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FlightDenied's Journal
..::BeautifullyBroken::..
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These Are Words That I've Wanted To Say.
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April 21, 2008, 12:52:am
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Just some random things that have been going back and forth through my head for a while, but I've either never had the guts to say them, or never got around to it. I'm not giving names to anyone, but the one to myself. It's more anonymous, and less sketchy for me. So, don't go asking if you're so and so one, because I'm not going to tell you unless I WANT you to know. If you know enough, you'll know exactly which one is about you, if any are. I also know that I didn't include EVERYONE, so relax.
Dear Myself,
You can do this. Stop being so pessimistic about it, it's not going to help anything. Also, stop being so lame and stop being so harsh on yourself. You truly are beautiful, and there is much proof about this. Stop thinking about what might, or might not happen, and enjoy the here and now, and the time you have with him. He loves you immensely, and deep down you know this, so stop ignoring it, or pretending otherwise. You're everything to him, and you that he is everything to you. So why not let it be at that?
-Me
Dear One,
There are indeed a lot of things that I'd like to say to you, but I just can't seem to put everything in the right words that I wish they'd be in. You are indeed everything to me. As cheesy, and cliche as it is, everything that I do, I do it for you. I'd go anywhere that you wanted to, but if I wanted to go somewhere that you didn't want to, I wouldn't. Maybe I'm overly-devoted, maybe I'm naive. Regardless the case, I love and you're all I have right now, and that's plenty to me.
-Me
Dear Two,
I'm so happy for you on so many levels. You're finally getting to use all the potential I knew you really had. You're going to do amazing, I know it. Well, that is if you don't get distracted. So DON'T!!! Rawrasuar! You're one of the few who've developed enough balls to leave this shitty place. I admire you. You're amazing, and I know that you'll find that out all in due time.
-Me
Dear Three,
My obsession of some nine years. Something, even now, I can't seem to get past. You put me through an emotional wringer, without you even knowing. I suppose ignorance is indeed bliss.I'll never know what it was about you that led me to compulsively chase you like there was nothing else in this world. The only thing that I can think of is wanting what I can't have, and oh did I ever want you. More than anything in this incomplete, corrupt world. You opened me, ripped me apart, and failed to put me back together. Luckily, I figured out how to do that on my own. You were the biggest part of my life and the least involved in it.
-Me
Dear Four,
Yes, I indeed waited for that day for at least a year, probably much more. I wish it was done much, much sooner. Nothing to do about it now, because I didn't want to get involved, probably because of my experiences, past history, with the other half. I'm so glad it did happen, you'll never even know. Maybe there was selfish intent in it, maybe not. I'm not completely sure, nor was I ever sure. I'm proud of, for the mere fact that you got out of a bad situation and were no longer blinded. Out side view seen it as either stupidity, or a boy who was sad. I'm not going explain that, but I'm sure you can get what I mean with it. If not, I'll leave it to your own imagination.
-Me
Dear Five,
I'm an evil person because I'm leading you on with no cause at all. Just because I can. No, we're not getting together, ever. So hence the leading on. I'm sorry, but you're just so easy to mess with. Most of the time, it's not even the truth in what I tell you. Hey, nobody's perfect.
-Me
Dear Six,
You are the epitome of horrible people. You like to pull people along simply because you can't learn to love someone. Blame it on what ever the hell you want, but it still isn't a good excuse for being the way you are. You found me when I was vulnerable, and you fucked me in every way imaginable. I don't have much to say about you, considering you don't even deserve words.
-Me
Dear Seven,
You are the voice of reason, in my book. You always have sound advice, opinion or not. I can talk with you about anything, and have. You never are judgmental, and you always listen to me, unconditionally. That's something so greatly appreciated. I know I can always turn to you with anything without having to worry about you going all crazy on me. Just know that you're appreciated by me greatly.
-Me
Dear Eight,
Ah, you. I've always wished that there was something there, even though we did talk about it. Those e-mails were the highlight of my day at a time when everything was oh so bleak. It's the only regret that I have in my life so far. I really do wish, so much, that I had said something sooner. That's what I get for being shy as all hell.
