It's been a long time since I've made an entry in this thing, or even signed into VF for that matter.
I looked over some of my old entries before and in all honesty not a lot has changed.
I still miss my ex, I don't talk to my mom about my feelings anymore and I'm eating even less than I was.
People still try to reassure me by saying things can get better, but it falls on deaf ears. I'm tired of people feeding me lies. Some people lead decent lives, others start out crappy but turn things around, and still others lead crappy lives no matter what they do to change.
The things we have in life are just what the world lets us have, hard work helps, but ultimately if forces beyond your control say "sorry that's not gonna happen" then you've wasted your time.
From birth to the grave, the quality of our lives is determined by forces outside our control.
Some people I've said this to have challenged me, to which I just say "then how do you explain the countless people in the world who work their asses off and have nothing to show for it?"
I'm tired of fighting against impossible odds, I'd have better luck stopping a freight train by throwing pebbles at it.
Obviously I'm, as usual, in a poor mood. That's mostly why I've been staying off of VF, keep my crap out of the messageboards because I know nobody would give two shits.
My birthday is coming up, and it's making my normally foul mood even worse. I want to just ignore it and let it pass unnoticed.
I don't need to celebrate the fact I'm a year older and have to go through yet another year of mental anguish. To add to this, the day after will mark the one year mark of when my ex left me. Even after nearly a year I still love her.
That probably sounds creepy to some, but really, everybody has a least a small part of themselves that hangs on to a past love, even if both of them have moved on since then.
I can't move on though, there's nowhere for me to go. I've given up on ever having a decent life, hell I'm probably slowly starving to death since I only really eat when mom's around, which isn't that often anymore.
I won't be missed though, most of the people I know on msn will never notice I'm not around anymore. The people in the games forum won't notice or care since I'm little more then a name on a screen to them.
Don't get me wrong, I know I won't actually die, with the way my luck is I'd probably become selfsustaining or something without needing food or drink. I know that's impossible, but still it wouldn't surprise me, hell I'd probably just start laughing then sink even deeper into depression.
Even I have a hard time believing I'm really only 24 at the time of writing this, I'm physically 24 but I'm as bitter as an old man.
Oh well, if I annoy people on msn enough they will just ignore me, and I don't talk about things with my mom anymore, not since I learned how she really feels.
Well the truth has finally come out. My own mother doesn't care.
I'm not surprised really, she has no clue how to help me and she claims to care, but that's obviously just a lie since her first choice when I vent how I feel is to just have me admitted to a mental hospital. Reluctant or not, the fact she even considers the idea tells me she doesn't care.
When I vented to her the other day the first thing she asks me is "are you a danger to yourself?", so she's obviously just looking for an excuse to hand me over to some government run facility that's little more then a fucking jail for the mentally infirm. She just wants to rationalize it for herself so she can sleep at night or look at herself in the mirror and tell herself "well at least he's alive".
She and I fought over this of course, and I told her how I felt, told her the truth of the matter and she broke down into tears and then drove the final nail into the proverbial coffin by turning to the same tactic everybody else uses, laying all the blame on me and telling me that I'm choosing all this.
If all this was a matter of choice then I wouldn't be in this boat, I didn't choose to have my kidney fail as a kid, I didn't choose to fall through the systems cracks, I didn't choose to have my father fucking abandon me, I didn't choose to have my girlfriend leave me.
Nothing in my life has ever been of my own choosing, it's just fucking happened and there was nothing I could do about it even if I wanted to.
I haven't spoken to my mom since yesterday, hell this morning she was here, but I just stayed in bed until she left for my sisters again.
I probably should apologize to her for the things I said, but it's too late for that, the things I said aren't the sort of things a simple sorry makes up for. Even if I did apologize, I don't expect her to forgive me, I wouldn't be surprised if she hates me now.
Ordinarily the sight of my mom crying is something I can't stand to see, but when I made her cry the other day I honestly felt nothing...I didn't care that she was crying.
I don't honestly know what to think anymore, some of my friends still say they care or that my mom cares even if I don't think she does, but what does it matter?
It's taken me several hours to write this entry, which is why my mood has shifted somewhat, but it doesn't matter in the end.
My friends all live miles away, many of them live in different countries, and now my mom is no different, we may live in the same house but she can do no more then anyone else can.
If things really are down to me, then it's all over, I lost my will to live a long time ago, the only things keeping me alive now are my own cowardice and the fact that even if I were able to get past that cowardice, the world won't let me die, so I have no option but to live in prison, be it my own home, a mental hospital, or anywhere else.
