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S_p_h_i_n_X's Journal
Mind Spatter
were my brain goes to shoot its thoughts out onto paper.
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WORTHY!!!!!
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July 29, 2008, 12:58:am
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Of my journal.
Enjoy
http://explosm.net/comics/1184/
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Lost in the woods, drunk, ranting at nothing for everyone to hear.
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July 26, 2008, 08:47:pm
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What is it people want from me? I am not a god. I am not the keeper of all lifes questions. I am not special. I never asked for people to love me this much. I never wanted any of this. All i ever wanted is a semi normal life with little to no complications. But aparently that is just to much. Sometimes I just want to give up, and done even tell me you have never thought the same thing. Life is a big pain in the ass. The pain over pleasure factor is so lopsided that it almost seems like it isn't even worth it in the end. All I do is hold my hand out and try to bring a little light into peoples lives, but the moment I do that they always want more. I only have so much to give or you will leave me in the dark. I will tell you all this now - The only person that should come first in your eyes is yourself. If your not happy, then you need to do something to fix that, no matter how hard it may be. Chase your dreams before you help others with theirs. We may only be human but the stars are never that far away. Wether my words effect you or not is up to you. you hold the desiding dission in your life and no one elce. Remember that. Life is what YOU make of it.
Me - I have made peace finaly with the life I want and I invite you all to come with me, but either way I am going even if it is alone. I have watched my dreams slip away from me for the last time. I need to lissen to the words I preach finaly. It might have taken me this long to realize it, but better late than never. I have been given and given myself alot of different names : God, Devil, Wonderer, Sphinx, Lover, and Fallen Hero - but I will always be nothing more than what i am. I have done alot of things in my life, seen alot of places, met alot of people, and seen my fair shair of pain and pleasure but life is all to short to give up now. I still have many years ahead of me hopefully and even if i dont know what they have in store for me, I still want to see them. Even the most faint hope at happiness is enough for me to keep going.
So in the end of it all, just look for your own happiness and hopefully life will turn in your favor. Me, I am going to turn life in my favor finaly. Even if the people I know dont stand by my dissions I know I will be happy with myself and in the end, thats all that truly matters. Look in before you look out and life will always be good for you. USe my words as an example and maybe you will find some form of happiness that keeps you going. And if so, then I have done one more thing in life to help others through their dark times. For, in the end - we all know dark times are enevitable, but it is the light that brings us back that we are thankfull for.
Mood: Blissfull
Music: Still Hitman
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isolated thoughts
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July 26, 2008, 08:16:pm
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This is one of the most stressfull times I am forced to endure. In the language of the elves, i feel 'hrayek', meaning Cut off. I feel cut off and left to ponder myself during this 'kehrareth', intence grief. I know i have the strength to battle this alone, but still I feel as though I can't hold back this evil growing inside me. People try and help, and i am thankfull for it but I say 'ikwe', get away. My 'uskeche', spirit or ghost, needs to find his way to the answers it seeks. For i fear if others help the truth will be lost to me. 'Na kwast wahir athu kyene wekht vnarihe'-Better a cold truth than a warm lie. Still I hold your thoughts close to me as i battle this. 'Rathla', blood bound or blood brothers, I call most of you. But for now I just need to be considered a 'yastehanye', a honored exile. As much as it hurts me inside and as much as I feel like a 'sumezh', stray dog, it must be done. My dissions are never 'newetik', without heart or without honor, but I have made my bed and now must lay in it. If you have anything to say, then 'kaweh rut kyed', speak out now. I need to find my 'omah nin', highest chief, before i can move on from this 'kweshta'. For now, just know i have found my 'amrulugek', council, that will help me through this and when i call apon you, 'amiq', be ready. For if i call apon you, then my need is dire, but for now 'chu set', controle yourself. I will always walk with the 'vil', wolf, and there strength is my strength. For I may be lost, but even lurking in the shadows are my friends.
Mood: Blissful
Music: HITMAN soundtrack
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thinking in eternity
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July 03, 2008, 11:50:pm
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Hiding, hiding in the music,
scared, scarred
please forgive me
leave me alone!
screaming
words hidden by the music
leaving
eyes closed tight
ready for flight
cowering in a corner
tears streaming
leave me alone- all alone
forget me-
deserted
blank page
empty space
forgotten
thinking in eternity
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Let my words guide you on your journy
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June 29, 2008, 02:38:am
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I stand befor you all,
nothing more than a man.
Not a God,
Not a Devil,
Not anything more
Than a Man.
I have lived many different lives.
One of School,
One of Work,
One of Gamer,
One of a Drug user,
One of a Prison inmate.
I have heard the saying the grass is always greener on the other side.
That is true and false at the same time.
I tell you all that if it makes you happy then go for it,
But be willing to pay for your actions in full.
Maybe with money,
Maybe with time,
Maybe with blood,
Maybe with tears.
Look at every outcome before you do something.
You never know were it will lead you.
All i will say is that I know i dont regret anything I did with anyone of my lives,
But I do regret the pain and suffering and the time i wasted and the money i spent and the people i lost and the damage i have done.
Dont ever think for one second that the things you do will never catch up to you.
Even if you get away or you tell yourself your happy,
You know deep down the pain you hold inside you builds.
And one day it will burst forth in some way forcing you to think of everything
You have done with yourself.
I dont ask for your words of kindness or hatred.
I dont want you to tell me things will get better.
I want you to think of everything you tell others,
Every hurtfull and helpfull word you have every
Spouted out of your mouth and fingers,
And reflect them on your own life.
You say you are happy,
I say you are a mess.
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