Recently i came to realize that im really not that great as everyone seem to think... The whole business with my ex has pushed me to think and actually believe that maybe all the things she said about me, even though she said them in her rage and anger, were actually true... Maybe i really am that fat ass loser that cant do anything with anyone.. Maybe she wasnt the reason i failed at everything.. I spent so much time putting the blame on her that i failed to stay calm and rationalize my own mistakes, my own words.. After everything that has happened i figured that maybe being alone will be better cuz you dont have anyone to try and tell you what to do and you dont have to worry bout talking with other girls and sorts.. The fact in the matter here is that i got so used to having my ex for the past 2 and a half years that when everything ended there was a huge hole.. Im not really talking bout the pain and hurting. People always get those no matter what happenes after a break up. The hole i had was more like an emptiness in my time.. I was used to having someone to talk to constantly doesnt matter if it was a good convo or a fight. I enjoyed it never-the-less. And now i just feel like im really alone. Like i dont have anyone at all..
My ex keeps sending me emails. Her birthday was on the 6th and i figured out that i shouldnt be a complete asshole and send her a "happy birthday". As weird as it may sound i do still love her.. So i got on and saw that she actually had sent me an email.. It felt weird cuz she was being sweet and sorts as if we were still dating. Calling me "baby" and telling me she is happy and she is moving on fine and that she loves me. Now that made me feel a bit uneasy.. We said some pretty bad things to each other and she still says stuff like that to me.. I didnt expect her to talk to me at all anymore but she still did. So after that mail we kinda kept talking for a while. Thats when i found out bout her friend with benefits. I know this makes me a complete hypocrite but.. i felt hurt.. First off why would she even mention something like that to me.. its not like i had to know or wanted to know that.. and second.. it hurt me cuz i knew that the time came when she will be with someone there.. that will touch her and hug her and actually be there for her.. something i could never do.. even though i told her to move on and find someone there.. i still felt like she left me again.. i know it sounds weird and stupid of me..
So right now i feel really confused with my feelings.. i feel like i want her back and at the same time i dont cuz i know things wont change that much and she isnt changed and we'd still probably fight and stuff like that... truth be told i've been a complete mess after we broke up and the person that took my mind off of everything i cant really have anymore.. Im really not sure what im supposed to do or say or anything.. I guess you could say im scared.. Mood: confused, uneasy, depressed..
sometimes i really hate the fact that im so considerate and care and trust people more than i should.. for the people that have read my last couple of entries you'd know the situation between me and my ex.. well the emails didnt end.. she sent me two more now trying to make me feel bad...
this was the first one:
"Alex. I want to have a short mature convo. with you. will you please answer this ? of mine. Do you, right now, care if I am happy?"
so let me get this straight.. first she sends me an email with the title closure meaning everything has ended and she's moving on and now this? all of this time she was talking shit bout me and now she wanted a mature convo? yeah right.. the only reasons she can send that kind of an email is one - she found another guy who will put up with her and she is trying to see if i would get jealous or two - she misses the huge amount of attention i gave her cuz im sure as hell that she isnt getting that from anyone else around there. now i know that if i make the mistake of replying the drama and crap will start all over again.. so i ignored it and just now this is what i got
"-sighs- u really don't wna talk to me huh... v.v can't blame u.. I just wanted u to tel me.. that its ok to move on. that.. I can stop crying and.thinkin of u.. but ya.. I can't stop .. u were my everything I lost.. makes me feel like a really bad person.. even the guy that loved u more than anything and said he would never leave doesn't want u...... ya.. Ik u don't care.. but imma end my pain the only way Ik how.. thanks for loving me.. good-bye Alex.."
after reading that i realized that she really is what people these days call an "attention whore".. fact is that somethign liek that really can make me feel bad.. and i hate myself for that.. but looking back on all the crap i had to go through im not sure that i wanan reply to this one either.. i honestly lost the count of the "good byes" but i know im not going back to that hell again.. and if her way of ending her crying and pain is cutting and whatnot it means she still hasnt grown up like everyone has been telling her to.. and she will always live in the past and hurt.. im not gonna stay there with her.. Mood: confused..
