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The_Angst's Journal
Thoughts of a Broken Brain
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How Good Are You?
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September 02, 2008, 12:14:am
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Somewhat rediculous, but try out this test to see whether you should continue posting.
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August 25, 2008, 01:42:pm
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Class ends a few minutes early. The projector is turned off as the lights are switched on. The guy who borrowed a pen from me surprisingly gives it back. A girl sitting to my left is asking if anyone sees a white shirt. She had changed out of it after gym and now it's missing. I ask the rest of our table, since her voice is quiet. I'll admit that I was kind of weird about asking, but she thinks I'm making a joke out of it. "I'm not doing whatever I want," I say. "Just what I think is right. And you lost something." She becomes a little less aggressive but we all leave the room as I don't apy attention to her anymore.
I've got 11 minutes until the busses leave and realize that I don't have any homework. I can leave all my things in school overnight. I begin to look for my locker but remember that it's a new school year, and my locker is probably being used by someone else. I out my two binders into my bag and hold on to my pillows. I turn around and walk toward one of the exits. Outside tehr are a few busses lined up. When I get picked up in the morning, there's only one bus that I get on. How am I supposed to know which one takes me home? I should have paid attention to the number this morning. I see Reid and Steve-O's little brother. I put my things down to talk with them. There bus hasn't arrived yet, but my brothers would be outside if our bus wasn't here.
I kind of know what our driver looks like, she has blonde hair. I walk around and look through all the drivers' windows, not sure if I've spotted the one I'm looking for. Someone waves but it's not directed toward me. I then see the faces of Greg and Rob pop up among all the other students on the bus. I get on.
By 11:55 our bus is ready to turn off of school grounds, driving me and everyone else home. I forgot my things. I don't think I'd be allowed off the bus now. I call Reid and tell him. "The grey bag and two pillows, a red one and a blue one." Reid lives pretty close so I'll stop by later and get them. I have my DS there, I wouldn't want to lose it. Some of the kids in the back start wrestling. The busdriver yells at them, threatening to go back to school if we all don't stop. I'd like to do that, and get my DS. "Sheehy! You watch them!" she calls out, but I think she's talking to Greg. The bus turns right, off campus, and I call Dan to make sure someone gets my bag and pillows. Dan says they're still there but he has them now. He'll take them over to my house. As we're talking, the bus slows down because of traffic. There aren't usually many cars here but I can see some school busses and plenty of cars. I think I see something pass by, above us. It's white and saucer-shaped. I get an unsettling feeling when I realize that I don't actually know what that thing was. Dan's talking about a party next week or in two weeks but I'm not talking to him, barely paying attention because I'm looking out the window after that thing that flew by. It's gone now.
"Uh!" is all I can manage, turning around in my seat to point to a second one. Many of the kids on the bus turn to look, some of them start yelling. Behind some trees, I watch as the two aircraft float above a building. The bilding turns a molten orange color, like it's melting, and starts to collapse.
Traffic starts to move a little and the streetlights come on. They flicker on and off, and an orange lights comes from them. The light form the sun dims as the orange light becomes stronger. I tell everyone on the bus that maybe I'm dreaming, sicne I don't usually forget my bad. They laugh a little but seem to be too scared to pay attention to me. A building to our left starts to turn that orange, as the ships release whatever rays cause it to melt. Oncoming traffic speeds up, driving by though the cars start changing color also. Soom they're immoble piles of lava-like steel, blocking the lane from any cars trying to escape. The same building as before is attacked again, this time it's the street side, and I think about how I've seen this before. In a movie, I think. If I die, do I get to see the whole movie? Am I being filmed? Does anyone know I'm in this movie? Maybe it's not a movie, just some aliens. When I realize what's happening, I start screaming to the busdriver to turn right. She moves into the shoulder lane but soon another bus does the same. We're about to crash into an orange bus when a bright white takes over everything. We must be getting hit by the rays. I pull my legs up against the seat in front of me and grab onto Greg. I don't know where Robber is.
