So from my last journal entry, nothing has really changed except my attitude.
As much as I hate being alone, I'm not really alone. I do miss physical and emotional entwinement with another human, I guess I can do without. It's been at least 10 months now. I am strong.
But I am broken.
I'm broken, because the more I hear, "Just wait, you'll find someone amazing," it sparks frustration in my heart. I feel like I've been waiting a long time. I feel like I've wasted so much time on dead ends. Just have to wait longer I suppose...
I'm broken, because I'm so afraid of finding someone I actually like and hurting them, by my own unwillingness to open up my heart...
I'm broken, because I'm awkward. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. Being myself has yielded terrible results.
But I'm strong, because I keep going. Foolishly or not, I am still here and I keep going.
Everyday is a struggle. I have to fight myself so much, I am tired. But I am still strong. But I am also broken, because I have to fight myself so much. Doubts occasionally take hold. Mood: Calm Music: The Glitch Mob
Recently, I find myself alone, or at least, feeling alone.
I've upset a lot of my friends some how it would seem. And it seems my good friends are drifting away in their lives. I've truly lost some friends. Then again, they did as much pushing as I did. Not really upset about that. I know their priorities will always be Sex, Alcohol and then me; and I just removed myself. Someone else gets to be a last priority.
Anyway, I've upset a group of my friends some how. I don't really know how. It isn't all my fault. I am determined that it is not all my fault. Anyway, lets call them T, M, S, and D. D is dating S. S started having feelings for me. T has had feelings for M for a very very long time. T and M are not official, but I've noticed subtle flirtation and the like when I am around them. I've noticed S flirting with me. And I've noticed D noticing S's flirtation. I am the odd man out in every way. I am determined not to return S's flirtation. I really like D, so I kindly ignore flirtation and just move on. But that hasn't really been enough. I had to stop hanging out with S it felt so awkward. D is angry at me for "hurting" S and not hanging out with S, even though he clearly knows S "likes" me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Thing seem resolved now, but I feel farther away from T, M, S, and D than I ever have... Yay for doing the right thing... -_- Just kidding. I feel like shit. And this feeling has been building up for a long fucking time. I mean, I feel like shit, because I feel more alone now than at any point in my life.
And the fact my last "romantic" encounter ended up leaving me more jilted and even more trust issues. Here is this piece of the story. We shall call the characters in this, BA, and J1 and J2. J1 was trying to hook BA up with J2. However, some how, BA became interested in me. A not-sober night, some making out, some sort of, relation with BA was established. Nothing official. We hung out other times. Then had sex about a week later. Come to find out, J1 had sex with BA, the day before and that night after I had left. Well needless to say, BA felt guilty and told me. But whatever. Still had sex with her a few more times. However any potential for real feelings and a relationship, died after I found that out. BA got seriously offended when I used the words, entirely truthfully, "Fuck buddy." After that I grew ever more distant. Still occasionally hung out, but made myself very distant. Then one night, BA was doped up on painkillers, for her arm which she broke. And J1, very drunk. J1 pitched an idea of epically stupid and criminal proportions, and wanted me to be a look out. After that I essentially stopped talking to him. He was grievously upset when I wouldn't answer his text messages. I went on a walk with him, maybe mid October. J1 has done a great job of fucking up his life. Anyway, BA and J1 are the people I've cut out of my life. Here's to not missing people with fucked up priorities.
And yet I still feel so very alone. I miss the one girl I probably actually loved. She hates me. Or is making believe she hates me. I don't know anymore. I guess I miss people giving a fuck.
Facebook bores me. DeviantArt is filled with people too busy uploading amateur porn, MS paint drawings, shitty sketches, self portraits and other uninspired shit to look at what I do. YET I'm still more popular than I used to be. anyway, point is, DA's uploads kind of suck. Occasionally i catch something cool, but I am tired of how much shit I have to shovel through...
and vampirefreaks is extremely quiet. I've tried starting conversations, but I guess people just don't like me.
All my time wasting websites new content I can breeze through in 5 minutes.
I'm philosophically exhausted. I'm so fucking tired of "that's right that's wrong life is all about this" bullshit.
I'm lost for what to do in my free time. Work tires me out faster and faster and faster... School tires me out but not as fast, but takes up a lot of time...and yet I can't think of anything to do with my free time. It's sad...
Anyway, that's my rant. and I'm posting it on vampirefreaks, because none of the mysterious people mentioned above, will ever find or read it. or if they do, they have to click more than 3 times. And even now, it is highly probably, no one will read it anyway. Mood: Exhausted, Casually Suicidal
What do you say to someone who misses you, but you eventually stopped missing them because you figured they would never come back around? What do you say to someone who has fucked up certain aspects of their life (not for the first time) this time?
Do you lie? "I missed you too, I've been busy" "That sucks man. Too bad about that entire situation. I feel for you man" Do you remain neutral? "I've been busy" "I'm sorry to hear that." Do you tell them the truth? "I figured you forgot about me." "I'm sure glad I wasn't in the car with you. But you really should have seen it coming. I could. And I was far far away."
What do you say to someone who wants to hang out, after you'd been angry for so long and finally stopped because you decided it wasn't worth it, but you still don't trust? What do you say to someone you've watched use numerous people? People they swore they were in love with, but ended up throwing away when "love" wore off?
Do you tell them a lie? "Sure, lets hang out." "she was a bitch. good for you on leaving her." Do you remain neutral? "I'll have to see what my schedule is like." "It happens..." Do you tell them a truth? "I don't want to. I can't trust you." "It happens a lot to you. I'm surprised that you are still surprised. can't you see the fucking pattern?"
What do you say? I'm sorry things have happened, but I can't say I didn't see it coming. I'm sorry i've been distant, but that's just the way it goes. my life has changed, so has yours. Just because I'm not angry anymore doesn't mean I trust you.
Suspended in this strange world between worlds, a place that only exists because I occupy the space, and a single thought inspire an infinity more into being. Perhaps coalescence is at hand; collisions perhaps imminent, division and re-division always percipient. Back to the start, suspended between worlds.
Where do you run when there is no place you can run? Back to the beginning it would seem... Mood: inexactingly finite Music: Karmacoma by Massive Attack
