... I don't really know why I bother writing a journal. I can't even stand to read what I've wrote. I feel like I'm a reading the diary of some teen fan girl whose waiting for her "Prince Charming" or by todays standards "Edward Cullen" apparently. Like I'm waiting for that magical someone who will ... fix me.
Truth is, that's not gonna happen, I know that. I've always known that ... doesn't mean I stopped telling myself otherwise. I just don't know what else to do but sit around and wait. Not saying that I'm one of those people who focus' all about love. I try to make my own life better. I try to keep a job and I dream to go back to school and be completely independant. It's just ... there's nothing wrong with coming home to someone who makes me feel ... normal (or at least tell me that its ok that I'm a nutcase).
I'm not the sweet innocent girl that you read about in all these young adult, romantic, over dramatic, novels. I'm not even the damaged goods type. I'm just damaged. I get so eager for my fairy tale to start ... I've been so far from reality for so long, I don't even know what it is anymore. I'm just so tired of being alone. I miss that feeling ... the feeling of ... when just the thought of that someone who makes me feel like I'll never need anything else. I'd give up any addiction, any drug, any alcohol, shelter, piece of food, all my breaths, anything ... just to feel that way again.
I see all these people, real people, people my age, getting married and having kids already. I mean who knows how long it'll least but at least they have it (or at least think they have it). Here's the part where I say it's not fair, But who am I to say that its not fair for them to have that happiness when all I get is this overwhelming depression. What gives me the right to think that I deserve anything more then the heartache I've been given. They were probably a lot better human being then I could ever be.
Truth is, (I've never admitted this, and I probably never will again) I like who I am. I love background and who I am. I don't like where my life is. I don't like that I don't see a future for myself at all. However, I'm glad about how I turned out and I'm proud to say that I've grown up to be just like my mother and father. I just want someone who will love me too. Some one who will make sense of my mess, make me feel like there is one person made jsut for me. My own personal Utopia, wrapped up in a walking, talking, human-shaped box ... Just waiting for delivery. Mood: Hopeless
If you know me at all (which maybe one or two of the people on here do), you've probably heard me repeat this phrase many times. ALL men are assholes and ALL girls are crazy. I don't bring it up because I'm pissed and I'm trying to express my anger (a computer is not gonna do shit for calming me down). I mostly bring it up as a conversation starter since I suck at socilizing now (SUPRISE SUPRISE!!!). The other reason I bring it up is because Im genuinely curious at to why? Why are guys ALWAYS assholes in some way just as girls are crazy about something? Why can't we turn things around for once? Why cant guys freak out about the little things and think that theres always a hidden message behind everything they're told? And girls, why can't we stop giving a shit and anything and everything?
I want to see what that would be like. Any thoughts?
Ok, I don't know if anyone else has noticed that I don't Journal often but I'm hoping that by posting this in the open some of my stress will go away, at least for a bit.
1. I'm 18 years old, I high school graduate, not attending college but really wanting to, I live with a friend instead of my parent, I dont have a car but saving for one (reason why I'm living with my friend), I've been working for almost 5 years now and my job history is really something to be ashamed of. I currently work across the street at Walmart and its the best job I've ever had. I love the people I work with, the pay, and even the hours. While I was hired on as temperary seasonal help for the holiday I was told that I MAY get to stay on after the holiday season (no promises) like most companies do. I really care about this job and would give anything to keep it, but apparently my speed at which I get my tasks done is being considered too slow. I've taken every manangers advice on how to speed up but according to them its not enough. I know I'm not the slowest stocker there but if they think I need improvement then I want to do so to keep this job. The thing is, they keep moving me around to different departments (that I still havent learned) to stock to see which department I would fit in better with. I don't care where they move me I just want to show them that I can do my job and do it well. They have talked to me many times about this problem and even told me that this is my last chance, lets just say if I get another talking about it, it won't be good and I may get fired. They don't know what else to say to me to help and I don't know what else I can do to help other then try to set a better pace. I've been thinking about (next time I go to work) talking to my managers about something that may help. I remember once when a manager came to help me finish stocking cosmetics, working next to her I was able to set my speed to hers and even tried to work faster then her. I think it would help if we use this technique again, have me work next to someone else (exspecially in new areas) so I can work on setting a faster pace. At least for a week or two till we see improvement. But I'm not exactly sure how to present this plan to my managers and express my full concern about this without making things worse. Any advice please?
