So, I've gotten over Chris. I'm done waiting for something that I'm never going to have. And waiting for someone that isn't even the same person I had. He has changed into a cold-hearted person that couldn't care less about me or my life. I'm single, and I'm in no hurry to change that. Until I find someone that deserves my time, love and energy, it's staying that way. If someone does come along and is everything that I need in a significant other, then so be it. But I'm done searching for that person. I've tried that enough in my past and all it has led me to is extreme physical and emotional pain.
For everyone that knew me when Chris and I were together, that Jenny is still here, just way more guarded and careful. I'm no longer just going to throw myself out there anymore. People need to earn my trust and interest. For those of you who have just met me within the last couple days, be glad you met me this way. I have way more self respect for myself now, am much happier this way.
Get to know me before you judge me based on this journal. I seem like a bitch, I know. But it had to be said.
Est. 19XX. Mood: Wooo. Work in the morning. -.- Music: Chip Off The Block; Machine Gun Kelly. <3
Welll, first off.. yeh, me and Chris broke up right before Christmas. And yes, it was really my fault. I threw away every good thing I had with him because of my own ignnorance. Why? Because I'm fucking stupid. I regret every bit of it. I lost the one good thing in my life because I was too blind to see what I had. The one truly good guy left and I just droped him. I can't believe I ever did it. And I tried to justify it with ridiculous things that, in the real world, would never be even close to decent reasons. A boy who would do absolutely anything to make me smile, love me no matter what, and at the drop of a hat, answer the phone, even if he was in the middle of a war zone. Not to mention, fly all the way around the world just to see me.
Now I'm with a guy, who in the beginning was awesome, until I realized that he does all the drugs he does and decides he needs to choke me because hes pissed off. Argues with me eveey damn day about srupid shit.
Oh, how I miss the old days. How much I miss Christopher. All I want? To be back with that boy that still, to this day, means more than anything to me. And I shall have rhat, patiently waiting for the day. <3
So, it hasn’t even been two weeks since he left and life just isn’t the same without him here. My life adjusted so much in the three weeks that we were together. I got used to every aspect of being around him all the time. I could so easily just pick up and change everything to live with him. I wouldn’t have to actually change anything, our lives kind of just melted together, and fit perfectly that way. Every second I spent with him was the most amazing time of my life. We were never apart for more than half an hour at a time, the entire time he was here. I wouldn’t have it any other way, besides him maybe having been in the shower with me, haha.
Two weeks in Maine, spending every bit of my time with him. Whether it was just laying in bed watching movies together, kicking his ass at Call of Duty, or spending time with OUR friends. It all just seemed so natural. And it was, because this is what we are meant to be doing, spending our lives together, doing everything together. We got even closer to each other than we already were, and he got so close to my friends that they aren’t even my friends anymore, they’re our friends. And that makes me sooo extremely happy.
We spent every day living like we would never see each other again, not consciously, but sub consciously, because we both knew what was coming. The unfortunate day that we were going to have to say bye. Neither of us wanted the day to ever come, and I even thought about just hiding his passports and saying that I had no idea where they went so he could just stay here. But he has obligations and responsibilities, so he had to go home, no matter how much we hated the idea of it. If it was up to us, or even just him, he would stay in a heartbeat.
All the stuff that we crammed into three short weeks, all the amazing things we got to do together, doesn’t even compare to the times we just got to spend together. I had more fun just laying in bed with him, my head on his chest, his arm around me, watching a movie, than I did anything else. We went to my cousins wedding, went to Nevada and shot guns for two days, shot the one gun I’ve always wanted to shoot, spent the night in Vegas, saw Criss Angel. Fuck, I even got up on stage and hugged Criss Angel. And even though before we went I thought all of that would complete my life, I had more fun just being with him. Him just looking at me was better than the fact that I hugged a famous person. The kisses I got from him was better than the fact that I was in Las Vegas. Every single minute spent with him was worth more than any amount of money I could ever imagine having. Because it’s just that, all that stuff is actually worth more than anything in this world to me. I would rather have the hugs, kisses, cuddles and just spending time with him, than anything. I wouldn’t trade it for a billion dollars.
I spent three entire weeks sleeping in Chris’ arms, every single night. I knew that that is exactly where I was meant to be. I knew it before, absolutely knew it. But now that I have actually done so, I couldn’t even imagine doing so with anyone else. There isn’t a single person in the world that could ever compare to him in my mind. He is the absolute perfect person for me, in every single way. I know I said this before I ever met him in person, and the fact that I am still saying it after I spent time with him, should convince everyone that ever had doubts about us, that this is completely real and is forever. Yeah, we were engaged after only having had been together for three months, and now at we’re at almost five. Yeah, it was quick, but why does anyone have the right to judge what we have. If we both feel it and we both know that we’ll be together forever, why shouldn’t everyone just be happy for us? This is the boy that I am going to spend the rest of my life loving, and I don’t care what anyone else thinks. My parents love him, my best friend and her husband love him. Hell, their kids even love him, and when I say ‘Uncle Chris’, they look at me like they know exactly who I’m talking about. So who’s to tell me that he’s not good for me, or that he’s not who he says he is. If you don’t like it, or believe what we say, then you can kindly see your way out of my life, because I’m done listening to everyone’s negativity about the best relationship I have ever had, and about the only person that has ever done nothing but love and care about me. I’m done trying to convince everyone that he’s the amazing person I know him to be, I’m done trying to make everyone understand. Either support what we have or leave. I no longer care to have the people like that in my life.
Christopher Edwin, we both know what we have and no one will ever be able to change how I feel about you. You know that I love you, more than anything. You know that I have always felt that way, and that I always will. You never think twice about it, you never doubt it. And it’s all exactly the same on the other end of things. I know how you feel about me, I know how much you care, I would never doubt ANYTHING you say. You are my missing puzzle piece, my other half, my best friend and my soul mate. I can’t wait to marry you and start our family. And I pinky promise, handsome, that this is forever. <3 Mood: Not entirely sure. >_< Music: The tv.
He's only been gone for a little over twelve hours and I already don't know what to do with myself. It's so crazy that he was here for three weeks and that it's alredy over, I got so used to sleeping next to him, waking up to see his face, the kisses, the cuddles, the hugs, the laugs, and now it's all just.. gone. All I have left are the simple reminders that he was here; my stuffed animals, his Army jacket, hoodie, couple shirts and the fact that everything smells like him. It's so incredibly hard to sleep in this bed by myself again, it's hard knowing he won't be there to hold me when I have a bad dream, it's even harder knowing that he's on a plane right now, probably crammed into a seat with no leg room, going home when he would rather just stay here. ): Mood: Sad and lonely.