Sometimes things can be pretty serious. And sometimes I see hilarious things. I'm happy to share my stories with whoever wants to hear them. Well... whoever anyway. So read and live along my life.
Yep, that's right. That's the problem. I have ADHD.
Big relief. Any drama I've ever had in my life, is to blame on that condition.
I told my parents, and when I told them that it's something genetic and that there's a possibility my mom has got it too, I got total denial. When I told them my sister could have it (if anyone is hyper in this house, it's her), total denial. Sure, stay ignorant and let the problem get worse and worse, bitches!
Anyway, next is to find a way to deal with this.
I also need to learn to stand up for myself and become a little stronger, so I can handle my parents. Yeah, that's right, the psychologist said that I need to learn to handle my parents, not the other way around!
He also wants my mom to come along sometime. Oh joy... We're having one more conversation with me on my own, then I'm taking my mom. I'm really curious about what he has to say to her. Mood: Relieved, excited Music: Coheed & Cambria
So I asked them to take me back in, and my mom was like 'Well you were always welcome. When I told you to walk out the door I didn't say which door. You chose the front door...'
Yeah, like it's REALLY obvious you just wanted me to leave the living room
Anyway, I'm not homeless anymore.
The drama continues though. Mom's picking fights and for some reason she won't do my laundry anymore. Fine by me, but it's just another way in which we can get in each others way...
But at least I can get shit done now. I'm seeing a psychologist, I really wonder what he has to say about it all... I also subscribed for a regular school, since the home course isn't working out for me. I hope they'll let me in!
So, yeah, that's the state of things right now. I'm looking for a job to raise my income and then I'll look for a place so I can get the hell out of here! Mood: Switches from numb to laid back Music: Nightwish - Imaginaerum
Ok, so I ran out of addresses to stay and made a reservation at a hostel. €25,- a night, free food, free internet, free use of the piano... Basically I just pay for my stay.
I met some nice people here, went to Amsterdam with them yesterday. I'm having quite a lot of fun right now.
Still, I only booked for five days, and I don't know where to go next. A friend suggested she'd come with me to talk to my parents and try to talk them into letting me come back home. I hope it works out... If not, I can always try an uncle of mine.
I'm also emotionally fucked up. I don't know how to feel. The relationship I had with a guy turned out not to be what I expected it to be. It's still a beautiful thing to have though. But one time I'm happy to have him as a friend, and the other I'm heart-broken because he can't love me the way I want him to. I also have really double feelings about my situation. At one moment I feel adventurous and excited to have this experience, romanticizing the idea of being a traveler. The other I feel devastaded and I realize how unsure my business is and then I panic because I don't know what to do.
I want to see a psychologist, but since I don't know where I'll be staying even in the near future, or what I'll be doing, I don't know if I'll be able to make an appointment with him and keep it.
So I got kicked out by my parents yesterday. I can see my mom wants me to adopt a certain lifestyle, but she's trying to get me to do so in a hurtful way: by talking down on me, screaming at me, asking me rediculous questions, demanding an answer that I know will only lead to more of those negative words of hers, no matter what I say.
This is not the way in which you should try to change a person.
I can see why she wanted me to change, but because of her way of going about things, I didn't exactly feel motivated to give her what she wants. Why should I change for someone who can only talk down on all that I am?
I wanted to change. I really did. I still want to do the things she always wanted me to do. Keep a normal biorhythm, go to a normal school and actually FINISH an education. I'll still do those things. But FOR ME, not for her.
Instead of stimulating me, she managed to make me forget I wanted to change myself sometimes, that the things she wanted me to do were for my own good. She didn't do it on purpose, but her wanting me to change so bad that she got angry with me everytime I relapsed, unconsciously made me think the change would be to please her, and in time, pleasing her became something I hated to do.
If she would be reading this, she'd think I'm "blaming" her for everything that has happpened, and she'd say that she's not the one I should be blaming. It's MY fault I slept at day and lived at night. It's MY fault I didn't study. Blablabla.
I'm not really blaming her for anything. All she is to be blamed for is not knowing how she had to treat me in order for me to become what she wanted me to be. All I can blame her for is wanting the best for me. I understand it, I really do. However, fact is: when you treat someone a certain way, consequences are to follow. The way she treated me practically sabotaged me to be who I wanted to be, and even part of who she wanted me to be.
She did us both a favor by kicking me out, and removing herself from my life. Now her sick ways can't sabotage me anymore, and I can be who I am, uninterrupted. I can reach for my goals without her negative gibberish holding me back. And who knows, once I've reached my goals, I might be exactly the person she's always wanted me to be.
Oh and don't worry about me. I've arranged some places to stay, so I won't be sleeping on the streets
Things can only go upwards from here on... Mood: I don't know what to feel... Music: Maria Mena - Ugly
<3Infatuation is not love. When you don't get to overcome any disillusionment, you never scope above the levels of the infatuation. (Verliefdheid is geen liefde. Wanneer je geen desillusies te overwinnen krijgt, reik je nooit boven de regionen van de verliefdheid uit. - Piet van Aken)
<3Love cannot be wasted. (Il n'y a pas d'amour perdu. - Marcel Achard)
<3There are as many sorts of love, as there are moments in time. (Jane Austen)
<3Love is distinguished from an affair as storm from draft. (Die Liebe unterscheidet sich von der Liaison wie sich der Sturm vom Luftzug unterscheidet. - Hermann Bahr)
<3Using each others toothbrush: gesture of great love. (Gebruiken van elkaars tandenborstel: gebaar van grote liefde. - Herman Pieter de Boer) Mood: Bored Music: Zelda
We're having one more conversation with me on my own, then I'm taking my mom. I'm really curious about what he has to say to her.