It's been awhile since my last entry. I don't tend to write in this thing very often, mostly because very little ever happens in my "life".
Lately things have gotten even worse for me emotionally, and to add to it, last month my uncle started staying with us while he's between apartments.
Ordinarily this wouldn't be such a bad thing, but considering that he's by far the most disgusting man I've ever known it makes it rediculously hard to live with him.
He's got a nice personality, but his habits kind of cancel it out.
I can't say this without sounding petty, but at this point I don't care anymore, it's not like I have friends or anything who give a damn.
My uncle is incredibly overweight, and when I say overweight I don't mean by 50 pounds or whatnot. he's around 5'6 or 5'8 and easily weighs over 400 pounds. Since I was once overweight myself his size alone doesn't bother me, it's the fact he has little to no consideration for others around him that gets on my nerves.
it's a bunch of little things really, he quite loudly smacks his lips when he eats, he wanders around the apartment without his shirt on (both mom and I go out of our ways to avoid looking at him when he does this, which sadly for us is every day), he can't sit still or be quiet when watching tv or a movie even though we have told him before NOT to talk during movies.
Probably the biggest thing though is the combined fact that not only can we not afford to feed him (a fully stocked freezer would last mom and I 2 months, he went through it all in 2 weeks), but he also constantly asks to borrow money from mom, not to mention he hits her up for smokes too, even going so far as to just take them if she's not around.
One of the things mom can't stand is that anytime he sits on the couch or hangs around, he leaves a powerful stench behind, so powerful in fact that it only takes a second, litterally, for the smell to move from him to whatever he was in contact with. My sense of smell must be really weak since I can't pick it up.
While most people probably wouldn't do this simply to be polite, I won't hesitate to grab the febreeze and drench whatever he touched, even if he's standing right there.
This is especially true since, when mom is home, he sleeps in my room and I'm out on the couch being driven mad by the incredibly bossy cat (hard to sleep with a cat constantly meowing and meowing).
Personally I would like to kick him out of the house, mostly because I'm sick of him and feeling like a guest in my own home.
I'm not secretive about this, mom knows I want him gone, but she takes the "he's my brother" approach and doesn't say much to him. Admittedly she did tell him it'd be best if he left, but if he digs his heels in I don't see her getting forceful.
My mom is far too nice for her own good sometimes, and she's incredibly reluctant to rock the boat for any reason even if it's in her best interest to do so.
I'd have no qualms about throwing him out on his ass, even though I don't have the physical strength required to litterally throw him...or the money to pay for the repairs when his ass cracks the sidewalk.
The last few years of my life have taught me that the word "family" really has no meaning in the world anymore, and since he's my uncle in name only, he's not actually blood related to my mother or me, I wouldn't find it hard at all to kick him out. However I don't do it because I know it would just cause more trouble for mom.
"Uncle" aside, my emotional state has been slowly, but steadily degrading over the last few months.
I've gone from wanting to change but feeling like it's impossible to basicly losing all interest in even getting out of bed in the morning.
I'll never get better, I can't find help even if I want it, and even if I did somehow get help I'd be in therapy for the rest of my natural life and all it would take is one attack on me to destroy it all and send me back to square one.
It might seem like I'm just whining, maybe I am, but I know how I am too, I don't have what it takes to survive in the world.
I'm not even bothering to take care of myself anymore.
I barely eat, I don't shower much, I've got 5 busted teeth and I probably have an abcess or two as well since occasionally my jaw hurts..though I've never cried out over the pain in my jaw, what would be the point? Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain because physical pain eventually goes away.
The idea of trying to commit suicide has flashed through my mind a few times lately, but I still can't do it, like before I'm too much of a chicken shit and if I ever did somehow work up the balls to try and take the cowards way out I don't know any effective or painless methods to do so...if I ever do try to kill myself I want to know that there's no way in hell it'll fail.
I'm not going to bother to mark this as a private entry, nobody reads this stuff besides me anyway, and since this entry is rather long even for me I know that even if somebody did look at this entry they won't read more then a few lines before saying "fuck this, too much reading" or something.
I think it's finally happened.
Recently something happened that has hurt me so profoundly that I finally lost the will to live.
When my ex and I broke up, a small part of me held onto the hope that we might get back together in the future.
I'm sure that's a normal hope that every person experiences when a relationship ends, especially one that ends on good terms.
Recently however though something happened that, regardless of my assumptions being correct or not, has put, at minimum, a chip in that hope, or at maximum, has utterly destroyed that hope.
