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Amber's Journal
My really useless thoughts on life.
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what the FUCK?!
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October 09, 2008, 11:13:pm
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This chick on my baby board just said that if you choose not to have your child circumsized that there is no special care when cleaning a new born's penis... That the skin doesn't retract until they are much older (into puberty). IS SHE INSANE?! My son's foreskin has been pulled back since the day he was born and is cleaned at every bathtime. When he was in diapers, I pulled it back and cleaned it at every diaper change... I didn't know I had to worry about this until the day I gave birth to him.. The nurse asked me if I had been pulling the skin on his penis back... I was like "WHAT SKIN?!" (I was VERY naive about male genitals, I guess!) and she proceeded to show me. Also, the pediatrician at his first appointment pulled it back to see if it functioned properly and showed me the proper way to care for an uncut penis.
Is this woman fucking stupid?!
Might I add, my son has NEVER had a diaper rash or infection in or around his penis... So, I know I am not insane.. I think this lady is on crack!!!
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I'm gone.
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October 06, 2008, 10:28:am
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Hopefully to have a baby.. Update you with the story when I get home.. With or without baby....
Mood: Sore.. Cranky..
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The Great Shlep
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October 05, 2008, 04:37:pm
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As you know, (or if you don't) I'm not voting for Barack Obama... But being from Florida, this is just hilarious... Watch..
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Best Parent Ever.
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October 04, 2008, 04:16:pm
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Giving Unwanted Advice
The Best Parent Ever is better than you, and insists on telling you this every chance they get. You are obviously not raising your child right, because there is no way you can have the seemingly-endless reservoir of knowledge the Best Parent Ever has stored up in just a few hours of "attachment parenting" classes. "You're feeding them THAT?" the Best Parent Ever says with a withering glance. "Don't tell me you put COW'S milk in that phthalate-laden sippy cup? And how many vaccines did you say you gave your child? Oh, and you actually BELIEVED the doctor?"
Everyone and everything is wrong, wrong, wrong, regardless of academic degrees, scientific expertise, or previous parenting experience. Only the Best Parent Ever knows how best to raise not just their child, but yours as well. Normally accustomed to politely withholding opinions on politics and religion, the Best Parent Ever jumps Frye Boots first on any opportunity to verbally bitch-slap those procreators failing to live up to their ever-shifting standards in terms of vaccines, diet, discipline, and respecting the inner child within the child.
Yes, the lesser parent understands that everyone is entitled to an opinion. But isn't that what in-laws are for? And isn't that why so many parents moved away from their in-laws in the first place? What is it about expelling the extra-natal contents of a swollen womb that suddenly compels otherwise normal people to proclaim their infallibility in all things parental?
Why, they're the Best Parent Ever! So take that, responsible lesser parent. The Best Parent Ever needs to inform you that they, and they alone, know how childhood is an almost constant deluge of emotional brimstone, threatening to turn their younglings into pillars of salt at the slightest glance at television, dairy products or pediatricians who actually practice medicine. So listen to them. Because we all know how unhealthy salt is, in pillar form or otherwise.
Circumcision
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they know EXACTLY what's best for their new son's penis, and will fight tooth and nail and foreskin for their right to make sure you do the same thing as them.
There are three topics that will start a barfight-style brawl in any Mommy & Me — breastfeeding, vaccinations, and circumcision. But unlike the solid science and even-more-solid quasi-science that frame the first two disputes, circumcision spats take on a much more personal form. Suddenly, the Best Parent Ever is concerned about the future sexual sensitivity of their infant's joystick, the aesthetic appeal of an uncut knob, and whether little Johnny's johnson looks the same as his dad's, as if they are trying to somehow avoid any ill-fated comparisons between father and son while, say, promenading buck-naked together through a Gymboree.
The strange thing is: this cock fight is driven almost exclusively by mothers. Fathers are primarily concerned with one thing regarding their son's penis: that it be big. Enormous, in fact. Their boys should be like a 1970s porn star (but without the mustache). Nothing else matters after that. As for mothers? They suddenly know more about what's best for the male anatomy than the average urologist, sex expert, and entire non-female species combined.
