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Devils_Blood666's Journal
Allison's Journal =]
I wanted to try to make this a daily thing, but it didnt really work out as well as i wanted it to. Now its more of a "notebook" if you will, filled with random rants and raves, with the occasional poetry. Hope you all enjoy.
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You Are Blinded
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November 30, 2008, 03:07:pm
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How can you say I'm dieing
When you don't know what I'm feeling
Deep on the inside
I'm not making myself numb
I'm letting myself live
You can't see that
Because you've been sheltered
Violent things have never happened to you
You don't know anything
About me
You think you do
But theres so much more
Than just this charming smile
On the inside
There are demons I'm fighting
Bigger than your life story
Scarier than the boogie man
Hiding under your bed at night
So fuck you babe
You don't control me
I control me
Mood: chillin
Music: Disturbed "psycho"
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Ive Been Thinking (SHIT!)
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November 26, 2008, 03:36:pm
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Ive been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things in my life and what not....
Damn.
I just now noticed that EVERY single girl that Ive dated has either A) cheated on me with a guy or B) left me for someone else. I mean what the fuck? Ask anyone that knows me, they know that I treat girls that I care about like gold, not because I want anything material from them, just to show them that I care about them, its just sorta my thing. I dont really know, you know? Ive never needed someone in my life, but I have to admit it makes life easier to deal with sometimes when you have someone who you know will be there that isnt your family and that that its not their obligation to care...
Life is going to e so different now that Chad had his baby girl (Cadence Marie, November 19,2008 7:11 p.m. 6 lbs. 8 onz.) I mean we arent just going to be able to chill like we used to, and Bretta is pregnant too. Shes due February 27 if I remember right. I mean those are two people I love more than I could ever explain. Im going to be the God Mother to Brettas baby girl (Evelyn Faye), which means Im gonna have to be there a lot more for her and the baby. I dont even feel like its my obligation or anything, dont get me wrong, I could have said no, but thats my girl, my sister. How could I? Im so excited though because shes so excited, I love seeing her glow, it makes my day =].
I wish I could take everyones pain away, I wish I could really make a difference in peoples lives. I dont care if Im hurting, but it just KILLS me to know that someone I love, and cherish is hurting. Yet another one of my faults, I care about the human race too much for my own good. Even though people hurt me more than I could explain I still want to help make them NOT hurt. Any other person would just say "fuck you, help yourself". Im too nice, and thats what gets me hurt most.... I dont want to have to be mean, because that would mean that I would turn into someone Im not, that would make me fake, and I HATE fakes. As much as I hate people, as much as I despise them, I still try and help.
Lately, Ive felt so alone, so cold inside. The urge to hurt myself has grown but I refuse to give into something I promised I would never touch again, but I almost feel like I need it, maybe it would snap me back to reality, smack me in the face so to speak. But it could also go terribly wrong, I could slip back into old habits, and that would just royally screw everything up for me. I would be back to square one, and that would SUCK. Because Ive worked so hard to get to where Im at now, with very little help if I might add. Basically all by myself, most people would have either killed themselves by now or would have permanetly been in a mental institution.
Theres just been way too much for me to think about lately, and just not enough time for me to process it all. *sigh*
Its okay though, Ive always been the rock everyone leans on and I will be, but I pray that I dont break, because then everyone else would break too....eeep. =/
-XoXoX-
Allison Michelle
Mood: lost, very lost.....
Music: "You Wanna Piece Of Me?" Brit Spears =/
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Happy Day/Fucked Up Day....Note To Self- MORE POT
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November 16, 2008, 11:00:pm
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So today I found out some things that....
A) made me so happy I almost burst with joy
and
B) Made me feel so hurt.....I just wanna cry.
..........
A) I hung out with Bretta today, she keeps telling me she misses me so much, and how much I mean to her, its so sweet, how much she really cares about me as her friend, and as a person. We were hanging out at her and Kody's new apartment, and Kody asked me if I can figure out what 1/3 of 560 was, I could come live with them. So....I figured it out, and I'm gonna save up and if I'm not out of my grandparents house by my birthday, I'm going to live with them and the baby. =]
On top of that...Bretta told me that I'm going to be the baby's GOD MOTHER!!!!! O-M-G! I'm so excitd about this, I love Bretta and the baby SOOO much, YAY!