-Me
Dear Nine,
Ah, you too are amazing. You gave me good advice about a situation that turned out wonderful. Thank you so much. I WILL find a way to get back into communications with you, never fear. I really do hope that everything is going well for you, college wise, as I'm pretty sure it is. You have a amazing abundance of talent, and I know you're using it well.
-Me
Dear Ten,
You're quite the smart one, especially philosophically. You an always give me a good conversation, and I admire that. You confided in me about something really personal, and I thank you for trusting me like that.
-Me
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What Was I Really Expecting?
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April 20, 2008, 04:05:am
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Are we listening to the words that own our hearts? Of course we are. We live by them, in fact. However, can you live by words that are continuously being proven wrong in your own personal case? Does your life then become meaningless, or does the words that own your heart become dead? Does the world you live in become a trial of fiction, or do you let it blow over, ignore it, and live in lies?
I suppose those can be considered redundant questions, depending on how you look at them. There just seems to be more and more redundancy in my life lately. Maybe it's out of my own suffice. Maybe I just don't know why, maybe I just let it run it's course, full well knowing that it is going to get horribly off track in it's due time. Maybe I want the train wreck. I know that I don't really know what I want or what I am sure about anymore. Everything just seems to keep getting more and more meddled.
I am in an urgent personal want of figuring myself out completely, down to every single last aspect. The fear of it all, however, is what if I do find out everything, which might be an impossibility all in itself, I will have nothing left to learn, causing me to become boring to myself. Sure, it will allow me to better explain myself, but then I'll become mundane to myself. That in itself, once again, might not be worth the trouble.
I might have to come to terms with something that I never wanted to come to terms with for multiple decades later. With that being said, should I not try? What if I build this all up and it all comes crashing down, which it will? Should I just not even attempt it, for fear of it? The possibility still remains, however, that it might not happen until multiple decades later. It terrifies me, but am I just looking at it in a self centered way? I'm just trying to think ahead and think of my well being in the end of it all. Is that so self centered? No, it's human nature. Some people just take it above and beyond necessary. I don't want the fight, the story, to end early, before it's barely off the ground. Should I even try to fight for a battle that might not even begin? Or should it do it on the chance that the battle might not need to be fought for a while to come?
I need to be content with what you choose. Make me into something you want, I'm at your control, I want you to have control. And it saddens me so that I will smile and bear it, rather than just walk away. In the end, it'll be worth more than anything I could ever possibly imagine
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A Glimmer Of Hope That I Have Found.
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April 18, 2008, 10:52:pm
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I grew up in a family in which my parents were wicked overprotective. I also lived in a very 'middle of nowhere' type of town where pretty much everyone had to ride the school bus. I was never allowed to go ANYWHERE, except for school. I had to take the bus home every night and what not. I was never allowed over to friend's houses, no extracurricular activities, the whole nine yards. It sucked, yes, but I got used to it. It's funny how quick you can adapt to anything if continuous enough.
Along with that, came the ever present 'not allowed to date' experience. My whole social life was pretty much non-existent, apart from when I was at school. As most teenagers, or just anyone that has gone to school, will realize that that doesn't suffice all that much.
I also acquired how to say, a one sided love affair that lasted for some nine years. It started in Kindergarten and last until eighth grade. It was one of those situations where he didn't even know I was alive, to an extent. I was friends with him up until about fifth grade, when people started dividing into 'cliques', then I was pretty much invisible. The funny thing is, I've seen him a total of about four times since tenth grade, most only for a few moments, and when I do, all the feelings that I had way back then automatically come rushing back.
As for the reason why I have seen him so little is because at the very beginning of my tenth grade year, back in 2004, there was an accident involving my thirteen year old sister while she was getting of the bus. She passed instantly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy, it just helps better explain my situation and what I've been through.
After that event happened, I ended up taking a few too many days off from school, thus preventing me from returning. Then I went with the whole home schooling thing. I was doing that through the school and what not, but the teachers and people that were supposed to be helping me stop communications, so I was not able to move forward with it. Because of that, I was not able to go to my prom, or even graduate with my class. It was a very crushing thing.