Being the person that I am, I often willingly put myself into situations where I could potentially be hurt emotionally rather then turn a deaf ear to my friends.
No matter how much something I'm told can hurt me I will never tell a friend "I don't want to hear it" even if I honestly don't.
No matter how much what they say could hurt me, I would be hurt even more if they kept secrets from me simply to keep me from being upset.
It might seem foolish to some people, to be so profoundly affected by a single woman, especially one that in all honesty I may never actually meet face to face. Unfortunately though we cannot choose who we fall in love with, it just happens.
Doubly unfortunate for me is the fact that I'll never be able to see her as just a friend. Even if we never get back together, she will always be the woman I love.
I'm respectful though, not one of those insane people who thinks that if they can't have someone then nobody will.
No matter how much pain I feel as a result, no matter how much my chest burns and my vision blurs from tears, I will always be supportive of her and wish her the best. I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.
If by some chance she comes across this entry, please, don't worry about me, don't let me hold you back from enjoying life. Don't worry about upsetting me, no matter how much it might hurt me, I'll always listen.
You don't need to worry about me trying to commit suicide either, not because I think I would botch it, I'm simply too much of a coward to even take the cowards way out.
My will to live may be gone, but until my time comes I'll still be here.
Well it's happened again, another attempt at being normal and trying for something meaningful in my life has come to an end.
Today my girlfriend broke up with me, I'm not upset with her though, it's not her fault.
I'm incenced at myself for being dumb enough to honestly believe that if I worked hard, thought positive, and put real effort into it, I could actually have something meaningful in my life for once.
In past relationships I always kept some kind of a mental defense in place, I always assumed the relationship would fall apart, it was just a matter of time.
With her I let down all of my mental defenses and kept them down, I honestly believed things could work out between us despite the distance involved and our own individual problems.
Ordinarily I see no point to working on my own issues, especially for my sake, because every time I have tried to change things, even just a little bit, I've been called selfish and screamed at, so eventually I just stopped doing things for myself.
I've never bothered to set goals just for myself, or expectations, or allow myself to have wants or desires of any meaning.
With her I saw a point and had a reason to change, to make her happy.
Quite litterally for the first time in my entire, empty life I had a goal that actually meant something. I was more then willing to work on my issues no matter how long it took and no matter how negatively I talked or reacted.
I would have put some effort into it, sure things like therapy and changing ones self-image and way of thinking do take a long time, but I was willing to put that time in.
Now however I have no goal, no reason for anything, no point in bothering to change.
I tried to keep our relationship together, but because of my inability to clearly say what I mean, I just ended up making her more and more upset, so in reality I wasn't protecting my relationship, I was destroying it.
My personality makes it impossible for me to have relationships of any meaning, I know I'm a good person, albeit quite troubled, but apparantly whether or not I want it to, my personality drives people away.
I honestly believed I could have a meaningful relationship if I worked hard at it and believed in it, clearly I was wrong.
Before it was just pessimistic ranting, now it's iron clad confirmed. Even if I try my hardest to have a meaningful relationship my own personality will just destroy it.
People claim it's because of choice, it's not choice! I'm not choosing to destroy my own relationship, my intent was the exact opposite, I wanted to protect it and help it grow, I wanted to make it strong. I wanted to make her feel loved and important and happy and content.
Maybe I'm being naive, but is that really so bad?
Is it really naive to just want to have a happy relationship with someone?
Is this the kind of life I'm going to really live?
Am I really going to destroy everything I touch no matter what my intention actually is?
I suppose it won't really matter, the chances of my having an actual meaningful relationship, now that I know how things really work for me, are zero.
Sure I might meet some other girl some day, but I'll eventually destroy that relationship without intending to as well, the same for the next, and the next, and the next.
It's all pointless, whoever coined the term "there's somebody out there for everyone" is a damn moron, an optomistic little twit that just wants to perpetuate a happy little lie for people to believe in so they can feel better about themselves.
If other people want to hold hope for things, fine let them. They can believe in all the lies they want.
I know now that no matter how hard I try I'll never be happy, I really am going to die a bitter old man, and not because of God or murphy's law, but because of my own personality, no matter how decent of a person I may be in ordinary conversation, when it comes to things that actually mean something I'm the bane of my own existance.
I think I'll just go back to the way things were before she and I dated, minus the hidden hope that maybe I'll actually be happy someday.
I'm no longer living, I'm simply existing and waiting, alone, until the day I finally die.
