Why are bosses so damn difficult? They're rude, they ask WAY too much of you and bitch and whine when you're too exhausted to do the zillion and one things they want you to. WELL DUDE YOU come do MY job for a whole two weeks and tell me you're satisfied with the demands you're faced with!
Fuck you, self-esteem. I'm a badass bitch with a bangin' body.
I've had a lot of issues with my self-esteem lately, and I finally figured out why. My (ex)boyfriend was totally bringing me down. He wasn't treating me well at all. No communication unless I initiate it, no affection cause I haven't seen him in the longest time. I got tired of waiting around so I left his ass.
I spent Saturday drinkin' and gaming. I spent yesterday with this guy I like Let's just say, Josh who?
Special thanks to MissOrganGrinder and my wifey. Thanks for kicking my ass where necessary.
Warning: this is going to be an emo rant; don't bitch at me, I don't need people on my ass when I already feel like shit.
I don't get it, and it's made me so angry, I'm crying. I'm not good at any of the arts OR sciences. I've got no talents, no special traits, nothing that makes me special. I hate that. I hate myself, because I'm not pretty enough, not cool enough, not nice enough, not anything enough. I'm your typical borderline-obese black girl, with nothing in her damn future.
Why the fuck couldn't I just have one thing to call my own, one goddamn thing I could have and hold, be proud of? One thing that makes me feel happy indefinitely, that no one could take from me?
Life's hard, I get it. I'm lucky to have the essentials, I know. But I'm ungrateful, just add to the goddamn list of things I shouldn't be that I am.
I'm tired of bitches trying to bullshit me; saying they get it. Dude, you don't. YOU'VE got a talent, something you're good at! What the fuck do I have? Nothing of the sort.
Well, it looks like I'm crippled. I'm not sure how it happened, or what triggered this, but I can't walk. My right foot is twice the size of the left. There's severe pain when I put the tiniest bit of weight on it. I've fallen over so many times today.. I feel shitty because I had to call in sick to work for tomorrow. I've let my coworkers down, and I feel crappy doing it. I missed kickboxing tonight because of this bullshit injury. My mom looked so disappointed when I said I really couldn't do it tonight. She looked even more sad when I tried to walk.
My sister is concerned, and trying to help me with things; but I feel like a burden.. They're doing all this extra work because they care and I can't do it myself; but I want to pull my weight and do my chores... I feel like I've let so many people down..
It really sucks to realize so many negative things at once.
- the one woman who understands me well enough to know how to comfort me, be there for me, and take care of me emotionally lives in the states. Her name is Erin, and I'd give anything to have her here as my next door neighbour (I'd never yell at her for mowing her lawn after 5pm )
- I'm a really mean girl.
- I'm not nice, and I expect too much of everyone I know.
- I flip when people let me down, completely ignorant of their side of things.
- I hate my sister; and I shouldn't hate my own kin, when they didn't do anything but cast a huge shadow and be the favourite of our parents...
I've come to realize that underneath my exterior, I'm not even happy. I'm just really sad, hurt and lonely. I wish people saw through it, and just gave me the support I need. But if life were like that, I wouldn't need a visa card.
I have a lot of self-confidence issues, and I feel like I need to change. Another side of me wants to stay in the same skin I'm in forever, and rages within screaming "IT'S NOT ME IT'S YOU!". We all know how irrational that is, and above all, how false that is.
I still feel like my family doesn't love me. I've felt this way since I was about four years old. My dad consistently abused me in different ways since I can remember. My mother has always shown excessive love to my sister; but I feel like there hasn't been much for me. That's why I hate my sister; she had everything.. No matter how much I outdid her, I'd never get more than a "good job".
I remember when I graduated elementary school. My parents took me to Red Lobster. It would be nice; if I wasn't allergic to all seafood.. But THEY wanted to go, so we went..
I guess I just feel like no one is ever going to like me the way I am, or love me for who I am. It hurts me.
I need support, but I'm always afraid to ask.
Anyway, I just want my wifey to know how much I appreciate what she does for me, and that I will come to see her within the next two years. I promise.
)