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It just bothers me.
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June 14, 2008, 01:25:pm
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So I was driving home from hanging out with two of my best friends last night, and I was in the best mood, really. We had such a good time just being retarded and silly and everything was awesome. Then Better Man by Pearl Jam came on the radio, and I was like "awh this is such a cute song and I haven't heard it in a while, I'll listen to it until I get annoyed". So I was listening to the lyrics and for whatever reason in the world, the lyrics ripped me apart. They reminded me of an older relationship of mine and kind of uncovered some hidden feelings about a new relationship I might be getting myself into. These are the lyrics that made me stop my truck on the side of the road to just listen to.
Waiting, watching the clock,
it's four o'clock, its got to stop.
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over.
She lies and says shes in love with him,
Cant find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red,
Cant find a better man...
Talking to herself, theres no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears hes gone
She lies and says shes in love with him,
Cant find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red,
Cant find a better man...
She loved him, yeah...she dont want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah...thats why shell be back again
It reminded me of a relationship I was in almost a year ago. I told him I was in love, when I knew I wasn't because I thought I should have been. Now I'm starting something up again with an ex boyfriend of mine. The first and only guy I've ever loved, Brian.. And I'm just scared to death that I'm not going to be able to fall back in love with him because I'm so void of emotion in this regard. Or worse, I'll fall for him and have him break my heart again. I don't know what to do, I'm fairly sure I want him back.. but I.. I just don't know.
Then the night before last night, I got into a horrible 4 hour fight with my most recent ex boyfriend, Andrew. I had to stop the fight at 6 or 7 in the morning to sleep and we haven't finished talking it through. He's a really close friend of mine right now, and I'd like it to stay that way, but we get into fights like twice a week. And I only talk to him like three times a week.
Ugh.. why did things have to turn out this way? Why couldn't I have just fallen for Andrew? That would've been so much easier than this. Ugghh 
Mood: Distraught
Music: Slow Chemical - Finger Eleven
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