Time. It does not really exist. For time was creating by man. And it is there that it holds life. And I am a man. Therefore, time becomes an inexplicable relevancy. Twenty minutes. Forty minutes. They hold more in common than one would choose to believe. They both hold angry silence. Silence. The best of words. The most vivid of pictures. The deepest pit. Cross my fingers. Curse at Fate. Promises made, As they fall in italics from the lips which bear them. I love them so. If there is the end of the world. I'll be there waiting. Take what you need. Just not forever. So much numbness, AS your stomach screams in sickness. I want to sleep the night away. To enter dreamland, where the problems of reality fade into extinction. Goodnight. I could not bear the silence then. I cannot bear it now.
Silence. The curse thought by some. The nightmare lived by many. Silence. The worst of the World.
Mood: Scared. Remorse. Sorry. Music: The thrum of my heart on my stomach.
I never though that I would be one of those people. Those people laced with jealousy, with every pump. To a dream that I have always desired. It becomes a different story with you. I now sit back and conspire. I never though that I would be one of those people. Heart sick, and dead. I do not know how to take people a jealous person with you. Just that mere thought. Makes me want to fucking kill something. I am not one to share. and I know you'd feel the same shall it be reversed. I am jealous over potential. Desire. And a mere thought process. Over the top I dare say to myself. Falling off the edge. What makes you so different? Why do Ionly feel this with you? I dont like it. Nor know what to do with it.
Mood: Jealous. Pissed. Music: The easy hum of a quiet world.
I am going to resist my tongue. I am in one of those overly philosophical, poetic moods where the slightest indication of a word, will send my mind into a Covertly, uncensored, tangent trying to find simplisity within an extremely complicated mind set, which I feel would settle, uneasily for those who try to understand the fallen words, the words of a muse. After all, these are nothing but the wandering tongue, of a misguided Muse. Mood: Overly philsophical.
This will be quite lengthy, as I reach to conclude my point. Crazy ass week. Between my bike getting stolen, and almost ruining a perfect date because I had to rely on other people. If I ever give you one relevant piece of advice, never, ever, rely on other people. It causes nothing but aggravation for you cannot be certain that you can trust the words of said person. Nobody ever really benefits from that situation. But as for the date, all worked out, and I kept a promise, despite the growing aggravation I unintentionally set us both under in the beginning. Between all this, and my fair share of being pissed of more than I normally like this week, I was reading through old journal entries. I found one from just about a year ago. I go into venting about how the pursuit of happiness, leads us to our own insanity. The entry is as follows:
Original Date Written: 10/29/10
"Was I wrong to believe there was ever hope? A chance? A reason to believe what so many thought to be true? The pursuit of happiness leads to our insanity. C'mon, I know you wont feel the same. Lets be honest here. Who would have a mutual growing desire for this? I wouldn't, you don't. They lied you know. They all lied to every, single one of us. Actions don't matter. If they did, then people would pay attention to the positive actions. Why is it only negative gets seen, and noticed? Negative actions stand out more than positive, but they just aren't appreciated. But somehow, despite the ever growing negativity that swirls around us, filling our lungs, we still thrive for the positive. Karma, in the deeper understanding, works both ways. If you exert negative energy, negative things happen. You release positive, good things should happen. But it's wrong. Least in my experiences. I give positive, More positivity than I probably have, but nothing but negative waves blast into my face, laughing as it passes through me. Why does all the positive energy that we all so desperately crave goes unrewarded, when it is really all we secretly desire in reality? People fall into habit of giving out negativity, because when they gave positive, they got nowhere. They did not immediately reap the benefits. so they give up, I think. Why give so much positivity, when it always goes unseen. There is more negativity in the world. We all want positive results from negative thoughts and actions. No matter the combination of negative and positive, we set ourselves up to fail. But we always want the same end product out of life. Happiness. We all think the undying dance of good, and evil, negative and positive, will come forth this result. There is no peace with out war. No courage without fear, and no wisdom without regret. If you chance happiness, you'll never get it. If you stop trying to get it, and slow down a minute, it'll land on your shoulder with out you realizing. The only issue, humans are an impatient race, and we never care to wait long enough. Insanity is doing something over and over again, expecting different results. So, by divination, we are driving ourselves insane, by running after happiness. We are all to blind to notice that through the negativity, and the evil that clouds our vision, the positive, the happiness we sought but didn't find, is most likely right there hiding behind the shroud. The pursuit of happiness, leads to our insanity."
Times are different now, I am happy. But I am not wrong in my eyes either. I tried finding happiness. and I got ran over, multiple times. But once desperate times subsided, happiness walked through my door. Only to realize that she was there sense the start of the year. Growing on me bit by bit. But we had to work through the onslaught of crap fate decided to spit in our faces until we both came to this realization. I had to wait. But I found it. So my second piece of advice. Happiness will find you. Whither having someone makes you happy, or something entirely different, you have the tools to take you to a certain point. From there. Relax. And wait, your happiness will mean more. trust me. I couldn't tell you the purpose of this entry. Just that it need to be written. Maybe it will change some of you. Maybe not. But someone out there is meant to read it. I know that much.