When I turned eighteen, I moved out to an apartment in the town part of where I lived. I moved into there in December of 2006. Everything was relatively calm until late June of 2007.
About May, I invited a friend from high school, who I also had some history with back in high school, and her boyfriend, who I was also friends with, to come visit with me until the end of summer. That situation would last for a about a month.
Aa for my history with her, what it comes down to is that she got at me at a very confusing and unsure time in my life. I had known her since middle school, on and off, because she was two or three grades ahead of me. Once I hit high school, I learned that it was a time were you were more likely to meddle with people in higher grades than yourself. As Freshmen year progressed, we got closer to the point of neither us nor no one else knew if we were or weren't going out. It was a confusing time for me because it was at a time in which I was more or less fiending for some kind, any kind, of human affection. She was the first person in my life that ever showed me anything of the sort, so I attached myself to that. She knew that and realized that. I'm not sure if she took advantage of that, but it sure felt like that. It felt like she tagged me along for her own amusement, played me like a well used piano. I soon enough realize that it was just something to occupy her time when I left school, she lost contact, and randomly showed up again about two years later with a random boy. There was immense confusion all around, mainly only on my part though.
After they moved in with me, Stephen, the boy moved out shortly after, and Sarah and I acquired jobs to pay for the rent and what not. Shortly after that, I went through my fair share of 'partying' and 'sexual experiences'. There was an abundance of alcohol almost daily, the whole weed thing, there was a few threesomes, girl experiences, and a decent amount of promiscuous behaviors. It was at that time, I lost my virginity, and yes it was a drunken happening, to a kid named Dustin. I was eighteen, almost nineteen at the time. Dustin agreed to 'go out'. Because of the situation he was in, I only got to see him on weekends, that was two days of the week, and I was fine with that. I was just happy to finally be going out with some one, to be connected with some one. The situation was fine for the first two weeks, I seen him on both days. Then week by week, it got less and less until about a month after the first initial weekend, and then he stopped coming by completely. I let that go on for two weeks, and then I decided that it simply wasn't going to work. I had also found out a week before that the first weekend he stopped coming by, that he was making the time to spend with his ex and her friend. Unfortunately, the only contact that had with him by then was through MySpace, so I broke it off that way.
The thing is, I would have let that go on for no one even knows how long, if I hadn't found some one who was more promising than I could have ever imagined. I was still working at the same place, and I had started talking to some one, Matt, who didn't really talk much to other people. We pretty much hit it off right away. We shared a lot of common interests and we shared very similar views on various subjects. We basically got along famously. There was a lot of playful banter, and quite A LOT of flirting, on both ends. I ended up 'cheating' on Dustin about a week before I had broken up with him. Neither of us knew if it was only a one night stand or if it could have been something more. I've cheated on that. There was only one flaw in this plan, he also had a girlfriend at the time. He was also rather unhappy in the relationship, it was also the first time he's ever cheated. He had broken up with his girlfriend at the same time that I had broken up with Dustin. We started seeing more and more of each other after that, and after about a week, we were spending twenty-four seven with each other, and we were both fine with that.
There was an issue with some one t my apartment to which he was breaking into my apartment when I was spending time/nights at Matt's apartment. He ended up stealing a few things and what not. It got to the point where I just didn't feel comfortable in my own apartment anymore, and I definitely couldn't leave it to go spend time with Matt. I ended up getting out of my lease a few months early, and I moved in with him. Also, a few months before, we ended up getting TOO distracted with each other, and we ended up missing quite a few days because of it, resulting in us getting fired.
Since then, we've been spending about seven months of non-stop time together. Some people would have a problem being able to do that, but neither of us have. We enjoy it very much, that's why we're reluctant to go back to work. Even if we work at the same job, it's still not the same because it's not always one on one time, and that's something that we cherish immensely.