I wake up lying on the street, outside of a hospital. There doesn't seem to be any damage to the buildings where I am, and I stand up looking at normal traffic and the police officer directing it. He looks at me without saying anything.
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August 22, 2008, 02:28:am
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I just heard a woman's scream outside. It was loud and I thought I'd post about it here.
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August 06, 2008, 07:52:am
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I've finished working night shifts, though it'll be a while before I can sleep normally again. I had stayed up until 4:30 because I wasn't tired and now that over three hours have passed, I'm a bit more tired though I still can't sleep. Usually, it's a waste to lay around waiting for sleep, I've done it plenty of times already. After four or five hours I give up, so maybe I shouldn't try to sleep again until later tonight. I really don't know what to do anymore. I have some plans for later today, but I'll be too tired to want to do anyhting with my friends. What a loser.
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I woke up yesterday at 7pm, when my mom came in my room to ask if I wanted to eat dinner with everyone. I did, so I got up. 12 hours later, I tried going to sleep but it hasn't worked out yet. My plan was to sleep 7am-1pm, six hours and then get a physical for school. After that I'd sleep from 4pm-9pm, or less if I didn't need 11 hours of sleep. I would leave at 10:30 tonight to go to work. Except I'm missing the first set of hours so I'm in trouble. I won't be going to the gym tonight now, since I won't be rested enough. Oh man.
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Vampire Lifestyle
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July 14, 2008, 06:48:pm
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I think I'm finally used to working these overnight shifts. I can't fall asleep before 6am anymore, and I don't get tired towards the end of work. I had planned on getting a case of Bawls but I don't need them now. I'd like for more kids to be awake later on so that the night I'm not working I could do more than drive aorund and play videogames at home. It won't last long, because I'm going to be waking up at 6am instead of 6pm by September. I'm sure that I'm going to hate it.
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7:30 am and I'm taking the parkway north back to my house, after working overnight. As I drive, I'm playing Pokémon Fire Red and level my Heracross to 73. Yeah cool and all but I need a different Heracross.
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Tests
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June 27, 2008, 06:46:am
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I used to do so many of these
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6/5/08
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June 05, 2008, 05:25:am
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I just typed this for facebook, I'll put it here also incase anyone wants to spend some time reading on the computer. I plan of having more of these at some point, I'll do the same thing about it.
book and already it's doing its damage like the other ones. Except this one is differnt. Actually what's going on now isn't even about that one. I mean yeah that's what started it, laying across the kitchen table and getting up to page 30 or 31 but it wasn't until some video on the computer that I really had some more feelings going and decided to stick something out. Like that suicide part. I mean I knew what was going on, I read that book and while it was maybe a year ago and I don't exactly remember what was going on, i know why she did it. Actually in Lunar park he starts off with the introductions of other books. I had read them all except for one. Coolman and Mike Collado read that one and both of them seem to have liked it, so I'll get to i at some point.
Again, it's the entire lifestyle. And then in Lunar Park I realized that it might not all be true. The parts about passing out and the snake and Terence, but theyw ere all so goo. I guess it doesn't matter, really. But what I type is true. Ok well I tried a few that weren't but I thought everyone would know. Well those who read them, and I'm sure that some people do. I hope you do, I'd like you to. This isn't to re-live my memories or anyhting, really something to help me feel better. I could write it on paper (and not type it up later, but I've typed the ones I've written and don't remember now why I stopped) and then throw it out or save it somewhere but really lose it, except it wouldn't matter as much to me.
