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Shamayonaise's Journal

Darkness

June 14, 2012, 11:57:am

Well since Ive been birthed I feel like my life is ultimately... uneventful.
I was born, I went through school, emerged victorious and grabbed my HS diploma with a (Basic, albeit. I held back... I wish I blew all of "their"
expectations away with what I was capable of) 2.0 GPA average.
I skipped prom, stayed at home and played video games with a depressing "Why bother?" asked to myself in the dark.
But a lot happened BETWEEN then that I'd like to share with others. Thats what history is right? The spreading of knowledge / real-life facts and
events that take place, so that mankind does not repeat itself in it's arrogance.
Well between the time I was born and between the time I graduated high school, nothing significant (to anyone but myself anyway) happened.
I grew a second skin and I have seen some of the worst in people. For no justifiable reason, hate was the weapon of everyone around me (Except my teachers,
but that sounds like a sappy story) towards me, and after hearing it for about 12 years, since I first started school, people hated me, despised me, wary of me, just for
trying to find out who I really am. It was a journey really. But people don't see it that way. People saw me as things like "Oh that wigger who tries
to act black" or "Oh that guy who dresses like a retard" or "Oh that guy who keeps to himself in the corner, what a creeper". Well If ya'll took
the time to know me, instead of dating your stupid ass holes who cheat on you behind your back or who play those games, you'd have find I'm PROBABLY
what you're looking for. I put my women first, (I dont get many, so I keep to myself in my virtual world of video games) with what resources I have
available. Unfortunately for a guy like me who puts everything he has into savings so he has a house in 20 or so years, that's not much.
I've learned dating is expensive, and women say you don't need a guy with money, or that a lot of them are looking for a nice guy, but I've learned again,
the hard way, this is not so. The only way men will score women is with loads of money and being a TOTAL ass hole.
It's something psychologically, I think. Ive been a nice guy for so long, sure I've made mistakes, like trolling people online when they decided
they wanted to talk shit. Maybe thats what kept people at arms length from me, oh this is a bad guy, we were wrong about everything else about him,
but he must be a bad guy. I've had a few people along the way who stuck up for me, God bless you. Never forgive and definitely never forget. I will always
remember your kindness.
Well I'm out of high school now and I've got time to sit here, with me, myself, and I, and reflect on all of my past experiences.
Ya'll are still wrong. I'm a great guy. And I'll show all of you wrongdoers, with the triumph of my goals, when I hold my prize high into my hands,
I will wave it at Lucifer's face, and give him the biggest Middle finger of all eternity, for when you get right down to it, it's his fault we're so
screwed up.
It's his fault adam and eve became the first failures of God and it's his fault mankind has become so flawed, because of that.
But still. The fault lies with the people, first, and foremost.
Did any of you ever hold back and think "wow, what am I doing?" NO.
99% of you kept on, unrelenting, unrelentless, trying to crack my facade of strength.
But I pushed on, gave you the verbal finger.
and I triumphed.
It's all shades of gray to me on what level of triumph, is triumph.
I still triumphed. I didn't graduate with a 4.0 GPA, or a valedictorian, but I triumphed.
And I'm on my own, solo, as I would have it no other way, with people and their never ending bull shit, deceit, lies, greed, and conniving.
And I curse myself and all of humanity. I curse that we're so screwed up. I curse that the good guys will eventually live to become the very ass holes
that they oppose, or they will die alone. Most likely it will be the first one. And the base reason of it all is that we're so fucked up.
Our women are so ass backwards they don't know what they want. Our men, pick on the weak and helpless like it's okay, with other people, just to slaughter
them with experience at being an asshole and ultimately turn them into one of them, unknowingly, subconsciously, eventually.
I curse us, that we're doomed to die sinning, our whole lives. That we were given this life by God, and what do we do on Earth?
We live a life full of sin and as we're on our deathbeds, we say "I'm ready God! Take me up, Master!". Yeah, you're real ready, good job leading
a good life, taking care of your body, respecting other people, women, other peoples' property, etc., like the commandments say.
I'm guilty of these. I have lusted after women that I know I will never get, my rule is look, but no touching. I'm still guilty.
I'm also guilty of not committing murder. I've thought on more than one occasion as a child, of bringing a gun (No clue how I'd get it) into school and blowing
every little mother fucker's brains out. And when their mothers were all in school crying, I was in my thought, saying with an evil grin, tears and
blood on my face, saying "I'm a crusader. I have fought evil, and won. My methods were cruel, even evil itself, but to defeat evil, you must become it".
Isn't that sick? That must be sick. I've become the very evil that I swore to fight. Because that seems to be the only way to win against it. Even
today in the modernized world. Good loses, every battle on earth. The only place good wins is in Heaven, where God's rule is infinite. Just sad...
Evil rules on earth, evil influences, and good will always lose on Earth, but in Heaven evil has no place. There's Heaven and Hell. And Heaven will always win.
Hell might have more numbers, more sinners, more souls, but good always wins.

This is my rant... (Audible "Ahhhh I feel better")
if something doesn't make sense in here it's probably because it's a typo. please let me know. thanks! =)
Mood: Relieved
Music: Daughtry - its not over

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