It's just simply amazing that I've found some one that I see myself spending the rest of my life with, some one that I WANT to spend the rest of my life with. It's an amazing feeling. It's something that I couldn't have foreseen for a while to come, especially so 'early' in my dating life. We have a connection that I never would have thought was possible. It just goes to prove that things like that happen when you least expect them.
As a young girl, I dreamt up these expectations of what a perfect relationship would be for me, as I'm assuming most girls and some boys do. Of course, certain expectations/ideas have change of the time, but a lot of things did indeed remain constant. Even with the changes, he's fulfilled everything that I always hoped a relationship would be. He's made my ideal relationship, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I was always the person that never wanted kids, and he's changed my mind about that. I was also ever pessimistic about the whole love thing, as in whether or not it existed, and if it did, it never would happen to me. I was shown different. My out look on life has changed dramatically, for the better. All the best things that I feel that I have written happened when I was down and out, because it was something I knew quite well. I haven't written anything that has compared to any of that in over eight months. I used to be down and have the rare up moments, now I'm up and have my rare down moments.
Even though you're in a relationship, you can still be a hopeless romantic for all of time. There is always going to be hope for everyone, no matter how you feel right now. Sure, there might be some one else out there better for you than the person you're with, but why not enjoy what you have while you have it? You just really never know if you are going to find that better suited person that's out there for you. There are millions of people are there, so the search might be next to impossible. For the people that don't think that love exists, it does very much so, it's just a matter of time until you find that person who's willing to show you otherwise.
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In The End, It Doesn't Even Matter.
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April 04, 2008, 03:48:pm
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I feel like I’m at a standstill in my life. There feels like there’s nothing in my life that I can look forward to. The only thing I can think of to look forward to is settling down. Is that something that’s too early in my life to be aiming for? I just feel that there should be something else that I should want to produce with my life. I can’t just sit around doing nothing. I never could. I have to always keep myself busy. I’m not enthusiastic about anything, because I don’t have all too much to be enthusiastic about. Engagement is a little whiles off, much less marriage. As far as children go, I know that that’s something that is a long way off. At the same time, I’m not particularly down about anything in specific. I’m not dejected about either fact of the whole marriage or kid aspect. I know both will come when the time is right. Yeah, it’s something I’d like, but I won’t push it. It’s too early in my life to want and get such things. To put short, I’m not holding my breath for it anytime soon. It’s not so much a happy medium either though for the mere fact that there’s more that I want to do than I am currently doing.
I’m in a toss up of where my feelings stand on the whole battle of happy versus sad. I am unhappy at the fact of what it goes back to of not having anything to really accomplish. Of not really having anything to move forward with. That meaning, that the way I’m seeing things is more everything apart from personal wise. I know that I’m good with the whole personal situation. My personal life isn’t something that worries me. Everything that I am having problems with finding out what to do with is everything else short of personal. As far as not being sad goes, that’s just for everything that is relationship/personal wise. It’s filled with a maze of things that are a long stretch of explanations. The only reason those explanations are so lengthy is simply for the mere fact that over think everything about it, thus causing a long string of undue reasons that don’t even seem to belong. As far as which one wins? As much as I’d like to say happiness, it’s not. It’s not by a lot, but it just slides by.
I’m learning that things aren’t also instantaneous, and happen right away, or even as soon as I’d like them to. The things I want are getting constantly confused with the things that will actually happen. I’m thinking and wanting in a very unrealistic, hazy world. Maybe it’s because I’m living in a realistic, unrealistic world. The realistic part being realizing everything can’t always be rainbows and butterflies. That everything that is bad, can and does happen. It doesn’t always happen all the time, but the possibility is definitely there. The unrealistic part of it is that I still want those possibilities to not even exist.
How is that every time he does something wrong, I end up being the one that feels like shit? How and why does it always end up like that? I get angry, and then he’s either upset or angry and then I feel like a grand piece of shit for making him feel so. The thing is, if I mention that, it will only get him upset for making me feel so, and that will in turn make me feel even more like a piece of shit. It feels like I keep going in and out of emotional turmoil hell. It’s because I don’t know, nor do I understand, what’s going on, much less, how to handle it. It’s something so pointless, and stupid, but so very true. I hate it. I hate not understanding what I need to the most.
