Take note my alter ego has shown me two sides of him the one you know as my bondage side the forever lusty happy hardcore happy go fucky side of me and the other side a nutbar with only chaos and destruction in mind.
Today we talk about the Bondage side of me.
I growl, I lick my lips and laugh hard and heavy I laugh chaotically, ravenously. Panting heavily gripping even tighter, scratching, scraping like you would a cage or signs of neediness and desperation.
It's safe to say this is one of my discipline's to bring order to the chaos within, to control and contain to be five minuets of apart of the true me, to take off the mask of reality and wear my more preferred mask a mask of hunger rebellion tiredness ache an itch for freedom.
I hunger for lust excitement adrenalin and freedom away and outside the fall walls con-finery of a room both a room materialistically and of the mind, because all houses bedsits flats are, are rooms within rooms each aches and bores like the last, the fire in my eyes in my soul is rebellion and retribution, every blue moon glazed over hawketh back to crude harsh reality like a penitentiary pen, being reminded that everything is monetary everything is materialistic.
The things you own end up owning you, your born you age and grow you work and then you die, you work 9-5 the watches and cars you buy you don't own they own you, the clothes you buy end up owning you, everything you are or you think you are you are not they are you.
Your life isn't even your own from the day your born your taxed eg monetary world and the government tax money, every hospital every bossiness every house hold pays their tax's national insurances id birth certificate just so the government can watch and tax you and your family's, their family s and so on.
The darker side of me the alter ego part not many if any really get the chance or the opportunity to see.
The one without order without discipline without rules and regulations, cares or worries the be all and end all put simply carnage utter brutal carnage and annihilation, without restraints confines or control an emotional and unstable wreck to quote a walking nightmare of bloodshed and dread.
The happy hardcore face similar to the bdsm one but a different hunger a hunger for causing pain, more happy hardcore and more focused around the chaotic, the side of me that reeks of hell and can smell fear as well as see fear within and on people like a euphoric cold sweat, when your hands get clammy and your throat dies up swallowing hard, if I notice these symptoms on the afraid my alter ego would spot them a mile away, to be afraid is to be human fear is good it teaches you, it wakes you up to the cold hard facts and keeps you sane.
For example people who are afraid of heights are either sensible and logical enough to climb high but be safe and secure or not climb at all, without being afraid of heights we would misjudge them and fall, the similar rule applies with my anger be afraid to not over step your mark or do so at your own peril.
Tiredness and boredom are weighing me down, I need some entertainment rofl that and maybe a few people worthy to talk to some people interesting and new perhaps ... I feel like the god father of vf iv been on that long it's lost it's true meaning so come people entertain me debate with me enlighten me im giving you all a shout out bring a spark of thrivlness back to my life even if only for a second.
:P finally a topic both me and my alter ego agree on.
As I walk through the ages with the world on my solders the cross holds me down I hear them laughing and walking away, carry the cross and suffer the loss hear my confession forever damnation.
If that quote sounds familiar look up arch enemy their album doomsday machine number 5 carry the cross.
I write about this primarily for three reasons not only describing why their my best band and its the first real proper heavy metal album I got into but why and also I will throw in why the title demon to this journal.
First off the three reasons why I like it well when I first heard it on scuzz a female vocalist that growls like that I was blown away hooked for life seen em live 5times unfortunately due to travel arrangements I missed one of the guitarists birth day christopher ammot's :P I was gutted, I waited a whole year due to the shitty volcanic ash clouds to even just see the gig.
Second reason it reflects alot of my shadowed and ? marked childhud of chaos and the unknown as well as having a nemesis of my own as I quote nemesis arch enemy dooms day song number three eye for an eye that's the kind of guy I am, then theirs taking back my soul due to my religious beliefs a soul is a very important thing it rivals that of honer pride and im quite an honourable man but for my nemesis's out their don't mistake it for a sign of weakness im harsh to harsh people and I was born and bred into dirty fighting haha all I'd say is hello alter ego and bye bye you.
Finally the third reason not only is it heavy up my street and bringing elements of the band carcass with it but their progressive sound puts the harshness of reality into prospective as I move onward and forward.
