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ChildOfFilth's Journal
Welcome To The Machine
Welcome to the machine of life.
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A splinter in the minds eye...
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November 11, 2008, 12:03:am
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What the fuck is wrong with me...I used to just be able to pick myself up...and carry on...stomping things underneath my heels. Why do my mind and heart have to constantly fucking clash? On one side...I want to be the most salacious bastard I can possibly be. On the other, I'm incapable because I don't want to be that person. So many things I want to say, and for once, I'm devoid of the words to express things. My mind feels like an asteroid field, each word or idea, colliding with another to mess it up. I feel so lost and incapable of feeling, yet at the same time, feeling so much...feeling so much I shouldn't feel...or maybe I should. I just don't know. Half the time I'd love to wish all of my humanity away...just so feeling wouldn't be a fore or after thought. And the other half of the time...I can't bear to let go of it, not only out of fear of what I might turn into, but because of love. The one thing that seems to elude me in all this world. The one thing I've tried so hard to find...It seems as though I'm not meant for it, or it's not meant for me. One of the two, really. Every time I have it, it's just taken away again. And I know that somewhere out there, someone is laughing maniacally at my misfortune, unwilling to bring their misgivings about me to the forefront and face me. This splinter...in my minds eye...is no blessing as most people would tell me it is, it's the most terrible curse to be known by a man. It seems as though, in life, I'm meant to help everyone else...and hold no hope for myself, or my own future.
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Yeah...
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October 24, 2008, 08:00:am
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Apparently, even with all my past experiences with what I'm dealing with right now, I still can't properly cope. I'm getting angry, infuriated even, I can't let go, I don't want to. But, I know I'm being forced to. Being forced to let go of someone I love. I want to scream, cry, tear something to pieces. But I have to keep all of this bottled up, because noone would survive it. Not a single soul. When people wonder what it's like to be me...well, this is it. Capturing all emotion in my mind and holding it in...waiting for the eventual eruption that might happen someday. I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm bruised, I'm overworked, I'm lonely, and I'm heartbroken. I'll leave the anger out of it for the moment...but right now, I would love nothing more than to use everything I learned in the military, and tear someone apart, piece by piece.
Mood: Shit
Music: Nothing
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A naaaaaaice weekend...
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October 05, 2008, 10:23:pm
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So, after a week or so of me trying my hardest to push my mind through the past, I managed to do it, not so much a matter of trudging through it in the boots I like to think I wear, but more like just trummeling over it with tank treads, in a more honest opinion. This weekend was grand, filled with cuddling, and cuteness. Went to Devan to her pirate photoshoot and had a buncha fun... Even though I mostly just wanted to be alone with her, it wasn't so bad, dealing with other people and all...because at this point, I'm just about allergic to other people being involved in our lives, excluding family and such. Terrific cuddling during the night with movies...it was just sweet....felt like old times, times that I adore so so so much. And this morning, just staying in bed as long as possible...it was just what I needed. I'd try to put more into this, but right now I'm fighting a headache, so I'll just leave it at this. I love you Devan.
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Yeah....this says this...
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September 22, 2008, 09:06:pm
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Beh?
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September 04, 2008, 10:47:pm
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Hope...it fades a little more, day by day, thought by thought, act by act. How much suffering does one person have to take until life lifts itself up for them? How long do they have to remain not in control of their own life? How many times does their past need to be dug up and shoved in their face? How many good intentions need to seem impossible? How many ugly images have to pass through their mind before they slip into pure unadulterated madness? How many times do you have to let down the people you care about the most, just because of what has and is being given to you in the grand scheme of life? How many promises do you have to break, that break your heart? How many times do you have to watch hope die every time you close your eyes?
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