i created this so you could get to know alittle more about the person who is I. I'm not exactly the most friendly or good but i guess i have my moments when it appears that way but hey dont be fooled I'm selfish, sarcastic, and an asshole. if you dont mind that we shall be pals if you do mind that then fuck off you cockgoblin. ahem. well if you're still reading this and have not run off after me calling you a cockgoblin congrats. you and me will probably get along but let me make things abundantly clear. i hate you all (to a certain degree). i think most people suck because they do. they're boring, annoying, and stupid. except you the person who continues to read without getting offended. you're probably kick ass. i thought coming onto vampire freaks would liberate me from the crotch sniffers on like myspace and its other wanna be myspace sites but i was wrong because i just ended up finding another kind of annoying breed of people. "unique" people, scene people, emo people, and the swarms of immature children running loose on this site. (i swear if i'm ever a parent my child cant use a computer till it's 18) so that is a slice of me. a sarcastic asshole with an attitude. nothing special or unique. just a guy who uses the internet to say what he wants just like you. i'm a realist so if you live in fantasy land then i'm gonna burst your bubble because i want to burst your bubble and ruin your day. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. so if i offended you. great. if i didnt. inbox me. you're fuckin rad. thank you and good fucking night.
Everyone has a story that's cuddled close to their heart. Your experience at summer camp that one time. That time weed effected you funny. Or if you're awesome enough, that time you made out with two chicks who happen to be the cousins of some guy you dislike.
This story is not really my own but I love it so much it's that one story for me. Tell me this story at a funeral and I'll crack a smile, I swear it. This is the story of a former friend who I'll dub El Baldo Loco. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of two years and while visiting him in his greatly homoerotic room (Seriously. Every inch of his four walls were covered with half naked men posing. Since it was wrestlers/MMA fighters it wasn't gay. Right? RIGHT??) he starts to reflect on all the warning signs he should have spotted in his now former relationship. Only they weren't warning signs. They were punchlines me and my friends still share to this day.
Before this story begins know that everyone and I mean EVERYONE knew El Baldo Loco's girlfriend was no good. Everything about her screamed out sloppy and/or trashy. From her makeup (In my experience heavy eyeshadow = hardcore slut.) to her being half naked everytime someone visited El Baldo Loco's house. Those muffintops will haunt my nightmares forever. She was no good and El Baldo Loco was so head over heels you couldn't be on the level with him. She was friend repellent.
Now onto our feature presentation. El Baldo Loco loved treating all women like queens. If you had a vagina he believed you deserved the cash in his pocket. When he got his first girlfriend at 20. His girlfriend didn't just get herself a virgin. She got herself a sweet source of free money. It was like he was welfare and she was a single mom with six kids. Still. There were times when El Baldo Loco couldn't be her ATM. Since eye shadow and blush weren't cheap when you lathered it on your face by the gallon, Mrs. El Blado Loco had another source of income. Her uncle Bart.
Every other Friday Mrs. El Baldo Loco would visit her dear uncle Bart. Since she was the only person in her family to spend time with uncle Bart, he would dote upon her with money. What a sweet uncle, eh? There were even times when El Baldo Loco would even drop her off at sweet old uncle Bart's place. After a while El Baldo Loco got curious since he had never actually met uncle Bart, so while dropping his girlfriend off, he insists on meeting the sweet uncle.
This is when things got curious. Standing outside his aparment door. Uncle Bart wasn't what El Baldo Loco expected. He was a small pastey man with red hair and freckles. This was curious because his girlfriend was a puerto/trini mix. She was as brown as brown got. Uncle Bart regarded El Baldo Loco with a somewhat timid reaction and was all too eager allow the girlfriend into his house and slam the door in El Baldo Loco's face.
Feeling a sense of red alert from that situation? Do not be alarmed. It only means you are not a magnificent dumbass. No red alert went off for El Baldo Loco at the time. It was just weird and he figured he'd take his time getting to the bottom of that unusual encounter.
It was sometime later when at his girlfriend's family party, he approached his girlfriend's brother and had a conversation that went a little something like this.
El Baldo Loco: "Hey man. Where's Uncle Bart? How's he been?"
The girlfriend's brother looks up and from what I can only imagine gives El Baldo Loco the most epic 'what you talkin bout, Willis?' face.
Girlfriend's Brother: "Dude. We don't have a fucking Uncle Bart."
This is when the small lab rat started running on it's wheel inside El Baldo Loco's head. What kind of Uncle has no family resemblance and gives you money on a bi-weekly basis? Well it's not so much an uncle thing as much as it's a DADDY thing.
To wrap up this conclusion. Girlfriend admits she has a sugar daddy. El Baldo Loco has no self respect and decides to turn a blind eye. And they live happily ever after...Until the rest of the year when she then dumps him.
Secret to this story: This is not a sad story. If you're sitting there feeling bad for El Baldo Loco. DON'T. If a man gets drunk and ends up having sex with an ugly girl who gives him a yeast infection (which is almost like another El Baldo Loco story with the same girl) is that a sad story or a lesson you shouldn't have drunken unprotected sex with nasty bar creatures?
This story is great to me because there's humor. A life lesson. Tragedy. And a Ginger. It's so layered even though you now know the story it's still beyond yours and my full comprehension. Next time you're in love, don't let love blind you to the fact an Uncle Bart is slipping it into your girlfriends mouth before she kisses you.
Oh my gawd it's Jackie Chan. Oh my GAWD it's Jackie Chan!