Well those books by Bret Easton Ellis make me think of Binghamton. Of course Binghamton because they're mostly about college stuff- atleast the ones I read are. And at Binghamton I don't know I guess things kind of went on there without me noticing it. I can't say now whether it was good or bad since I don't know what would have happened otherwise. I actually don't even know if I really noticed or not. First comes the kids. I mean the guys I stayed with most of the time and although I didn't want to stay with Rob any mroe than the 0th day we'd probably get along now. I mean a few times I'd wake up because he was going under my bed or something but I didn't say anything since I was having a tough enough time being woken up. We're ok. And then Tse-mach who although I spent the most time with, I feel now that overall I understood him the least. It was really me talking the whole time and he may have liked to listen to me but he might also have just been doing psychology and wanted to figure out why so many girls stare at me. I want to know too. It doesn't happen around here, where I live. Everywhere else, yeah. It's not so bad sicne I don't spend my whole life in other places but I'll notice it if we go on vacation for a week, that everyone will be looking at me. I wa slooking at picture earlier this night, that had Rob, Jinu and I in it. I forget exactly who it was that took the picture but I know I've talked to her a few times. I look pretty tall in that picture. Well the other guys aren't as tall as me but being skinny helped the look.
Except I'm not the sameanymore. Yeah some of the kids here have noticed. And I'm glad. Thta's what happened after my friends all left me. Like being in jail almost, that the guys all work out, right? Not a whole lot left to do. That's what I did that summer, and the entire year after that. I still do, actually. Workout, read, go out alone. Well not alone anymore. I had to, otherwise that'd have been it for me. Downstairs on the couch, early afternoon with my hair the color of whatever most recent dye mixture I had. There was a pile of books from Christmas and I went through em. The library also, especially last summer, I was there often around midnight dropping books off and walking down the street taking videos of cars driving by. Quiet nights, but I was happy.
I would think about this one song by Dismantled. I still do sometimes. I don't remember what it's called but I remember one line. "These are the best days of my life." I would think about that often, about how it's always true. These guys are off to Chili without telling me and everyone else is doing things that sometimes I know about ebfore they happen, but I'm ok. It doesn't matter do me because I don't try to call them either anymore. It used ot matter so much to me when I could see evryone. Made me feel special that everyone cared enough to atleast have me around, whether or not they really paid attention to me once we all went to Dan's. I don't care anymore. And I'm not even trying to show like like I had been last summer. It doesn't matter this time. There's so juch that it doesn't even matter that they know about it or now. Going to the city, I'd tell them about it. I've made plenty of attempts to get someone to come. I know they'd have plent of fun, especially Mike, but they don't want to. I don't know why. I'd like them to come, ebcause they're my friends and they should have a good time with me. If they don't want to, that's ok. I'll still have fun. I've got a few kids down there that like having me around. It's different, we're glad not just to see each other, but to hang around.
Then John, who would get mad sometimes when Tse-mach and I would go out and I'd feel bad but we'd just talk and I wasn't sure that Tse-Mach wanted many people around for that. I didn't mind I mean we went to get food at often with some of the girls and that was always a great time. Even if I looked or acted like I didn't enjoy it, being stuck with Eliza and Elyse while eating so much food sicne we'd go when the palce closed to get everything for free.
And it's weird, I guess. I still think about it all the time. I don't know if I really wanted to go back for that second year. I kind of did, really just to live with everyone though that might not have been enough to keep me happy. I lived, right? School here is different. It's too different, nothing worth remembering. Except for Printmaking which I got a C+ in. I don't care I made some cool things.
Liz, the first girl I felt close to eventhough we only spent much time together the first few months. It was my fault, that I kind of stayed away later on but I think she was ok with that. Well I still had a whole lot of girls staring at me to worry about. maybe they wouldn't do that anymore. I guess it doesn't matter, but it was weird. The last time I talked to her, I think, was on the phone. Two summers ago, the Hamptons. I think it was towards the beginning of my time there, the first day or first night. Later on, I remember JIm and I on the beach at night. Drunk or high or both, I was telling him about her. Not a lot, just that things were different, and hadn't worked out. I don't remember what he said about that.
