For the past few days I've been mierable. Haven't been able to sleep, now I have the headache from hell tht won't go away. Eariler my body felt so werid and uncomfy from not sleeping. No matter how much I just lie there I can't sleep
Sometimes i just feel so lost. Now thinking about it now things before weren't so bad.
I was in school 3 to 4 days a week. Working 6 days a week. Not really having to worry about money. Yea i was in a bad relationship at the time, but other than that things were ok. I remember how busy i was all the time not having time for anything and always busy. Either doing homework, complaining about how much reading i had to do, bitching about not having time for anything or enough sleep. Listening to music all the time. And spending my breaks between classes either sleeping, getting food with Wendi or just sitting in the car having the time of our lives talking about stupid bullshit and soccer games.
I wish i had those days back. The only thing missing at the time was mike. I feel bad because he hasn't really got the chance to see the real me. He did for a short while before i got sick.
Getting bronchitis and not having health insurance screwed me. It first started off as a regular cold. Then it just never went away and i started having trouble breathing. Sometimes i think its karma from having to leave my ex, but it was something that should have been done yrs ago. I am just thankful i have mike now.
Back to what i was saying, i had to do something i didnt want to do. Go to the hospital. I knew that going there i would end up oweing some ridick amount of money. and i was right. I dont want to start off my life having to owe money and have my credit fucked up. But thats not very realistic now.
Find out that i had bronchitis really crushed me. thats when the depression started. I couldnt do for myself since i was having the worse chest pains of my life. Now my ribs are most likey permanently scarred. I still have trouble breathing. And having huge tits makes it worse now. My chest feels so heavy and gets hard to breathe. I think i still have sonmething since it seems like weekly i get sick.
Because of all that, my teachers had to let me go in there classes. I couldnt even drive to school, it was that bad. the next thing to go was my job. worked there for 4 yrs, basically lived there, got sexually harrassed on a daily basis, and disrespected by alot of the snobby childish workers and the redick older customers. i was one of not many realiable people. everyone would come to work either high, or 10 min later everyday.. i was always there 15 mins eariler to get things ready.
After all that and not being able to help mike i just couldnt hang any more. Fell in a huge mental break down. and getting more and more suicidal.
After i left my ex there were things that i wanted to work on for my self. the ablity to trust people, have more confidence and not be so insecure and feel not so worthless in life. So with that and everything else its like a huge pile on my body.
Now i dont really want to do anything. Or want to be here. I just want to live a real life. Seems like i can never be happy. Seems like something after another. Having to deal with a pill addticed mother and having to be here mother and take care of her. Dealing with my parents getting a divorce. Getting raped at a young age. Not having a father around. all he wanted to do was play with his dirt toys. having to walk in a room and see your more overdose more than once and having to call for help. Having a fear of getting into cars, since she decided to drive high as a kite. running away from home because i couldnt deal with it any more and having your whole family judge you from one mistake. didnt help that my mother made her self look good and me look bad because she was the reason i wanted to leave. moved to my fathers and find out that he wishes i was never born, and tries to kill me. Now i dont have trust for anyone. After my dad is sent to prison, i have no family. thankfully i met sammie who i call my adopted mother. but in reality, i think of her as my real mother. she has done more for me than my own mother. i just feel so alone. all i have is mike, snuggles, sammie and her mother bess. sometimes i feel like why am i still here. I wont be missed anyway. whats the purpose anymore.
when will there finally be a time in my life where i can be happy. ive never got the chance to really have it. Mike makes me more than happy. i just want life to be good too.
So i finally finished a project. I made 2 extra pages of the writing i have done. Took ALL day today . if anyone is interested i have a link on my profile to it.
xenon7
