What is it to be upset, sad, or any of these things, really I've been asking myself this for a bit, a smart man once said that we are in a way responsible for how we feel, this man was very right, in some way we rectify that feeling the way we feel is correct, so if that is the case how do you change your own mind knowing this? Tricky thing really, but then again I find it ironic at the same time, how many of you have encountered people who do not take responsibility for themselves ? I have in many ways, in many ways been such a person , I recently posted an entry about hating people who promote their own pain and had someone throw this back in my face as I posted in rage my own individual experiences as I felt it necessary to do so and leave out the fact that I was doing it more as a statement to say that understanding and undertaking a great amount of loss is a common occurring thing and that the pain of such is not comparable by any means, this of course was misinterpreted but it did promote my thinking about it, ultimately I was responsible for being insulted by this, that is my own feeling reflecting off of an opinion I can abide by, and likewise someone posted against this not wanting to see that the belief that I see that everyone bleeds the same, truth is though , if we wanna bitch and moan and do a real comparison , people are dying in this world as we speak, none of us have a right to be sad when this is happening, that somewhere in the world a little man is fighting for his life at an age that isn't even in his teens, and he needs to hunt, kill, and protect his family or friends depending on how he lives, or himself, and that despite all this he dies anyway, my point with this is that there is more hurt and misery out there that we barely fathom when we open our mouths, when we write and type our opinions, when we try to compare our lives to others it is boarder line discriminatory, due in most part because we have not lived a day in that persons shoes, but likewise neither have they. So what do you do when you know this happens around you, simple , you do nothing because you can't, that is the most traumatic thing about all this, that despite knowing, despite knowing there could be a way to help, all these organizations dedicated to it more often than not take most of the funding in order to keep the organization going and then bitch about wanting more hand outs like the church, oh wait, most of it is run through them ohhh silly me, so it's ok to also let these people save them and then pressure their religion on them and their way of thinking in order to stagnant the development of logical thought , there isn't a real heart in the world that without seeing some benefit, in either a physical materialistic way, or a spiritualistic way, either way people want something more from around them , no matter where they draw this from, I used to believe that people were good in some way, that there was a heart to be discovered in every person, I once believed that there was a way to make friends with even the worst of them by simply understanding that laughter and a good time could be the remedy to an issue, and in a lot of ways I was proven right, but wronged enough to no longer believe such a soul or spirit can be, no I am a fatalist sadly, and I can't take responsibility for my feelings when they aren't proven wrong, when I am constantly proven right by inflexible, unimaginative, uncreative stupid thinking by people who can't live their lives without drama, misery, and self indulgent happiness that's only consistency is that there must be sacrifice to achieve it.
Life sucks, get over it, I hate it when people flaunt their problems as if they can promote their pain being more so than someone elses, I just read some profile about a girl who doesn't know her parents and lost her best friend at 16, well I lost almost 5 family members to cancer in a 2 year period, lost one of the only blood related family members who was one of my best friends at 16, another one of my best friends committed suicide at age 20, and my mom has almost died a few times, once from illness another because someone tried to hurt her while she was preggers with me. Life is horrible, ruthless, relenting, merciless, and down right sad, but it moves forward, with or without you, time is one of the few luxuries we have to call a constant, most of the universe just knows how to exist despite it all, but we, we get an ending, if it is so hard, remember that it does all end someday, that the people we lost are better and safer now from their pain, even if that is a unfeeling void, at least it is a void you can fill together someday, I am not interested in telling you things get better, that it will be ok, it won't, it never is, it just gets easier to cope, and days will go by, and you will grow numb and wither till there is no room left to feel anything. Mood: angry
Time is a weapon of mass destruction. I am biding time waiting for my own to end by all realistic standards most would look at me as an emo kid venting on an alt site, truth is, I can't turn to much else, so I lay this on the line, I hate life, and I'd sooner enjoy a soulless sleep, a rest so my broken ass body might suffocate it's sorrows with one last sensation of pain. Pain is the only constant my life has ever known, and I need not explain that to you my reader but rather I'd ask you understand when I say I've known truly not much else, pain gives us reason to enjoy the good things life has to give us, and the good things I had I enjoyed and took for granted, you may not know it now, but we take what we have for granted everyday, a friend, a lover, a family member, it's like as soon as they pass we all become depressed and feel sorry for ourselves, in my case I lost my two best friends growing up and yet I do not feel such a way, no my only desire is that my turn comes up and that I join them in whatever paradise or hell they may be at, at least it will provide me with a sense of closure. I don't want anything special, nothing immaculate, I do not want to be special, I am not, I do not believe that life holds more for me than any other man or women, when I bleed I bleed just like you do, as human beings we try to gauge each others worth everyday, I never did this though now I wish I had of, I ran from such a concept , wanting to live a life of beautiful acceptance, to have friends of unique varieties and to get to know the truly interesting as best I can as to avoid having some morons who are all just clones of one another, another wish I never saw. I do not know a single unique person other than myself in most ways, and I do not mean that I don't know unique people, I just don't know many who have interests beyond gimmicks, and substandard sub-dreams that are only existent as to be a part of the fake and temporary culture people have joined in on, I've never known what it is to fit in, or what it is like to be a part of something, I've spent most of my life disconnected from everything and everyone and I doubt anyone can truly relate to that feeling, I have memories that date back to when I was 3, and can remember such moments on a whim and recite them, I can tell you my whole life story from that point to here without fail. Something I am proud of, I truly know myself, something most take for granted or re-assure themselves they have at the very least. Mood: distant.
