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B-uTiFuL_DiSaStEr's Journal
Just me
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December 03, 2008, 09:56:pm
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This is so much Bullshit!!!!
I mean... ok, he broke up with me cause he met someone ONLINE and "distance" (2 hour drive)... and that itself completely broke my heart... cause, even tho we were together for not too long, he really helped me out with all my issues, he made me feel everything will be ok, and he even made me think I could get over SI and be happy....
then he started calling and texting me again and saying he misses me, and loves me and all... So I take the train for 2 hours to go see him just as friends and he tells me he's crazy about this FATASS UGLY BITCH who lives in NH!!!! He used "distance" as an excuse to leave me and now he is in love with someone 6 states away!? wtf!!!!!!
He said that even after breaking up he will be there for me always, and he was going to help me out with my issues still and that we were friends... I really really trusted him.. and even tho it still hurt to have him ONLY as a friend, I trusted he was there for me... He was there 3 weeks ago when that guy tried to rape me and ended up beating me up... I called him freaking out while walking downt the guetto DC streets at 3am and he picked up and helped me calm down (i couldnt even breathe cause i was in shock)... I thought he cared...
So today I said hi on AIM and he went offline, so I texted his phone like "hey just wanted to know how you're doing" and nothing... I call and nothing, so I got a lil worried... I texted him "im worried is something wrong?" and:
[6:16:16 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: y are you worried? just cause I don't wanna talk????? how much sense does that make
[6:16:32 PM] tarjis says: can i know why?
[6:16:40 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: cause I don't want to.
[6:16:48 PM] tarjis says: mad at me or something?
[6:17:24 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: I don't wanna talk, cause I don't wanna talk.
[6:17:29 PM] tarjis says: why are you being like this? something happened?
[6:17:42 PM] tarjis says: is it ME?? or just in general?
[6:17:43 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: no
[6:18:07 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: I just don't wanna talk anymore
[6:18:17 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: sounds harsh I know... but it's just my choice
[6:18:25 PM] tarjis says: i know and respect it
[6:18:44 PM] tarjis says: i just wished you at least let me know... and I would like to know the reason please
[6:19:08 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: I'm happy. I want it to stay that way.
[6:19:43 PM] tarjis says: so i made you unhappy this past weeks??? i mean...
[6:20:41 PM] tarjis says: did i do something?
[6:20:42 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: you didn't do anything wrong
[6:20:57 PM] tarjis says: i just make you unhapppy by being then
[6:20:58 PM] tarjis says: ?
[6:21:35 PM] Steven Pittman, Jr. says: no. just exhausting
*cries* he was the only person who gave me hope about stopping SI... and now... thats over... SI is the only thing that will NEVER leave me.!!!
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November 12, 2008, 02:59:am
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So, this is really unfair. Feeling this way I mean. Living an effing lie.
I have really tried to fight my dragons myself, I know no one will, no knight in shinning armor for me. My dragons are too big and fucked up to make me worth the fight.
So, after the last person I really cared about left me because of them, I decided I'll do it, I'd prove everyone that they're pussies cause even a princess can win a fight against them and oh well how wrong I was. How stupid I was not to see that I need them, and that if I try to ignore them of fight them all I am is miserable, all I do is miss them, and all i feel is pain.
See I am no one without them, i mean, whats a princess without dragons?! that doesn't make any sense right. and I raised those dragons as if they were my babies, i fed them and helped them grow and get stronger and stronger with time... they're no newbs any more, they're old, old enough to rebel, to hold me and promise to never let go, they're old enough to try and take control over my life, and now that i think about it they should.
In the end, they make me stronger, they have made me who I am, they have taught me the art of smiling when all i want is cry, the art of getting out of my way to make other happy when i dont even know what that word means, the art of loving when not feeling loved, the art of living when all i hope for is death.
My dragons, my little cristal cage, my lonelyness, my stone heart they're all main characters in this failed fairytale of mine. no knights, no prince, not even a fairy godmother oh no, not for this broken princess...
My dragons have fallen in love with my lonelyness... they live together through me and I have a feeling they're never going away. I can't fight them alone, I'm oficially giving up to the fight, and embracing life as it has been so far... until its over, and i can only hope the ending to this story is being written right now, i can only hope fate will do its part, i can only hope this story finds the ending I want, soon enough for it all to be worth it.
Mood: crying
Music: el tren de los momentos
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October 29, 2008, 03:07:am
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RELAPSED....
even after i promise.. but in the end, him leaving only meant one thing:
Recovery is bullshit, and its NOT for me!
i want to stay so bad.... they dont want to stay in the program.... fucking ungrateful!
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October 23, 2008, 02:38:am
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I need help! please... seriously this is going too far.... i cant even control my life anymore..... help me... what do i do!?
my serotonin level is negative right now.... i've never felt so low...
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October 22, 2008, 07:08:pm
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Im SINGLE.... again...
and yeah... im going out right now... I need to buy stuff, I threw all my SI stuff for this guy 2 days ago... and someone appeared yesterday in his life... now im all alone...
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