Now to describe demon well I consider my self part demonic part holy man but I guess its the demoness and demonic pleasures I like in life eg heat fire lust drugs the odd supple of wine I know I know im destined for hell but im rather use to it's fears by now facing hell on earth a few times and quite frankly we all have fears our imagination runs away with us from us and betrays us their.
But knowing my luck I'll meet a few inmates shall I say their so im in no rush to leave if anything hell is probably the one place I can truly be my whole alter ego without having to worry or care what people think and who gets hurt after all hell is hell a prison I'd rather not go to but here is a question would you, knowing your fears multiplied first your mind worn down then your body eventually you'd submit or crack and brake under pressure.
but demonic for me basically symbolises fire hot showers losing mental control of ones true self and be reborn let free into chaos bondage and blood shed, after all all control is like a tv remote just a mental form of a switch to regain composure modesty valour, dignity and respect but respect is also earned on the battlefield and so is ones true name after all you never feel more alive until put so close to death and why is that I call it adrenalin your heart pounding and time changing speeds in motion or as I really like to call it, hyper rem state using your bodies energy reserves tapping into insane strength and speed and my switch well let's say its not switchable im calm semi docile can sometimes snap into hyper rem but rarely but if I do their is no stopping me their is no switch blame that on reality blame it on every one that wronged me turning me part demonic in nature over the years or even blame it on the bullshit of love if it exists I haven't found it and if I did its not all its cracked upto be as I suffer one day even if in hell those that made me suffer will suffer ten fold.
You see theirs a difference between defending ones self and attacking in order to defend, the difference being a defender will defend mostly maybe attack back to stand his ground and keep him self whole but me I like to attack when attacked, its my way of saying you want my life my possessions my flat or to destroy anyone and everyone close to me you gotta go through me or back off their is no you can walk over me bullshit if you try and im not attacking then I suggest you stay out my life and once your gone you stay gone or be gone.
friends times and places make up memories memories equal your personality who you are today everything good and everything bad including enemy's failures success's to destroy or damage them is to mentally attack a person however it doesn't work on me due to go ahead do it in person right in front of me without my sanity my alter ego would tare you apart, no doubt hell is planning and pining on that as I ponder bullying a bully does it make you better then them yes or no even if not who knows I enjoy inflicting pain on the wicked, more than I should I'll blame that on the wicked for pushing me about giving me extra nudges so all you haters and bullies you are your own down fall you switch me into alter ego state not the good bondage kind more like I'll rip your face off and show it to you kind and I have no problem with that.
In saying that when everything smooth and ok im ok I don't like authority to much but its tolerable eg work place you have to follow the boss's rules to not get fired and get a pay check as for authority I stay within the law even if only just, I know the bounds and limits of not only rules and laws but mentality how people operate so I can easily suss out certain situations body language being a dead give away you see people can lie body language and expression can not.
for all those who like to test that theory pretending your happy when your sad for example the lie is your happy sure your body language might reflect but it is not the body language that lies but the person lying behind it.
As for my take on lies well everyone says they want honesty that's bullshit like you could go up to your boss and say you fat fuck or women who ask does my bum look big in this well what do you want the truth or a lie. a lie can comfort you just as much as the truth but for those of you that know me all to well I rarely lie due to two reasons.
First reason honesty is best altho you can hide harmful truths with plain every day truths and well I generally am an honest guy honest doesn't always mean good and it is apart of my religion to boot.
Second reason if someone catches on to your lie and asks you or questions you about it you even have to lie to cover up a lie and so on so it grows and grows, that and most of me my lies my drink drugs is in my eyes.
If I drink anything alcoholic even if im not drunk my eyes seem more relaxed if I smoke weed but im not stoned my eyes go red if I lie my eye flickers a little and if im bob on honest I'll stair you straight in the eye and say with conviction in my voice.
I might be a terrible liar but im a damn good manipulator amongst other things so bare that in mind when crossing my path im no hero if you want a favour or my help I expect it in return not like a free cheapskate hero.
In my carnal natures I discover some of you want to be my slave ohh goody, wish I was at america with a few of you :P im sure id be like a kid in a candy shop my alter ego would run away me.
Can my evil and wicked side come out to play, pondering this fact tinkering around with dajavu in my half leathers.
Hmm maybe I should use my masters title see what I get to my advantage now the socks on the other foot :P