Sometimes i get really amused when i go through the classifieds.. Its filled with "ads" i dare say of girls looking for that "perfect man". How can girls put stuff like that up i really cant understand. every post is the same. "im want a guy that's kind, sweet, loving, caring, romantic, has a great personality, looks like a model, has a stable job, has the same dreams as me, doesn't want sex, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, has a car, doesn't look at other girls etc., etc..." Are you serious? That's like going to a painter and telling him what kind of picture you want him to draw for you. There is no such thing as a perfect man. Every guy has his faults, every guy makes mistakes. Not every guy looks like a model and sorts.. It kinda annoys me. Our lives at this point doesn't allow us to have everything we want. Not the career we want not the person we want. You just can't always get what you want. And so that people don't think i'm hating on girls i could say the same for the guys... What do we guys want: "i want a hot sexy girl that has an amazing body that will do anything i want sex-wise, sexting, cybering, camming, send nude pics, one night stand, booty call, that will clean, cook, that likes the same things i like and so on and so on.." again.. what do you think this is, a barbie doll catalog? There is no such thing as a "perfect" guy or girl.. Get what you need not what you want.. You cant have high standards for people. Mood: bored
ok the saga continues hahaha
so just now i got an email titled "closure" from my ex lol closure? seriously? i've closed that book and threw it behind a long time ago XD but anyway here is what the email said
"ill leave if that's ur wish. im sry to be such a bother and bitch. everytime I try to make things better then my anger gets the best of me. im sry aleksandar. ..I miss u.. I miss us.. I love you.. always will.. maybe ill see u in the real world one day.. who knows.. but promise ull say hi.. goodluck out there.. good wishes to u and ur family.. good bye Alex.."
bahahaha remember that email she said "my life will be better now that you're gone"? haha maybe now it will FINALY be over and she will stop with her annoying emails trying to blame me for everything. Mood: amused
ok this one is gonna be fucking long lol
i wanna share with all of you people what kind of convo me and my ex had in the course of a month.. now you people tell me how much of an asshole i am.. ill even add a poll for you haha
the story of my break up was that my ex happened to be some kind of flirtatious attention whore (girls sorry bout the expression if any one feels offended) and even tho i told her that i dont mind her flirting as long as its nothing serious i didnt mean for her to keep flirting dayly. so she come online one day after work and tells me i have a competition cuz she went to the movies with a coworker of hers she knew for like a week or so. and i dont need to say that we were in a relationship for 2 and a half years. so i didnt figure out how a guy she barely knew can be my competitor. obviously i got mad at that point and spoke my mind and after she said she is tired of all the long distance and wants a real relationship. i told her to go on and go out with the guy. and she gets mad at me for "not fighting" for her. so first i get mad and dont want her to go out with other guys and its my fault then when i tell her to go out with other guys its still my fault? where is the logic. i should point out here that during those 2 and a half years she tried to break up with me 6 times and i was literally begging her and crying like an idiot. is that not considered fighting for her? you guys tell me. and her excuse for those 6 times was that she was apparently testing me.. how can you test your bf like that when you can see him practically on his knees begging? i dont get it.. so she broke up with me after the whole competition thing and a long month of fighting went. in that month we were supposed to stay friends and forget bout the bad times and sorts (staying friends was also her idea) so i agreed but she wouldnt stop bringing it back and it caused us to fight even more. so here are the last epic emails for you guys...
"....i was.. never good enough to get a second chance was i.. no i gues i wasnt.. after we broke up... i was nothin to you.. you treated me lik....... the way i guess you treat ur friends.. which is bullshit.. im glad i was .. barely ur friend before we got together.. its lik i was barely.. anyone.. lik u went from loving me.. sooooooo very much... to.. nothin.. so much nothing.. that i thought you hated me.. ...bt.. u didnt care.. or so you acted.. but w.e.. your life is in ur own hands.. lik u wanted ok.. do what u want.. find some other girl.. who loves you as much as i do.. who treats u better.. who has a better body.. its nt lik i was good enough anyways.. i hope ur happy ... ur so happy.. my body.. was nothing.. i gave it to u.. gave u all u wanted.. even after my past and how bad i was stil.. affected.. and now.. it was a mistake.. i should of never showed u anything.. :'( .... bt fine.. ull find a girl who wil show you all of it again.. ..thanks.. thanks for takn my heart and breaking it into as many pieces possible.. thanks for being the guy i never thought you were.. thanks for breaking all ur promises.. bt most of all... thanks for taking one look at me.. and loving me.. you never should of... i warned you so many times.. but my attempts were futile... and now its my fault.. cuz u didnt care.. bt now.. now.. you care.. youve finally listened and understood.... im a bitch.. a cold.. heartless.. bitch... .....hav a nice life alex..btw.. i burned ur shit...... ..ya i hope that hurts.... its what you get.. when you hurt me.."