This isn't even what I had really wanted to tell here, though i can't remember now what else there was. I'm thinking of all the nights, either driving home, drunk, or at someone's house, confused about what I'm doing there. I worked every day last summer. I didn't even make much money because my full time job didn't pay so well, though I was never sure about leaving that and just doing the other one I had. It still matter now because I know that what I did, was what I needed ot do. That's what kept me going. Work, read, workout. Party. Sleep if there's enough time. Sometimes now I wonder if there still are the best days of my life. All I do is stay up all night and then sleep for 11 or 12 hours. I get paid well for it, but is that what matters? I guess it will. I need to keep reading, reminding myself of what I'm doing. Of what I used to do. I need to be the same person I used to be. I owuld try ot explain to kara, that there's nothign special about me. I had to do it a few times, I don't know why she couldn't remember. Or maybe I was wrong. I'd tell her a few things but she never seemed to understand. That wasn't even the summer, it was before that. It was still winter then. THe summer never worked out. I wasn't sure at first. She ahd this big plana nd then didn't want to do it once I did. I don't know. It doesn't matter but I was scared soemtimes, thinking if we really got married because I started to think that it would be too tough. I felt different, I'm starting to ferge tit finally, I don't want to feel like that again. It would remind me of her.
A alck of sleep and somewhat constant alternating buzz and hangover feeling was exactly what I needed. Getting up around 6, then staying out late. I can remember talking to Matt, telling him one night how I'd get maybe three hours of sleep if I went home. I explained how the job at the pool was fun, and I liked being aorund everyone but the money wasn't so good. If it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have been there. I'm not there now, is it because of the same reason?
I'm going to need some more nights out. not ones at the hospital, or having sleepovers with Traci, or going to Revolver or Jet's parties. Just out, calling Matt and he doesn't answer. Out driving, mad at my friends, at myself for not having any better ideas. In the yard at the punching bag until the sun rises, fighting off sleep with hatred and anything else I can think of.
These birds, outside now, they're going to keep me awake. THe sun's almost up already and I'm not outside.
I can try again tomorrow.
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Awake
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June 02, 2008, 04:33:am
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I had turned this computer off so that it wouldn't keep me up all night, but I just turned it back on since I can't sleep anyway. I tried going to sleep almost six hours earlier than the day before, there's no way that I could do it. I'll probably fall asleep after 5, giving me about eight hours of sleep. I've got 3-7 at the hospital, and then 11-7 that night. I was thinking just before that I should have called out of the 3-7 shift, but I'll be able to sleep enough. Besides, I can sleep during that first shift. I wasn't offered too many hours over night this week (28) so I ought to take whatever else I can get. I'll just take it easy and hide in my mom's office during the day. Then I can sleep for about two hours here until going back for eight more hours. This gives me 36 hours for the week, sort of full time, for the 12-hour overnight shifts, eventhough the 12 hours are split, and it's not the same position.
I can hear some noises outside, my dad already left for work so I don't know what it is.
THis reminds me of when I used to post on MySpace, I had plenty of blogs about school and track mostly, also about sleeping which is what most of my VF posts are about. I know I make a lot of posts, angry at myself for not going to bed. Well it's got to mean something, right? Like at the end of a videogame, or a movie, where the main character realizes the truth behind some (no my dad's still here, he just came in for a flashlight) fake story that had bothered him throughout the story. "Oh, it must have been my fate to stay up all those nights. Now I get paid while playing Gameboy!" Not quite as epic as the hero's parents being dragons or something.
Oh but about my MySpace posts, I'd get a lot of views. I had some subscribers, and was in a few blog groups. I posted often because I knaw that what I typed was read. Ther's not hidden message here, I'm not telling anyone to reply to this just os that I know I'm getting attention, but a blog counter would be nice. I'll tell Jet next time I see him. I'd average around 150 views a week, I think. That's pretty good for a highschool kid who always posts about track meets, and then going out to eat or running in parking lots afterwords.
That's all for now, I'll get something to eat before going back to bed.
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