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-Zaftig_Cherub-'s Journal
Decidedly Deflatable
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Farewell
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April 23, 2008, 10:59:pm
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i sometimes wonder if what i have done is wrong
if wanting to escape from music will just destroy who i am in myself
if all these piercings and pending tattoos will ensure my life isn't all it could be
If i should still be with chris, purely because i don't deserve to feel this good about myself and my life
Sit in a dark dark corner and wallow in self pity cuz I can't get my boyfriend to listen to a fucking word i say, and wake up bitter, angry and alone screaming song lyrics that reflect my frustration, knowing that half the time, even when i was with him, i was never there
I remember holding his hand once and it felt so so so wrong, and i felt like such a lying bitch, like i wasn't being fair on either of us
But now, looking back at how I was, I really don't deserve to be so happy, to feel so fucking good about myself and my relationship and my current life
I'm going to NZ soon with scott. We're gonna save and contiki it. And it's going to be great. Hopefully in winter - I've never seen snow before
Then I'll be doing business at tafe and opening a piercing and tattoo place, and that will also be marvelous
I kick arse in sales and call stats, my customers adore me, my mum and I have never got along better - especially since I started going out with scott. He keeps me calm and she thinks he's perfect. The bees knees. When we're talking, just me and her, he's the future son and I think it's great.
I like that she likes him cuz it means I get to have him around. She said she was getting tired of me wasting myself on people, and I agree. There's two people in this relationship with scott, and perfectly formed middle ground
Anyway. I am plagued by self doubt alot. That is obvious in my previous journal entries.
I need to start a new self. Something that describes who I am and what I do, and my obsession...
So, if you still want to stay in touch with me, you'll find me on www.vampirefreaks.com/SinnedMySkin_xx
It just seems to suit me better
For those who choose to not continue to follow my journey, it's been swell. Really. But not everyone is destined to stay in touch forever.
LoveLovexx
Roxie.
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never been in love like i am right now
never made plans like i have been
never missed someone so much when they are gone
never trusted someone so fast and so completely
never sulked when someone had to go to work
(even though i have to soon as well)
Never thought I'd want to give myself away if it meant someone else's happiness
Never been so proud to show someone off
Never been so disregarding of what other people thought
Never found someone else so perfect in my life
As you.
I love you scott <3
xx
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I'd Cherish All My Misery...alone.
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February 27, 2008, 04:51:am
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A few things I just need to talk about because when I try to explain it, it sounds wrong or I get upset so I'd rather just post it here...for those who need to know I guess
Friday was a terrible day. Scott drove me up to muswellbrook to see john cuz it was like, a year on sunday since he died. I sat at the grave for a very long time just being angry and crying and being angry and crying. Really. And then we drove back to junkietown.
Saturday I took my twinnies bowling and apparently you can't get bumpers unless someone is under 12. cunts. where's the fun in that?!
anyway. Sunday is the one that was shit.
Got to soundwave, thought la had my ticket. Apparently I had my ticket all along so scott sped back to mine and i turned the entire house upside down looking for it, to no avail. I was so shattered. It was like the blood rushed out of me and I couldn't move. cuz I've been so sad lately soundwave was just something i was REALLY looking forward to. I've been wanting to see MSI for SOOOO long and it hurt so much. So I cried. Also sunday was exactly a year since john died and i (thought i) lost a ring that was very important to me.
Anyway other stuff happened as well and it was like the icing on the cake. I've been faking happiness cuz I dont wanna be like what I was in high school. So by the end of sunday I was a fucking mess, shaking in my bed watching candy and wondering why everyone delights in fucking everyone else over.
And then wishing I could do so much over, like, apologise to certain people and fix my life but it's just...you can't turn back time
I'm falling so far away from the people i love, claiming that I don't give a shit when really I just don't see how I can relate to people anymore
And then while I'm by myself I just feel I have no one and it hurts So i sleep alot, or work a lot, or ignore everything around me.
Basically just waiting
waiting
waiting
And I don't even know who i can talk to anymore, even about stupid things and now I feel so stupid for crying and I know I have scott but I cant explain everything to him
So I started talking to mark again cuz he just KNOWS me already and then mum chucked a bitchfit about me talking to him and how alcoholics never change
I like to think they can change
If people can't change, then I cant change
And I'll feel this way forever and I can't deal with that
I don't know
this is fucking shit.
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February 20, 2008, 04:35:am
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off drugs off alcohol off gambling
taking steps to be healthier
scott gave me a driving lesson on sunday
learning with him was great
going to soundwave on sunday
tired as fuck
no bananas thank you mum
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February 14, 2008, 09:05:pm
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not working today
my neck is like
death
seriously
it wont sit straight without pain
so scott and i had a roxies not working today feast
and now im really death >.< lol
tired of people that disappoint
tired of people
mostly
but blink was great! saw kait! *giggles*
Me, matt, jak, scitt, lauz and LAA!!!
best night for long time
drinks on me
and so forth
never heard why sam or el didnt come
cus they said they would
but who gives a rats
still awesome time
next month =]
soundwave next sunday
yayayayayay!
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