=]
B) Nikita called me today.... She asked about how life was here, and I told her good, then she tells me that she has a new girlfriend so I was like cool who??
It's fucking Steph.
I knew that would fucking happen, I don't know why I'm so pissed off about it, but it just DOES! I feel bad though because when she told me that I hung up on her...then she tried to call me back and I hung up in her again.
I didn't want to talk to her, it makes my heart break too much....
I don't want to hear about Steph and what they do to and with eachother....I don't need that kind of unstable shit on me. I have my own to worry about. Fuck that. Fuck You. I'm done.
-XOXOX-
Allison
Mood: happy/pissed (wierd I know)
Music: nothing but Nick's breathing (annoying) lmao
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November 14, 2008, 02:45:pm
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SOOOO
Life is fucking amazing. I havent said that in FOREVER, and it feels good.
I forgot how much I like getting high, I didn't do it for such a long time bcause of Nikita, but I have a new girl who doesn't really care as long as I'm safe she says, I can do what I want. Tight right? I sure think so. =] I was just so pissed all I thought about was smoking a bowl and when I did....BAM! It hit me, the pure happiness, the no worries sensation, that plus me being actually happy was unexplainable. *sigh*
I now have Fridays and Saturdays off. YAY
I work Turesdays 3-9
Wednesdays 3-8
Sundays 11-7
Thats the greatest schedule I could ask for. I <3 my manager Tamie, shes the shit. XOXOX
Even though I stayed home from school Im prolly going out anyways, whats Dad gonna do? Stop me? HAHAHA Yeah he fuck right. I'll just tell him to go fuck himself up the ass and that I'm leaving anyways....LMAO That way I'd have a reason to leave, because he was being a dick. *stands triumphantly*
I got to see Gabriel yesterday night for about 45 minutes....the greatest 45 minutes of my night. Hehe. =]
My therapist said theres no way I could meet her parents and them NOT know we're together, apparently I'm too obvious, and I even said I wasn't going to put my hands on her...lmao Whatever, I'm going to eventually because she already met mine. I'll be EXTRA good, promise.
Blah, Nikita.....
God, theres not really words I can use to describe the situation between us right now. I know she didn't mean to intentionally hurt me, but I CAN NOT go back to her, I mean what I say almost all of the time, and I meant what I said about if we broke up again that I was done. I'm not trying to pin anything on anyone, and I know thats shes really upset about this whole thing. Theres two parts of myself fighting against eachother....one tells me to just keep her out of my life completely, and the other tells me to keep her in my life. I'm gonna go with the other one because despte everything thats happened, we've been through a lot together, and I still care about her dearly. I'm sorry things had to turn out this way, but I think is was for the better that they did....*sigh*
Well I gotta shower, and do laundry, and chores so PEACE.
-XOXOX-
Allison
Mood: happy (wow I know right?)
Music: Ten Thousand Fists "disturbed"
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November 10, 2008, 05:14:pm
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So what is there to say?
Life has been very...spiratic (sp?) lately. Ever since Nikita broke up with me thats how evreythings been.
I got my job back with the hours I want so thats good.
I started talking to this girl a few days after Niki and I split up, her name is Gabriel (she likes Gabe better but whatever lol), she came over Saturday. I didnt plan on us sleeping together, I just wanted to hang out and get to know her better.....well we sorta did both...
I probably should feel bad, but I don't. I don't feel much anymore, I've become pleasently numb on the inside. I've become a zombie, I don't even know myself at this point. But whatever. I'm not lieing to anyone about it, or anything, so thats good.
I do like Gabriel though. Funny thing is, is that we didn't officially start going out until after we had (utterly AMAZING, mind blowing) sex. I remember looking at the clock and it read 12:24 a.m. on 11/09/2008. The irony in the date is that the nineth was supposed to be Nikita and I 7th month.
Speaking of Nikita, I woke up this morning and had FIVE voicemails in about twenty minutes, they were all from her mind you. It jut pisses me off what she said in ALL of them.
She was talking about how much she loves me, how much she misses me, like I was the one who left. Shes the one who decided to end this, not me. This isn't my fault, so stop acting lke I should take you back. I told you when we boke up over what you did with Steph that if we break up again, I'm done, and I said I meant it, and I do. I mean, I'm not trying to hurt you, and I'll never intentionally try to hurt you.
FUCK
Whatever. Niki if you read this call me, we NEED to talk.
Mood: FUCKN PISSED
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