Today, I noticed how much my stamina increased since I picked up sword fighting. And I love it. Hence the title, level up. My skills are increasing and I'm feeling better and more confident. I even joined the end-of-the-lesson duels today and they both ended up in a stalemate, even though my opponents were more experienced.
Aside from that, I'm moving out of my parent's house. I'm going to be moving to Nieuwegein very soon where I'm going to share an attic with my girlfriend. n_n
My study is going reasonably well although I still lack motivation. Lately I've been feeling very uninspired. I'm sure this study is as close as it gets for me when it comes to future plans but I'm quite hard to please I suppose. Part of it is because I have a hard time getting to terms with the fact that this world is so fucking disappointing.
My mind is drifting further away from the industrial dystopia ideals I used to have and more towards the serenity of forests, nature and ancient arts. In other words, I'm turning more and more into a hippy. Although I'm still quite fond of being clean. But the downside of this, even though I feel much more comfortable, is that the world around me is more awkward. The whole cityscape is an abomination in my eyes. I've always hated concrete, that's not new. But it's genuinely bothering me lately. Same with the whole industrialized shitstorm I have to travel through when I'm going to school. (My uni is situated near a industrial-area of Amsterdam)
Anyhozel, I'm too tired to continue writing here and frankly I'm not sure who actually reads this crap. So I'm going to have a beer and then call it a night. Got uni tomorrow afternoon so I can't stay up all night.
With happy thoughts and dark ale,
Kris Mood: Tired Music: Dishwasher behind me
Lately I've been having a difficult time to get myself motivated enough to actually do something. I have to admit this study is not what I expected and I'm not too happy about it. But I'll continue anyway cause I can't really do something else, this is my second try and if I flunk this I'll have 2 years worth of debt I can't pay back and nothing to show for it.
So yeah.. There's that. Maybe it'll get better over time. Let's hope it will.
Leaves us fantasizing about war. Have you ever wondered, why violence is such a prominent aspect of our society? It's because we're drawn to it. Deep in our minds we're hardwired for violence. This is because, in the time before laws, the violent specimens of our race were the most successful. Hence, our inherent nature is set for violence.
This is funny because violence is very much a taboo in our social code. It's looked down upon by many and our government tries to abolish it by asserting officers that make you think twice about your actions. And yet, the first thing your primal nature wants you to do when someone pisses you off is resort to violence.
Murder is one of the capital crimes in our system of law. Yet most people under the age of 30 feel the urge to kill someone at least once a day. Which is not surprising really, because there are few things that piss us off more than other people (printers being the main contender here).
What's my point? My point is that I prevented several murders today.
I changed my mind.
Kris Mood: Sleepy Music: Blutengel - Anders Sein
And I figured.. Let's divvy my opinions on bullying. As a kid, I was bullied a lot. Not just because I was (and to this day still am) a chubby kid. But also because I didn't quite fit in with the mainstream. I didn't like the same music or the same clothing as most of the other kids. I enjoyed skating more than skateboarding, I still don't fully understand why they picked on me for that. I didn't like to go on holidays to far countries with my parents, and I still don't. I was friends with a 'nerd' and 'fell in love' (pre-teen lurve.. what a joke) with the 'ugly' girl. Anyways. I've spent most of my youth getting bullied, even after I kicked the shit out of the main bully.. Sneers kept coming. And when I tried to defend myself with the only thing I was good at for the time being, violence, I got punished by the teachers which made me feel so alone in the end. I didn't know what to do about it at the time.
This continued unto highschool although it gradually faded away.. Because I got even stronger than I already was physically and when I caught one of my demons.. (which wasn't too often as they could run faster) Well let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight.
But now, when I'm almost 21. I'm glad they bullied me. I overcame the depressions they caused me to have, conquered my insecurities and studied to prove I was better than them. In essence, the armor of confidence and knowledge I wear today was forged by their efforts to break me. In essence, I should thank them for making me what I am today. Of course, it were a rough 13 years (I start counting from age 5 to 18) of getting bullied, fighting for my place in school and using my headphones to drown out the screams both inside and outside of my head. But it made me who I am today and truthfully, I wouldn't have had it any other way.
But that's because I made it. I'm sure there are a lot of kids who had it worse than me. And I'm not talking about attention whores like Amanda Todd (the tween that showed her tits and then killed herself). And even though I'm a fan of Darwinism, I still think that in some cases it's way too much for a kid to be put through. You can't expect every kid to stand up for themselves. And even if they do, the damage could be too much for them to handle. Because of that, bullying needs to stop. At least the severity of it.
And if that is not an option.. We need to teach our kids 1 fundamental lesson. Never give up. Stop making out these tween suicides (like amanda todd) as role-models and martyrs by blowing up their stories and making them look good. In my opinion, this is creating a false-idol out of someone that committed suicide because she couldn't handle the punch that followed after her own taunt. And, in essence, only encourages kids to give up so everyone suddenly loves them and feels bad for them.
Last but not least, I think the internet is part of the problem. Bullying and trolling is not that far apart although I feel like trolling is of a more whimsical degree where people don't actually get hurt (physically or mentally). But kids don't see the difference. They think trolling is all cool and shit and end up "trolling" the living daylights out of someone because they think it's okay. After all, "everyone is doing it" on the internet. But what they don't realize is that their bullshit isn't funny. It's not whimsical. It's plain cruel and often worse than the standard bullying.
Aside from that, the internet is merciless. Especially groups like 4chan. "We do not forgive, we do not forget" I have to admit, they live up to that line. This is not a place for kids. Heck, most teenagers can't even handle the internet so how can we expect that pre-teens can? It's not even that parents are irresponsible or careless about their children perse, they are just part of the generation before us that grew up without the internet so they are not aware of the problems it's causing with the modern youth. Some awareness campaigns would be nice on that.. It's bad enough this generation is fucked up.
Well, that's it for today. Be aware that these are all my opinions, not facts. I'm fine with it if you disagree, but if you chose to draw this to a discussion. Let's be civil and respectful.
I found something out today. Which is that in spirit I don't really belong in this timeframe. We're at the point in human evolution that doesn't interest me in the slightest bit.
Technological singularity is just beyond our immediate grasp and that frustrates me because I might not live long enough to reach it. And on the other hand, nature's way seems lost to this world. (With nature's way I mean, living like the druids and shamans of old. As tribe in harmony with it's environment.) Which is the other part of the evolutionary tree that I would've loved to thread.
So here I am, in a world surrounded by taboo, pollution and insecurity. It doesn't really matter if I get a uni-degree or not. Chance of finding a job are slim unless I go full-on prestige. The next insecurity lies around the singularity, it's one of the few things I want to live to see happen. As I suspect it'll be the turning point in human history where we stop destroying this planet and start rebuilding it. It's also the point where we can start colonizing the cosmos and secure the survival of this world, including al the lifeforms that inhabit it. In my opinion this can't happen soon enough and in a way I hope to be part of it. How can a game designer be part of it, you might ask? Well, I'm heavily favoring a secondary master degree in Artificial Intelligence.
Lately I've been trying to get myself back in shape but my body seems to be somewhat unwilling. (Ugh, the limits of this world! Shut up and give me the technology to upgrade this feeble thing!) I've been having a really hard time getting out of bed and everything constantly creaks and cracks. It's making me feel kinda old even though I'm barely twenty years old. I hope it'll get better when I start doing sports again to get the rust out of my gears. Easier said than done though! (its expensive x_x)
So yeah.. That's it for now. My inspiration kinda ran out.