2. Theres this guy (sounds so cliche to start it off like that) he lives two states away and we've never met. We've been talking almost evereyday for 2 years and I really love him as a person. I know that probably doesn't sound like it means much considering the situation. I tell him everything and feel closer to him then if he were laying here next to me. Even when he went to basic training (which he got discharged from when he broke his hand), I wrote him everyday. Part of the problem is that I still question him sometimes. We have had a major falling out in which I wasn't sure we would recover from. Something was upsetting him and I was the one he took it out on for some reason, bad timing for him too since I was failing at quitting a drug addiction and the guy I was living with didn't make matters any better. Now a days, we still talk almost every day again, we still tell each other that we love each other (which I question), and I still tell him everything. But now theres another guy... Guy #2 I met him when I started working at Walmart, yes we work together and I realize how risky that makes this. He's just as quiet as I am so at first we didn't really talk to each other even though we hang out with the same people at work. Part of why I'm so attracted to him is because he reminds me sooo much of my ex they could be doppelgangers. I was going to remain quiet about my crush until the people at work that I hang with (3 guys) found out and offered to set us up. I told them to leave it since I didn't think he was gonna like me that much. However, one of the guys didn't get the memo and discretely told him, which actually did help. Turns out the guy I like is interested too and things have been going really well. Now we talk everyday, see eachother most days, and even hang out just the two of us. We've even kept it personal and have been leaving work out of it. I really like him but because he reminds me of my ex I'm scared. My ex ended up getting bored with me while we were living together. We shared the same bed but barely talked. I gave him space that I think everyone is entitled to but tried to let him know that I still wanted to work things out. I've moved out now (for this job) and he told me that he still wants to be friends but we still never talk anymore. He thinks I'm creepy (exspecially when I'm drunk) and we both know I'm crazy (part of being a girl). However, now I'm afraid of the guy I work with thinking that too (which he claims he doesn't). I say that him and my ex are so much alike its scary but the difference is that he is so much sweeter and he seems more genuine. Plus hes older so I think our maturity levels are about the same. We've managed to "bond" and not let things be awkward. I feel really good about this guy. Every time I think about last time we hung out I feel a tickle in my core (not ment in a dirt since). Contradiction :/ I've told guy #1 about guy #2 (left out the "bonding" part cause I was drunk and kept insisting that he wasnt taking advantage of me) but have told guy #2 about guy #1 yet. Guy #1 was pretty upset about this. He told me that "If we're going to have this romanitc thing between us I'm not going to be on the side." We've talked about why we're not dating and haven't dated, it's because I can't handle another long distance relationship but I know he's been trying to get money for a visit. I can't blame him for his side of this but I don't know if thats fair. I don't want to loose him but if he's not going to be here then I don't want to just put my life on hold for him. I don't want to mention guy #1 to guy #2 until I think guy #1 starts to become an interfereing problem. I mean I want to be the one to tell him but I don't want it to ruin things. Do you think its nessecary to tell him now or wait to tell him when it is nessecary? I want to persue guy #2 but I don't want guy #1 to be a problem. I want to remain friends with guy #1. Am I being unfair or just put myself in an unfair situation? What should I do? Am I a whore?
Result from the stress If I hadn't of seen my dad yesterday I would be on my 3rd consecutive day of consuming litereally 1 microwavable dinner, 1 bag of Doritos and a shit ton of taquila (I've had two days off of work).
