I swear to God, if what happened to my Father happens to Javi I will watch this world burn.
I am not joking.
Taking Javi to the doctors because he might have had a heart attack.
This is a before hand warning, that this is a very emotional and raw journal entry. As such, no one has to read it. But I'm trying to vent.
As I'm sure just about everyone knows by now, Javi, My Love, has Hyperthyroidism.
Normally, this isn't the worst thing in the world. You're going to be stuck on meds for the rest of your life, which is of course disgusting (in the opinion of someone like me), but the condition itself is manageable. If you manage it, if you make sure it's not cancer, if you see your endocrinologist as soon as possible. It's not a really a big deal.
IF you DO those things.
If you aren't doing those things, you can die. You can damage your body and organs beyond repair, you could be walking around with a ticking time bomb of cancer. Your hormones go so crazy you become a completely different person. Your body eats itself alive. Your heart is always just one missed pill away from a heart attack or stroke. You are ran ragged by such an excess of T-3 and T-4 your metabolism is off the charts. Your entire body is being push past it's limits. Things start to not function right, or not function at all. This is happening to Javi.
Your entire life becomes this illness. This thing that is destroying you.
My entire life has become my boyfriend's disease. AND I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT. MY entire quality of life is being impaired by this. BECAUSE HE WON'T GET IT TREATED! "Can't" get treated? Because he's not doing a GOD DAMN thing to save himself. His excuse is money. And yes, it is now an excuse.
Best case scenario he has Graves' Disease. Very possible he may have cancer of the thyroid. Which, by the way, spreads to other organs quickly because of the very nature of the endocrine system. You can see the tumor, it's very real and right there. He's verging on skeletal. His heart doesn't even sound like a grown adult human's anymore. I can't even sit here and list all the shit wrong with him even just this little sample makes me cry.
I researched his disease. I research low cost or no cost insurance or clinics. I go down to DPSS with him. I'm doing all these things and more, all while I have to deal with him determined he's just got no money. Not willing to help himself. Not willing anymore to even try.
And it's wrecking me, utterly.
I know he is the sick one, and maybe I sound selfish. But this is effecting so much of my every fucking day life. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore.
The entire dynamic of our relationship has changed, in some ways that I don't even want anyone to know.
Fuck.
I'm at the end of my rope, and I'm at a lose. This is just hurting me so much and there is not a GOD DAMN THING I can do about it. I can't make him understand he needs to get help no matter what, he needs to change everything in his life until he has this under control or he will have no life.
I think I'm watching the future I thought I had slowly dissolve each day.
He seems quite content to just let me sit here and watch him fall apart. I just cant do this. It's not that he's sick, it's that he won't do a fucking thing to help himself. Not a fucking thing. We're not even united in the common cause of treating this thing.
I get up everyday because I'm driven by this deranged desire to help him, save him. But really I just want to sleep, stay in bed. Dream about when things were better. When I actually had a boyfriend, and a beautiful relationship worth having with a wonderful man.
Before we were this fucking disease. Mood: exhausted
I'm just not in the mood to smile and play nice. To dress down and act "appropriate." I'm just not in the fucking mood for your happiness. Oh, I really do want you to have it. All of it, for everyone. But today I am a stupid, angry, irrational bitch, knowing well enough that I just shouldn't interact with others. But that's not an option.
Gawd I'm so tired. Maybe, in the next 45 minutes as I get ready, I'll do a 260 and just end up a pathetic sad sack! Then I can just put on my old disdain face, and we can all pretend everything's great.
I'm not as bitter as I sound, really. It's that I don't want to ruin anything, I know not everything is about me. But it's kinda hard not to seem self absorbed when, you know, you are YOU. And you have feels. And they are ugly and you can't control them.
I'm pretty sure I can get this together and be fine, I'm just worn out right now. Somethings that can be so easy on some days can be a virtual trial on others. And I'm just venting. Pathetically.
Whatever, running out of time to get ready. Procrastination will get me nowhere
OMG This shit is never going to end I can't be witty!!! *yarghle*
February 13, 2013, 06:37:pm
So, results of the blood test are in. Liver issues, possibly caused by a very easily spread virus, and yes, hyperthyroidism.
So I have to go get checked too (not for hyperthyroidism, mind you, for said virus), he has to see an endocrinologist and he's going to have surgery that may kill his thyroid anyway (since the iodine radiation WILL kill it), with a slight possibility of voice box damage.
TL;DR all you really need is
Fuck today. Fuck it so hard.
You know, this wasn't even my worse case scenario. It was cancer. Is it strange that I felt I could help him with cancer, we could handle and over come cancer better than some of what seems to be coming next?
On rereading it sounds like HIV and it's NOT that, just so you know. Sorry about that.
I guess I'll have more info as I get it. I know I've been a little vague, but I'm not sure what HE is comfortable with me sharing. Not like he's on VF, but he's still really important to me, and I respect him and his privacy. But if I have this virus, oh hell are you all going to hear about it. Good news is though that my general life style is basically how you handle this thing, so cool there. Seems like it won't really effect me at all.
*gah* I'm just exasperated. I'm all blown out and done for now. So I'm gonna go get ready for my meeting. And for my mother to rage at me for "bringing disease into her home" -.-
Not sure when I'll be getting checked for this, considering what my next three weeks looks like, starting tomorrow, and ending with my friend's wedding on the 2nd.
Wish us luck guys!
Regretfully Yours,
Silver Mood: FML just a bit Music: AFI various on Itunes
It's a most peculiar feeling, like sunburn in the evening
February 08, 2013, 01:36:pm
This journal is technically more "About the Boy." Just as I figured out that his inflammatory response is lactose, I found he hadn't been taking his medication regularly. Mostly do to his genius idea of not carrying it on him. Something he should of finished in 5 days, he still hasn't finished.
But as I type, and I'm listening to hail and thunder, he should be sitting in the ER with his father and younger brother. I was suppose to see him at 11 for lunch, but instead he showed up at 9:30, a wreck, having been discharged from work for throwing up, bright green which I'm assuming would be bile and mucus, and chunky blood.
I'm pretty sure this is problem two, or at least something that piggy backed on his failing system. Regardless, I'm worried as fuck, and can't focus. I didn't go with him, because only so many people are let into an ER room (know this from experience, myself) and his family needs to finally understand just how sick and frail their son/brother really is. And lastly because I don't have any pool of funds to pull from to get him care/authorize tests.
This is wearing on him extra hard mentally as well, because he's starting to see himself as a burden and not worth the money or worry. And all my assurances have done little to assuage his hurt pride and dignity.
I just...I don't really know what I should be doing more, or what I'm really suppose to do, period. I just hope I'm helping, in someway. As soon as I know more, I'll edit this journal if I can. If they admit him I'll be going to the hospital tonight.
Regretfully Yours Mood: pensive, tense, anxious Music: Catatonia -Don't need the Sunshine