June 12, 2011, 04:24:pm
Disclaimer: I have never met Jackie Chan but this story is the closest I've ever come to it.
A couple years back there had been what was supposed to be a super special awesome encounter my hetero life mate Mister Van had run into. A girl. Not just any girl. A badass one from back in the day. When you're in your early 20's it's kinda funny how running into a "Cool" kid from high school can seem exciting. Afterall back when you had the attention span of a squirrel and sporting an erection every 10 to 15 minutes, A LOT of girls seem like Angelina Jolies mixed with Natalie Portmans.
Anyway. Getting off topic up there. I had met Ms. Awesome a couple of brief times. Seemed alright in those passing moments but the sad sad truth came to light on her birthday. Me and Mister Van were cordially invited to celebrate her birthday with her out in the city. But when me and Mister Van got there it was to our discovery no one else was showing up except for her hetero life mate (some asian chick whose name I couldn't remember even if inception was performed on me). A warning flare should have shot out in my mind right there and then. What cool chick do YOU know spends her birthday with her one best friend. One guy from high school. And some guy with glasses?
Don't get me wrong. She wasn't ugly. She was the kind of girl who always had her tits out so if the scenario got stale it didn't hurt to rest your eyes on her cleaveage. AND to top it all off there was the asian girl. Anyone who knows me, knows I've had a severe asian fetish since before I knew women were of a different gender. As we were walking to this vegetarian resturant in the east villiage(Another flare gun warning that passed over my head), ms. awesome dropped a statement that nearly physically stopped me. Shut down my brain. And forever tainted an attraction that predates getting up in the morning to watch saturday morning cartoons.
Ms. Awesome: "Doesn't she look like Jackie Chan?" *Points at asian friend*
It was if her words were an open palm smack across the face. I stared at this asian girl. Me and Mister Van stared at this girl. Long enough to make it awkward. But god damn. She was right. This 20 year old asian girl had the face of the then 54 year old movie action star Jackie Chan. The cock had been rammed straight into my mind. No condom. Asian girls....Can be ugly??? What kind of world was I living in? Who says that about their best friend!?!? And why do I feel my inner child crying as I remember all this?
Fast forward. We're in this hobit hole of a resturant. I'm stuck eating a ceasar salad out of a bowl made out of wood. And the conversation is about how me and Mister Van didn't know what humus was. Excuse us for sticking to ketchup and other non-exotic condiments. Suprise suprise the conversation gets dull after the humus talk and it doesn't take long for Ms. Awesome to turn not-so-awesome. She starts whining about how all her friends betrayed her over some relationship issue she had with a guy in her clique. She then proceeds to down a bottle of wine. I think after that bottle of wine, in the back of Van's mind he at least thought some vagina would be on the way. She's drunk on both alcohol and self-pity so there's got to be a chance he can sleep with her, right? RIGHT??
We're finished eating and me and Mister Van are picking up the check. WHY!? This isn't exacly a date. I have a girlfriend. Jackie Chan has a fiance in the army. I could understand picking up the check for the birthday girl and all but she's been depressing and boring this entire meal. Not to mention it just stings to spend forty bucks on lettuce in a wooden bowl. This is my first real experience in a platonic date/gathering/whatever you'd call it and so far I'm out of forty bucks. Have a tainted image of asian girls. And watched a girl down a bottle of wine in a desperate act of depression. Duh. Winning?
It all ended with a game of pool over on Astor place. Things got slightly weird. By now Ms. Not-so-awesome had revealed more of a pretentious attitude mixed with douchebaggery. Being a vegetarian is all fine and dandy but keep in mind the rest of the world enjoys meat. Trying to shove down how you feel about the animals being slaughtered doesn't stop steak or chicken from tasting so fucking delicious. Nor does it stop the animal from getting slaughtered. Having a holier-than-thou attitude because you don't eat meat is just silly. Cause at the end of the day. You're missing out. Not I.
Anywho. Ms. Not-so-awesome and Jackie Chan spent a good portion of our pool games whispering amongst each other. My guess is they were just exchanging compliments to each other for how unstimulating they were being. To this day that still annoys Mister Van though. It wasn't long before we all split ways. Alone. Unimpressed. And full of regret.
Moral of the story? You run into a cool kid from high school. Don't get your hopes up. Your memories of them are tainted by your teenage penis. Also. If you're boring/bored on a platonic date. At the very least offer a hand job. It doesn't hurt. If anything it's great wrist excercise. Don't leave your tits out and bring your ugly friend that makes you more attractive for nothing. Use it. Be stimulating. If not mentally then at least physically
Story time. I'm doing laundry at 3 am cause that's how I roll. Being the luckiest person I know I'm fortunate to pick the only washing machine in the room with a fucked door lock. My clothes are now held hostage and for the first time in a long time I'm having a conscience quarrel. My good conscience appears first and in his angelic soft tone he reasons "This is unfortunate but if you simply wait a few short hours, you can contact the maintenance team and they'll retrieve your clothes for you". Being both logical and reasonable I nodded my head in approval. Then my bad conscience appeared and in his gruff harsh tone he counters "The fuck you waiting for? Go upstairs. Grab your hammer and take your fucking clothes". And before anything was decided I was reaching through broken glass pulling my soaking wet clothes out of a now destroyed washing machine.
This story says two things. One. My conscience quarrels are useless since my body automatically opts to do the wrong thing. And Two. I needed something to distract me from watching that scene where that girl commits suicide in "The Rules Of Attraction". It's really the only scene in any movie I've ever watched that physically disturbs me.
