kinda sorta maybe just a little bit hoples right now
May 13, 2012, 07:57:pm
got in a fight with my sister over effing bread this morning. i feel like i'm falling apart. i feel like no one understands. i feel like no one cares. i know they do...some of them. but nothing i do is right! if i try to make others happy. they use me, don't notice or don't care. if i try to make myself happy. someone gets mad, i can't keep it up or i hurt someone accidentally. i thought i was finding myself again. things were okay. i decided to just let tings be how they were gonna be. i told my self i'd stop being scared. i reached out. i talked to old friends, i tried to make new ones.
i opened up, i posted a vid to the three greatest loves of my life. i wanted them to know i wasn't scared to say i love you. i wanted them to know they were appreciated. not only did none of them even like it, let alone comment. nobody did. not a sole. now i'm pretty much use to no one caring about my posts. but it stings pretty bad, when the people you pour your trust and heart into. not even your own boyfriend...
now i know i'm just whining. i'll look at this tomorrow and feel dumb. but it stings right now. and i'm sorry if i sound bratty. i just can't face it right now. if i didn't know better i'd a probably around in the tub already. i know no one wants to be around an over dramatic who threatens suicide. i'm sorry. but when it hurts for this long...you start grasp at straws i guess. i know its mothers day. this is not what most moms want to hear there children say, any day of the week. i know i look like a self centered bitch right now. all i can say is i'm sorry. but i can't hold this in right now.
kinda blue right now. running out of time, running out of patience, running out of hope, ruining out of food, running out of pain free days, running out of feelings, running out of reasons not to let it take me away. but I'm still looking for a job, and I'm still trying to love and I'm still finding cloudless moments i just wish they weren't so rare. he deserves better. they all do. Mood: guess Music: "hearts a mess"-gotye
i left VF last year a confused soul with broken heart. i fell to hard for someone who did not feel the same. said someone is hear on VF. and though also on my facebook, i met him on VF so it was harder for me to face him here. he is a good soul and i and i know he didn't mean or wish to hurt me. so yes, he is still on my friends list. and i shall still talk to him if he should want to. he will always be the panther in my past. he helped me understand the wolf in me. we did have some good times. i would be lying if i said i didn't miss our chats
but that is the past and we all can only move foreword. i first came to realize his true feelings when someone came lovingly if also shyly back into my life. he confessed that he still had feelings for me. it seemed like like bad timing then. but it saved me form falling any deeper for my panther. and now i am deep in the warm safe comfort of a loving relationship with much closer to my dream lover i would have ever expected from my first official relationship. jynxbat-as he is known here on vf-is one of the most sweet, kind, loving people i could have ever hoped to call my friend let a lone my beau.
but now the two of us have grown wary of facebook. and have decided to give VF another go. i'm not certain how active I'll be on cults these days as i don't have lodes of time on the computer. but i will answer messages and comments, so don't be a stranger.
Mood: positive, hopeful, good. Music: Josephine Baker - Then I