So take that, trouser snake! Your headgear is no longer determined by cultural, religious, or even medical customs, but rather The Best Parent Ever. And that means this decision is not for members only. It's for the whole world to hear about, just so they too can realize how much the Best Parent Ever is better than you.
Long haired children
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never cut their toddler’s hair. This is most noticeable amongst young boys (see above). Since when did all the Best Parents insist their male children run around playgrounds like miniature versions of long-forgotten heavy-metal stars and grunge bands? Hey, “Welcome to the Jungle Gym,” little pint-sized Axl Rose. That’s not “Teen Spirit” you’re smelling, tiny Kurt Cobain — it’s your dirty pull-up diaper! As for that three-foot high Eddie Vedder in the sandbox, he has one thing to say to you: “Don’t call me daughter.”
Whatever happened to haircuts? The Best Parent Ever loves defying convention whenever possible — especially when it makes their life easier. First haircuts can be traumatic for both child and Best Parent alike. Why bother with that hassle when the Best Parent Ever can just announce they have decided to “preserve my child’s birth hair,” which is just a fancy way of saying “I don’t want to hear my child scream at the local Snip-its.”
More importantly, though, the Best Parent Ever is hypoallergenic to all but the most fashionable and stylistic choices available. And let’s face it. Boy haircuts pretty much only come in two varieties: The Buzzcut or The Bowl. In a choice between The Blue Boy and The Dutch Boy, the Best Parent is going for the one with the long hair and culottes (that would be The Blue Boy, by the way).
So take that, rabble-rousing hair bands of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s! Your rock-n-roll, rebel hairstyles have been completely co-opted by a bunch of longhaired toddlers birthed by the Best Parent Ever. And that’s why the Best Parent Ever is better than you! Well, at least until that first lice check.
Overdressing at the Playground
There are two kinds of moms in the world: those who wear sweats in public, and the Best Parent Ever, who would never be caught outside the house in anything but full make-up, designer clothes, and heels.
Of course, some may admire the Best Parent’s effort to overcome the saggy-baggy doldrums of motherhood while on a simple kiddy-run to the playground. But is it really worth the effort of tottering perilously through the sandbox in heels like a drunken sailor? Or ducking spastically like a limbo-party reject beneath the metal loops of the jungle gym to preserve one’s freshly-styled coif?
Yes, of course it is. Because no matter how painful or clumsy it may appear, the Best Parent’s stylish get-up is specifically engineered to make all the other sweatpants-wearing parents nearby feel even more fat, ugly, and hopeless than they already feel. This once again proves that the Best Parent Ever is not only better than you, they are “hotter” too.
So take that, Old Mother Hubbard, with your dowdy get-up and practical childrearing fashions. The Best Parent Ever may not be able to sprint over in time to stop their cublings from careening headfirst off the curly climber, but at least they will look good, in a trashy, MILF kind of way.
Spanking
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they never, ever spank their children. Really. Honest. They never do.
But let’s face it: there’s only so much you can accomplish with a “Time Out.” When a child has almost killed himself or another sibling by running into the street, making them stand on the Naughty Step doesn’t really do it anymore, thank you very much, Super Nanny. There is a reason human children do not have exoskeletons covering their posteriors, like, say, a Dungeness Crab or a Trillobite. This is so they can be spanked when they are bad.
But don’t let the Best Parent Ever hear this. They are completely against what they call “corporal punishment,” a term that seems to imply giving little Cody a swat on the rear is the same as shipping him off to Tookie Williams’ old cell on death row. No doubt, there are unjustly abused children in the world. But there are even more unjustly abused parents, whose offspring are in need of a good whoopin’!
So take that, Fruit of the Loom dudes – and the buttocks you are protecting! You are no match for the Best Parent Ever when they let loose with a little power paddlin’. But really – they don’t believe in spanking. Ever. And for that, they deserve a Time Out.
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