Hey everyone! The few of you that pay attention to my journal!
I'm trying to get my youtube channel a bit more recognition so if you're ever bored you should go give it a look see and if you really wanna go the extra mile, share with your friends! Thanks!
So this weekend Frank got back in contact with me. It was very random and surprising but he did none the less and now wants to meet up tomorrow afternoon. I'm really not sure what's going to come of it yet at this point. But I am hoping for the best. It can really go one of three ways. We could meet up, chat and have things remain exactly how they are now but at least then we've talked. We could meet up, chat and have things go well and become good friends like we were before we started dating. Or we could meet up, chat and have things go REALLY well and give a relationship another shot.
So each scenario has its own benefits, some are better than others though. But I guess I just have to wait and see what comes of our meeting tomorrow. I hope things can get sorted out.
"I don't know what I want anymore" seems to be a very common statement for me to say in the past few years. But within these past few months it has never been so true in my entire life. So much bullshit has been going on recently, that I've now been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
August was by far the worst month I've had in years. First, I get fired from a very good, stress free and well paying job, several days later my best friend of 10 years moves across the country, literally 2 days after that a very good friend of mine, Jenn Proulx, dies of a heroin overdose, week after that I have to go to the wake, day after that was the funeral, week later a friend gets stabbed in the face (lived, but was stabbed none the less), my mom began drinking more, got news of my 20 year old sister being pregnant and the baby is due the day before my birthday and I went through quite possibly the most painful break up I've ever gone through.
After 2 years of being single, I got asked out by the last guy on the planet I'd ever expect to date. Not because I never thought I'd see him that way but rather the complete other way around. His name is Frank, and he's a very well known face around Ottawa. Mostly in the Ottawa Punk scene. He's just one of those well known and very likable people. I had always known of him but didn't meet him until this past new years eve. We connected quite quickly that night, but he also had a girlfriend at the time that he'd been with for over a year. They split not long after him and I met and I ended up being the only one to help him through that break up.
We got closer as the months went on but we didn't reconnect in person until Jenn's wake. I knew every single last person at the wake and yet I was left standing in the middle of the room crying by myself... Until Frank showed up, he was the only one that hugged me and gave me a shoulder to cry on. Same thing with the funeral the very next day.
Frank and I only dated for 10 days, he asked me out a week after Jenn's funeral. But in those days I was actually happy, for the first time in a very long long time. It sounds absurd to most, but had he asked me to marry him, I'd have said yes. If not, given it some serious serious thought. But in the end it was nothing that I did wrong, and wasn't that he didn't care for me anymore. He simply wasn't ready for a relationship at the time, the idea of being in one made him uneasy.
It completely shattered me on the inside when he broke things off, I've only just been able to stop crying over it. We talked about it a bit a few weeks after the break up but I just ended up pushing him away even more. Now he doesn't even want to talk to me. In mid october him and I both ended up at the annual Ottawa Zombie walk. He seemed to make it a point to walk RIGHT by me multiple times and when we got to the ending destination of the walk it seemed as though he was staring at me for a short period of time. He made no effort to talk to me, and yet he still has me on MSN. And I really want to know why if he truly does have no intentions of talking to me again, cause if he doesn't then there's no reason for him to keep me on MSN.. but he does and we're both on almost every single night. About a week after the zombie walk I messaged him on MSN, didn't say anything about the past in any way. All I said was "Hey, I have a question"... he never responded.
I've tried talking to so many friends about it but none of them can seem to make heads or tails of it. This past saturday I was at my friend Kayti's house (dorkybubbleshorts), I hadn't seen her in a while and she asked me what happened between Frank and I. After explaining the events of the zombie walk she said something that I really didn't want to hear only because I have no idea how much truth there is behind it, and whether or not she was just saying it to make me feel better. She said "Oh my god, he's being so stupid.. He can't seem to admit to himself that he still has feelings for you". A big part of me wants that to be true, but I know it isn't. And even then, I honestly just want him back in my life as a friend. If he were to ask me for a second chance, I wouldn't be completely opposed to it. But if he doesn't want a relationship right now with anyone, I can't expect anything more from him than a friendship.
All of this, on top of everything else that's been stressing me out and upsetting me has caused me to become so.. angry all the fucking time. I hate it.
and if you really wanna go the extra mile, share with your friends! Thanks!
