Turns out I got bored tonight and put together a new VF account. This won't really make me any more active but it was something to do. Should I start popping up on VF again I'll probably access this new one instead. Add me if ya' like.
Life SUCKS right now and I've been driving myself crazy trying to improve it. A series of ongoing recent events involving social networking is only making things that much more discouraging. Therefor, I'm bugging out of this site. Too many things on here remind me of something that is very important to me that was stolen away. I have a long and difficult road in front of me just to get a shot at getting it back and I can't guarantee exactly what's going to happen. Honestly, I'm getting sick of this or that bothering me. I'm sick of things I can't control but want so badly to change. I guess I still aim to do that but I can't deal with this any longer. Nothing against anyone... but this is the last time you'll probably hear from me for a long time. It's not that I don't care about anyone, I'm just utterly fed up with painful information or reminders of things I can't enjoy anymore. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen after this but all I know is, if I even want a shot getting what I want out of life I can't afford any more discouragement right now. I'm already close to doing something rash just because it's affected me so much. I just can't be around here anymore. I'm not sure whether to just stay OFF this site for a long time or remove my account altogether. In either case, I won't be around.
If anyone wants to remain in contact with me I'm confident you'll find some way. Don't try to add me on Facebook though because I already deactivated my account on there too.
I realized something this morning... I've been spending so much time worrying about things I can't control I nearly forgot who I was. Honestly, I need to make an effort on NOT giving a damn so much. I still have a goal, the same one, I don't know if I'll ever get there... but that's the beneficial thing about "Do it or die trying". That way, if you should fail, you'll be too dead to care about it. Right now I need to focus more on the fact that I'm mad as hell. I'm sick of being depressed and letting every other cocksuckin' piece of shit affect who I really am. I realized that I am just VERY pissed-off... so I'm either going to force things to change quickly or you will probably never hear from me again. lol Can't beat that folks.
I'm beginning to believe the cure for my ongoing mental vexations lays within self-discipline. As long as my ultimate goal is still attainable I should never allow myself to overthink. Sometimes I feel as if I can not help it but in moments like that I should make it habitual to reassure myself with the positive knowledge I've attained on this particular topic. Perhaps it's simpler than I've been allowing myself to realize. I should focus more on what I can enjoy, rather than remaining disappointed on certain thing that I may RATHER have but cannot. The source still exists, therefor they're sure to come back around at some point. I think I may just have to stop caring so much or at least focus on something else when I become doubtful. I should reassure myself before I think I'm losing the thing I'm striving for. As long as I know it's still there I have no reason to worry. Things I've been told over and over that are only now sinking in. Honestly, it makes me feel bad to have made such an issue out of the images of doubt and infidelity that often come into my head. They're subsiding quicker though, now that I am becoming more confident in the mutuality between me and my lover. I've known it all along... yet I kept falling victim to personal demons. Not anymore... there's no real reason to fret right now. I should focus more on other things and getting things in line for myself (though to ultimately attain my romantic goal). It's time to put more effort into things that will use excess negative energy to productive use. In short, "You have nothing to worry about."
I've also started working out. Hit the bench and then some with an old friend today. Holy crap... that felt awesome.
Quality is not exactly pro. I need to clean this up a lot and do some serious dampening as well as adjust certain levels. I am very satisfied with the composition though, especially for what a pain in the ass it is to put together ANYTHING on this computer right now. Anyway... here's something to listen to. Enjoy.
