he's on campus.
"Oh, yeah! See you tomorrow then!" And my heart goes into overdrive, even as I walk out the doors with a huge smile plastered onto my face. I walk by the bus that Linnea is on, see her watching me, eyebrows up in question like "What are you so happy about?" So I shoot her a thumbs up, grin even wider and then go about my business.
I also found out we have the same teacher for a few classes, and I have a one hour break, while he has one as well. I'm hoping to spend some time with him tomorrow afternoon before I leave.
*sighs and then hits self on head* I shouldn't be doing this, I don't have the time... But I can't help it. I like him. I always have.
And then I saw another kid whom I hadn't seen for two years, GG. Holy crap! He kept talking to me, so I assume he found me more to his liking than he did a few years ago when I had a small crush on him. But then, I actually wear clothes where you can see I have a body, rather than the baggy monstrosities that I used to wear. Very much flattered by the attention.
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New. Newnewnewnewnewnew.
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August 14, 2008, 04:40:pm
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Heres to a new start! I have a full range of classes this semester, things I'm interested in, hopefully I'll do well.
Cultural Anthropology, History of Ancient and Medieval Art, World Civilizations: Prehistoric to 1700s, English Fundamentals, and World Religions and Spirituality. 12 credits.
I'll be riding the local transit to school, I'll only be able to work Tuesdays, and Thursday through Sunday. I'll be on campus for a change. Crazy. But it means I'll get to meet new people, people my age, make new friends... I'm excited about that. I'm lonely right now. :[ No boyfriend, no close friends... I have work and family.
I would really love to make some RW friends.
*sighs* Anyway, off to go spend almost 500 dollars on my textbooks.
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Just... done.
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June 24, 2008, 04:06:am
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It's been almost a month and a half now and I think... I think I'm doing better. I say "think" because it isn't definite. I haven't seen him for a while, and when I do, I'm afraid that it will break me down again. And I do miss him as a friend at least. I miss all of them.
But I do feel better about being single. When me and Randy hung out almost everyday for those two weeks, he hinted at an "us" and it made me jittery. I talked to him, for quite a while one evening, telling him I didn't think I really wanted anything serious. I don't do the "casual dating" where you have a date with one person on Monday and another on Thursday, but I don't think I can take such a serious "I'm just with [i]you[/i]" relationship at the moment. I don't know if I even want to date, at least, not anyone around here.
I want to move. I'm seriously thinking about searching for a different community college, one not so close to home, that way I can just... Be. Even my mom is beginning to realize that she needs to let go. She was talking about getting a new coffee table and then she stopped and said "We'll keep this one for you, when you move out. If you want it, anyway." And I told her I'd like that. So here we go then.
On that direction anyway.
And then I'm getting kind of freaked out, because guess who's going to be home on July 4th? Corey. Tuck was already talking to be about it and it just made me sick. I don't know if I can see him, after going through everything last summer. It was amazing how much I obsessed over him. Ye gods, Diana, what were you thinking?
Besides all of this, I am thinking about taking a trip, just by myself. Out of the country. Maybe just to Canada. I don't know. I have more than enough money for over a month trip, though I wouldn't blow it all like that. I would like it though, being on my own, seeing someplace new. I think, tomorrow evening, I'm going to start looking into it.
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Moving on... Why won't you let me?
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June 11, 2008, 04:55:pm
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It all just keeps progressing and making me sick. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a vivid dreamer. It's happened twice now, the dreams, and right whenever I think "Hey, I can do this. I can move on, everything will be okay." But then I have the dreams and it breaks everything down again and I feel sick and I lose more weight.
But I keep eating like I regularly am. I have meals, and I snack in between all the time. I am working more, but... Still. My heart aches, thinking about it. I'm a good weight where I am, losing any much more wouldn't be good for my height and balance and everything.
The first dream was bad, in that it went much too far, bringing back all the memories when I woke up. But this one is almost worse, in that it felt so real. In the dream, we weren't together, I was just going to visit Jeren and Sharayah and everyone. So I'm heading up there and somehow I get sidetracked and find Isaiah and Jeren already hanging out. Jeren disappears somehow and Izze and I are alone together. We're suddenly at some sort of party, just kind of randomly talking, because both of us feel uncomfortable and then he just gives me this look. It's not like any that I've ever seen before, it was just sad and he sighs and then reaches over, curls his hand around my neck and kisses me. And...
Thinking about it makes me want to cry. It felt so real. I could have sworn it was real and thats all it was. Just kissing, and it was one of those kisses that you just know that something is wrong, that something bad is going to happen. I started crying in my dream, but we kept kissing. It didn't progress farther than that, but after a while the dream just faded away and I was awake. I wasn't crying when I woke up, but I felt like it. I still do. Why can't the memories just let me go?
Of course I still want him, of course I would say yes, but he doesn't want me. I need to move on...
Mood: Aching
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Stress and Tiring Happenings
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June 07, 2008, 06:52:pm
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I'm really tired of stress, I mean, really tired of it. A murder happened next to the grammar school in our town Thursday, and there hasn't been a murder here for over fifty years. But whats even more screwed up, for me, is that the murderers were my neighbors. People I talked to, day in and day out. It's... Chilling. Not to mention that the police and SWAT team decided "Hey, the missing guy might be in THAT house", so they break our windows, kick down the doors, over turn our beds and dressers, rip the paneling from the fucking walls... I'm pissed about that. But oh well. Thats all external stuff, I can fix my bed, we can right the dressers and shelves.
It's the stuff with Randy thats making me feel a little sick. He spent the night at the house the other day, and once in a while, it felt like there was a "moment" building up. And then I would panic and scurry out of the room. :[ Then Randy had me dye his hair this dark, blue-black color. It looks good on him, the darker shade suits his skin tone better. And then, out of nowhere, he decides he wants to get a lip ring. Okay. We got over to the tattoo shop (with the gorgeous piercer guy, who flirts with me) and he gets his lip pierced. I don't know why he wanted to do it, but he seemed antsy about the piercer guy talking to me. *shakes head* And then my mother and Shan have been around, so they keep clicking their tongues and telling me that Randy likes me. I don't... I'm not over Isaiah. Thats all I can think right now. If Isaiah came up to me today and said "I want to get back together" I would drop everything I was doing, throw myself into his arms and scream "YES".
I don't think it will happen anytime soon, but... I still hope. Haha... I have to head back to work now, but, I am still... Confused, and then tired because of yesterday. Finding out one of my close friends has an STD, and then the police and the house and everything... Damn it.
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