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Pajayjay's Journal
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Cold writing.
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November 23, 2008, 12:29:am
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It's hard to accept that I'm dying right now. That everyone I know and love are slowly, but surely dying. Every day I get one step closer to death. It's scary knowing that. For all I know I could die tomorrow, and then...what? It's hard to identify my beliefs, because I'm not absolutely sure of them anymore. I'd love to say I'm a devoted christian-but I never could get into that. I'd love to say I'm living a peaceful lifestyle in Buddha's eyes-but that just never seemed logical to me. I can't help but question' what if I died tomorrow?' Let's say I were to die, tomorrow. Who would show up at that funeral? How would people remember me, honestly? I always viewed myself as a good person but do you honestly think I'm 'good enough' for god's eyes, if he really is out there in the sky? Will I match up to the expectations of death? Whether it's God, or just death in itself...I wonder If I'll be good enough to withstand something so harsh. I don't want to die. Let's just put it that way. The thought of death scares me, and the thought of not being accepted makes me sick-like. It takes a lot to take the stomach whirlwind out of me. The word death does that to me. I wish it didn't. I wish I could accept it, forget it, and let it come in time. To tell you the truth, every time I say goodbye to someone I can't help but wonder if I'll ever see them again. Every time I hug chris or say goodbye, I hope to whatevers out there, that hes still here tomorrow. Every time I tell my mom I love her on the phone, I hope shes not in hardcore traffic about to get hurt. I hope she comes home, even though we don't talk much. Every time I see Ashley in class, I hope she makes me laugh tomorrow. Every time I see Joe, I hope hes there tomorrow making Mr. Kimball's faces to make me laugh. I hate the word death. I shouldn't think about it, but it's there...and it taunts me.
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Ridiculous.
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October 30, 2008, 08:33:pm
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I wish people wouldn't send things to my father when I either told them not to, or they didn't ask to begin with. I'll be completely honest...I don't blame my dad for much. My writings are just a way for me to release some feelings I get deep down inside. It's my way of expressing the way I feel, It's not for people to be sending to him to make him feel even shittier-or even if it didn't, its not their place to send him things at all. It's not their problem. I'm content with life, and yeah, I'd love to be close to my father but thats never going to happen. I'm over it. Sometimes, when I'm sad I just like to type things up to let it all out-It's not because I'm constantly feeling like shit because I don't have a father.
Well, I talked to him. I went to see him a few days ago. I guess he got a letter from "me" recently, except I haven't written to him in years-So who did it? I asked my mother, she didn't do it. I asked a few others, they didn't as well. I wonder :/ I'm sick of it.
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Blank page :]
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October 23, 2008, 02:34:am
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Everyone and their mom knows how much of a fan I am of "The Smashing Pumpkins." It's either me blabbering on about how wonderful they are, or Coheed and Cambria. I can honestly say The Smashing pumpkins have done a lot for me-music wise, and mentally. I remember listening to them feeling half dead, even as a little kid, my mom got me hooked. It's insane how much their music means to me. It's beautiful. REALLY beautiful. Never in my life would I think that I even had the slightest chance to see them, ever. I thought it was like a stupid little dream of mine. I would never be able to afford tickets to see them now that they're such an old amazingly awesome band-adults are willing to pay good money to see them. Jimmy Kimmel live is doing a show for them...it's completely free. The tickets are right on my refridgerator. I kid you not. I honestly think I want to cry about it, thats how intense my happiness is. I've waited years for this. I keep walking in the kitchen and stareing at them. I'm tripping balls on it. Now I'm just the happiest little kid on earth :] Nothing can bring me down right now.
Today was a good day. It went from senior photos with Joe & Chris making me laugh, and me in a DRESS-yes i typed that correctly-And now i see my favorite band, 
I'm inspired now :]
Goodnight America.
I need to make Billy fanart.
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Good morning sunshine
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October 18, 2008, 02:49:pm
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Awake when the sun hits the sky.
:]
18 more days until I see the almighty coheed and their turbine sex 
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I question this
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October 03, 2008, 02:13:am
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Awkward, yet i wouldnt have it any different.
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