The whole kid thing also keeps playing back forth in my mind. I know that it’s such wrong timing, on SOO many levels, but I can not help it. I’m with someone that I happen to love immensely, and someone that makes me WANT to have a kid with him. It’s a tie that we will have together for the rest of our lives. It seems greedy and selfish to want that, but I do more than anything. I want to be tied to him for the rest of my life. I want a part of him to be with me for all of time. He’s my key to unlock the emotional mess that has been accumulated over eighteen years, and because of that I’m wanting to fill in the key to my tattoo.
As far as the tattoo goes, it has two VERY important meanings. First of all, I always have taken a liking to wings, hearts, and the whole key and lock symbols. Hence, I wanted to design a tattoo that incorporated all of the above. That’s a reason why I got the design that I did, but it’s not so much of an important one. The first one was the fact that I used to take my emotional pain out on myself physically. It’s never a bad thing to do, but it was indeed the only way that I knew how to cope with certain things that became and emotional overload. I wanted something that would help me to prevent doing that again by a decent amount. I decided that about the majority of my left fore arm would suffice, considering that was my spot of choice. I’m proud to say that it has, minus about two slip ups since January 2007. The other reason, the one that NO ONE knows about, is just as personal, if not, more to me. A while ago, I used to have this real penchant for writing, although it was only really a ploy to please myself and make me feel more legitimate. Back in February of 2006, I wrote a phrase that has always stuck with me since then. It read as follows; ’I think I’ve found the key to unlock my emotional mess and make it stable.’ Back then, it was something that was just words to fill space, but it always stuck with me, even after a little under a year. In fact, it still stays with me until this day, and probably always will. It is going to literally stay with me for the rest of my life. It made the key and lock (it actually turned out to be just a key hole, but it works) so much more important to have. The idea that I had to it was to have a key and lock (key hole) shaded until I did actually find someone that could unlock my emotional mess and make it stable, and then I would fill it in with color. I believe that I have found the person that can make that complete.
I’ve always lived by the motto of live your life as if it were your last, whilst living it in a way that you have no regrets. I’ve learned that even if you have those regrets, what you did to acquire those regrets makes you who you are today. It’s sometimes okay to have regrets, but the important thing is to not dwell on them. That’s the mistake that most people make with regrets. I have torn out pages of actions from long ago, formed by half-hearted decisions, having the simplicities of not knowing what comes next in an obscure sequence, learning that it can become a surprise of slow tranquility. I’m tired of looking for things that just aren’t there. I’m tired of running away from things that always stay still, placid, and sane. I’ve learned that there isn’t always love lost when two friends become more than ’just friends’, even if for one night. I’ve learned that it can make that bond SO much stronger. I think so much, too much, about the things that don’t deserve nearly as much time as I give them. The time that I’ve spent thinking about all the things I have over the years could break concrete walls down.
I’ll hush myself into the very early hours of the morning thinking of everything that I’ve ever done wrong to you, even though you think that I never have. I would, could, never do anything that I’ve done on purpose, but by accident I still have done them. I don’t feel anything but regret for it. Doing them on accident is way worse in my eyes than doing them on purpose. It’s the things that you don’t realize you’re doing it. I don’t ever want to hurt you. You’re so beautiful, and it’s way past superficial facial features.
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Inside Four Walls
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January 31, 2008, 09:14:pm
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I wish I wasn't like this.
I wish I hadn't given him the control.
Now all I can do is wait and hope he doesn't exploit it.
He can make me or break me sooo easily and I think he knows it.
The most dangerous thing a boy could have is that ability.
You can either learn to accept the fact that your stuck, or you can try to end it by pushing him away as far as possible.
I opt for the first option.
I'm hoping he can handle what I've given him more than I can.
He's done a good job so far.
Truth be told, I'm so glad that he has that ability.
I've been waiting for some one who'd I be able to give total control of.
♥
Music: Alive And Well - Rise Against
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