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The Random Rantings and Ramblings of a Madman
DestructiveDelirium's Journal
The Random Rantings of Me.
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Delirious Thoughts
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February 11, 2010, 06:40:am
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I clearly don't update this journal often enough. But I guess since only one or two people will read it, that gives me good reason to not update much.
Emotions are a fucker, aren't they? I'm sure that's an understatment. I'm begining to wonder if I have abit of a "problem" with my anger issues. It's very possible. Seeing as I already have depression, and things like Bi-polar are closely linked. (Fucking leg muscle, stop twitching...) I don't know if it's just me noticing this but seems like my amount of random anger has increased. Unsure why, could be many reasons as to why. Many aspects of my life have dramatically changed over the past few months. So who knows if any of those changes could be some form of factor towards this increase in rage. I've always had an odd connection between my rage and depression (one often turning into the other in short amounts of time) but I've never really payed much attention to it. Not untill lastnight. I went from raging (throwing and breaking my tv remote at one point) to almost in tears in a matter of a minute. Then back to rage and then back down to depression yet again. I'm relativly cooling down now after I took awhile to just look at my Lego collection. No matter what my Lego seems to calm me down over almost any issue. Reminds me of a simpler time. When all I cared about was a galaxy far far away. Where I didn't have daily problems plaging me constantly. I know I'm not alone at saying our childhood was definatly "the good old days" Though I would rather be the person I am now. I miss not having to worry about things like money, work, relationships between people in your life, school, the world in general. Almost baffles me to try and believe there was once a time where none of those things mattered to me. All that I cared about was creating my own universe and story within my own mind.
It's abit less related, but I wanted to talk about something else that takes my mind off of all troubles in my life. Her name is Palmer. Honestly I can't believe I ever lived without this girl 0.0 She completes me, without a doubt. I wish I could say these things in person, but I know she knows that I care deep down, even when I am terrible with coming up with the words to express my feelings. Not even sure where to start with how much she means to me. Words can't really describe it really. She just completes me, like I said already. I have never met someone who seems to click so perfectly (that it's almost creepy..but in a good way) I've never been the kind of person who has have had luck in the love department and was believing more and more that it was impossible to find. She changed that. As cliche as it sounds, I believe it is possible to find someone who matches me perfectly. I love you, Palmer :] And thank you for everything you have done for me, whether you realise you have helped me or not.
Mood: Calming down
Music: Ayria
Props: 3
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Mind Fuck
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November 03, 2009, 06:47:am
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"If you love something, let it go..."
Sometimes I hate emotions. In peticular the ones of "love" (some degree of love atleast) I thought that after so long of searching I actually found someone who could care for me, and I could care for back. But of course, nothing works out that easily. My feelings had to change, or atleast I think they have. They feel like a blur right now. I don't know what'swhat. And how I feel about anything currently. Whether this is temporary or I have actually lost those 'feelings' towards said person, I don't know. I wish I did know. And of course to make everything even more FUN, add in feelings towards someone else. Can you even develope feelings towards someone your really close to, but never have met in person? If so then I guess I got em. Logically, the 'new' person makes much more logical sense to try and be with. Much more similar to my fucked up personality, and i can talk for...literally hours on end without much of a stop. But with the other one, I don't want to be the heartbreaker. I've worked myself into one lovely little situation, eh? Why is it always me that has to do the 'ending' of relationships and whatnot? Some people may argue saying that its worse to be on the side of the one being broken up with. But I think its almost just as worse to be on the breaking side. The amount of guilt brought with it, and the other personal generaly hates you afterwards, is enough to drive a man to tears.
*face+desk*
Time's like this I wish I didn't care for anyone... -___-
Mood: Read the above paragraph...
Music: Dead and Divine
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Back?
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October 25, 2009, 06:20:pm
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Hmm, it's been a good few months since I've done relativly anything on VF. Felt like stopping by, updating my profile, add a few pictures, change around some music on the playlist. And I guess add on this journal, even though I'm sure No one is going to really read it. Most of my friends on VF have moved on from here to other places.
So how long will this return be for? Who knows..depends if I find something to keep me here again, or if I just drift away again.
Anyways, that is all.
Mood: meh
Music: Bury Your Dead
Props: 3
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Disassociative
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July 25, 2009, 02:19:pm
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Funny how some people seem to fit in so perfectly into this world.
When others do not...
Mood: Disassociative
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Alone
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July 07, 2009, 12:15:am
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Why does it seem like I am so different from everyone else? Mentally, I'm speaking of. I have yet to meet anyone who can understand what I talk about when I try to open up about my views on the world and reality and whatnot. They all look at me like im some psycho. Maybe I am? Society has a way of demonizing anyone who doesn't think the same way as everyone else. Labeling them insane, or mentally unwell. I don't think I am mentally unwell. And no doctor could tell me otherwise. Some people ever get angry at me because of how I see things, or because I can't see things through their eyes. I'm sorry I'm not like you. I'm sorry I don't fit into your little world. It feels like to me that I was born into a world that I was not meant to be apart of. It would make some sense as to why nothing in this one makes sense to me. Or maybe I'm just suppost to be some crazed loner who lives alone and never speaks to anyone because society has deemed him not proper. I'm tired of trying to explain my way of thinking to other people. I never have done it to try to force my beliefs, but just to let them know that I dont agree with them, and this is why. But that apperantly forces hostility from them.
Again, maybe I am crazy. maybe I do belong in a hospital, popping pill after pill. But maybe I don't. In this day of age, it's not my say anyways.
Mood: isolated, alone, alienated, different
Music: Right Where It Belongs - NIN
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