"listen you ungrateful brat.. dont talk to me bout second chances.. i gave you all the chances you wanted.. 6 times.. i was here for you every single fucking day.. just for you so you would get all the attention you want. i was there when your family and friends were against you.. i was here when you were crying and hurting.. when no body wanted you as you put it. i was here when you were bullied when you were in fights.. i cherished you and loved you ever step we took. you talk about the saying that if it loves you it will come back and it will be youtrs.. yeah i had a lil break and i came back BEING YOURS again... but look how it went .. YOU broke up with me and HURT me.. so dont talk to me bout how i broke your heart! you were the love of my life but you were so selfish and full of yourself you thought that everyone in the world gotta pity you and give you the attention you want. my love for you never died i always loved you.. i never stoped loving you! and i fucking told you to stop talking bout the break up and it will be better but no you had to keep talking bout it and make it worst!.. what you did to my stuff is your choice as i told you. im keeping yours.. at least they will remind me of the person i feel in love with.. not this.. you're not the Deonne i love.. you're selfcentered and selfish and stubborn and i get the feeling you enjoy making everyone around you misserable.. i dont hate you i never hated you. i told you hudreds of times im not gonna talk about the crap that happened. but you kept pushing it. this is what you wanted.. i just agreed to your terms.. the break up the friendship.. the "deleting me from your life" everytihng i agreed to! instead of giving me all that bulshit bout how hurt you are maybe you should really GROW UP and live with your mistakes.. i have no regrets what so ever cuz i did the very best for you and gave you everything you wanted! and you got nothing on me. for everything you did for me i did the same for you! so hate me curse me do what you want! i gave you enough second chances but you blew them all. im not a fucking robot i got a heart too and when YOU broke up with me it died.. after that i tried to treat you as best i can but you kept bringing the shit back. i told you i was done with you. if life brings us back together it wont be now.. now you have a good life and deal with the mistakes you made."
-i gotta say that during those 2 and a half years i was barely getting any sleep and trying to stay online for her 24/7
"im not the one who needs to grow up alex.. but thanks anyways .. i wil hav a nice life.. now that ur gone.."
-you should remember that "now that you're gone" part here..
"funny you say that when your friends kept telling you to grow up for the past 2 years.. yeah good luck with that hope everything somehow finally works for you. i am gonna ignore you now so you dont have to waste your time talking to me anymore.."
-at this point i began ignoring her following emails..
"thanks for being lik the others.. i really appreciate that.. i dnt see how you stil wanted to be wit me bt w.e.. u wont reply to this .. ur ignoring me.. ya wel.. i hope u keep failing college.. cuz it wasnt me who made u fail before.. i hope ur parents get a divorce and no one is ther to help u.. i hope u never come to America.. cuz u dnt deserve the freedom we give.. and Alex.. u r lik ur dad.. in so many ways.. so have fun being him.."
"..are you stil ignoring me?.."
"guess you are.. ok then.. later.."
"..sry for ruinin ur life alex.. shoulda never been in it to begin with.. i warned u.. bt.. ig thats my fault too.. oh wel right.. ya.. right.."
" ..pls stop ignoring me.."
"why are you doing this to me?.. :'( ..."
" ..pls.. say something!.. ...am i nobody anymore.."
-so here was probably my mistake.. i should've kept ignoring her but instead i was trying to get her to stop..
" ill say this only once.. leave me alone.. i have nothing else to say to you.."
"do you really hate me that much.. I went from being the love of your life to nothing.."
"fine.. ill leave you alone.. your such an ass sometimes.. how you can go from sweet to that idk.. thanks for everything.. I guess you were a waste of time.. and love.. you say I was like the other girls but there is a reason no one can deal with your ass.. go back to doing what your good at.. being a lonely loser.."
and that is the ending so far... i guess im just like all the guys who use girls to get what they want and dont care bout anything else.. i dont want pity or anything just wanted to share this so you guys can see how all this turned out to be all my fault.