All I can think about is you lately. Why does this have to be so hard? I ignored it for what seemed like forever, but now, no matter where I go, no matter what I do, you still haunt me. You took advantage of me, you called me horrible things, broke promises, hell, I lost most of my possessions because of the things you've done. Yet, no matter how many bad things you've done to me, I still want you. My heart still longs for you. I can't take knowing that you could get over me so quickly, and that you hate me because you can't accept that you were wrong. As much as I hate myself for it, I still love you, and no matter how hard I try, it seems like I can't get over you. Mood: Depressed
I just feel completely alone. I have been so depressed the past few days, but I haven't told anyone. I feel, even when I am with my girlfriend, that I am alone. I just wish I could break free of it all. Wish that I could focus on anything. Wish that I had someone to talk to.
I have been attempting to talk to new people, and finding that it is making me horribly anxious. I don't understand why, especially since it's over the internet. I just want to make new friends. If anyone is reading this, feel free to add me or message me.
It is a question men have pondered since the beginning of time. It also happens to be a question I struggle with daily. I happen to be a very intellectual person, and tend to look at most things logically and not depend on faith. The very idea of faith is confusing to me. I don't understand how someone can make a decision that isn't based on any factual information, or with no sense of evidence to support such a decision. I try to have faith in things, I honestly do, but I can't really see any further than my nose. Because I am autistic, I have an abstract way of doing things, but also, my mind is "programmed" to think in what I can see and understand, and the things that can be explained. (If there are those with autism who don't think that way, I apologize, but that's just the way it affects me.)
Now, the issue with life for me, is that in the end, why does life matter if we all just die? I know this seems to be a rather bleak and morbid outlook to have, but if we look at things LOGICALLY, it's true. We live our entire lives, with whatever happiness, success, failure, and sadness may come, but it all leads up to death. The question I have is, why should any of it matter? If all we are going to do is die, what makes any of that happiness, or anything that happens in life, matter? This is in no way a declaration of my will to die, or anything even remotely like that. I am actually ok with living. I just have far too many questions, and I'm not ok with not knowing something that is so personal to me (the meaning of my own life). It makes me feel like an ignorant little child who needs to be babied, and comforted, and I hate feeling so low.
I just wish I could make sense of things, and make peace with everything. Mood: Depressed beyond belief Music: Coheed and Cambria - The Willing Well III: The Telling Truth
