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Never enough
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January 04, 2012, 10:08:am
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I dont want to have my cake and eat it too...i would just like one of the option to be present XD i know i come off as a very whiney person. In all honesty, the reason i came back to this website after having been a member for years, quit for two years and then rejoined is to finally be able to feel like i can say what i am thinking and feeling without it coming back to bite me in the ass. With every friend i have had, any relationship, i cannot be completely honest. I rarely say how i really feel, i am always trying to be the happy smiley one that will be your shoulder to cry on and the kick in the ass you need..or the hug and back rub when you need it. But things are getting really hard and have been that way for far too long now.
I started college at NIU thi past fall. I came here on a full two year scholarship (minus room and board though), worked three jobs my first semester, landed a spot in a gay rights speakers bureau and a position on the debate team. After taking the number of classes i did, i am now in sophomore standing even though this is my first year at the university. Pretty damn spiffy i do say so myself...but here is the problem...well, the multitude of them. It is me we are talking about XD
I was the definition of overwhelemed! Working to pay off debts, finish seven classes worth of work, balance extra curricular and adjust to life living with my girlfriend. My gpa is average at best, my car broke down and after paying off the debts i owed i have no money to fix it, my passion for anything and everything that got me as far as it did is gone, my relationships with family is ruined, i have lost nearly all if not all of the friends i had, and as cheesey as it sounds- boy does my past haunt me!
Somewhere in it all i started to notice the me i knew was dissapearing. Where i used to be bold and strong i became compliant and meek. Where i used to be the ever positive optimist, i could no longer find reason to get out of bed in the morning. Where i used to crave any adventure, i began to fear what the morning light would bring. My passion for debate and public speaking died. I cant even muster up a day dream for gods sake! I used to dream of the future and stay up endless nights planning for my future and what i wanted to do and who i wanted to be. Now i would rather float in a limbo and not deal with anything.
There is a huge downside to being the tough one, as i am sure all of you have felt or are suffering through now. Everyone wants your comfort, everyone wants to be cheered up, everyone demands whatever they can out of you!...and you do it. Down to the last dot. It goes unnoticed, unappreciated. You get snapped at, yelled at, treated cruely but low and behold the second you are called on you get back up and do it all over again without blinking an eye. Not to mention, the tough one isnt allowed to crumble.
I feel like a saltine cracker sinking in a tub of ice cold water (it is winter after all!) i am losing myself daily. The kirsten that used to exist is dying away without a soul in the world to take notice. I am losing this fight against the world, against myself. At this point, i am too tired to even stand up and fight back. I never foresaw the word defeated to be the word that would describe me....but it does. Dear lord it certainly does.
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