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Ashweehammy420's Journal

eeeek

May 27, 2013, 02:54:pm

oh delicate soul, so fragile beyond natural care, I am drawn to you. you are the light I run towards in the darkness of life. you are not of this world, these people I pass every day. you are better than them, each molecule in your being surpasses them. I find talents in you that are daunting in their beauty, and yet the way they go unrecognized is in my mind a crime. I cling to you like a lifeboat, for you are the only thing keeping me above the violent waves of despair. I long to be such a crutch for you, also. I long to be within your warmth, blanketed in your trust and affections. for you, oh beautifully delicate soul, I would be an unsinkable ship for which you may finally find comfort, and safety. I feel with each of your timid breaths a new shard of what once must have been a heart. their bloodthirsty edges send a sensation that brings me to my knees, and even then it's full potency was masked as it traveled first through your body. every ounce of me aches to draw out all of the pain, to remove it from you like a poison, and live with it amongst my own body. I long to prove myself better than those who so cruelly formed you into this fragile thing. I want to inject back into you the ability to trust, and to love, and to feel hope. you claim that I am selfless, and no matter how badly I would like to agree, it would be only a lie. I want to say I am striving for you to love humanity again, but truly it is just me that I wish for you to love. I want to say it isn't fair that you do not trust me, and that you will never love me, but I understand where these things come from. every atom of my being screams to wait for you, that time will heal every wound. but, unfortunately, they also curse for me to fight and prove myself worthy of your affection. I want to burrow a home in the depths of your heart, and remain there growing larger still. my love for you is overwhelming in this single vessel of mine, and although I live contently within this role of friend my own heart breaks beneath the weight of the shattered pieces of your own. one day I know I must face the image of you with another, happy and madly in love. i will not have to struggle to find warmth for your happiness. it will pour out of me like the effortless expanse of the sea. I want to walk along side of you in your journey back to wholeness, hand in hand and finding the strength that we lack in each other. the greater part of me pulses in pain that you may not see how true I am to you. fear bubbles up from places unknown that within you may be reservations about me, that one day I may hurt you too. I would not call this emotion betrayal, but rather a distant cousin of it, that shows it's face now. for to stand beside someone faithfully for years and still finding yourself in the same category as the assailants is starting to wear me down. my heart and soul and mind aches for you to see that my love for you is so unfailing that hurting you has never been a possibility. to hurt you would mean inflicting the same torture on myself. I could never do it. each day I face another day of waiting for time to heal you, knowing that no number of pretty words or attempts of mine to prove my affection will have any effect. I never noticed how greatly I was drawn to you until I saw how passionately I began to fight for your trust. it worries me, this love, for it can be so easy to scare you off with it's intensity. to know that you are hurting inside without a simple remedy sends jolts of sadness through the deepest parts of me. oh, vulnerably delicate soul, let my warmth, and hope, and trust in love embrace you with it's gentle arms. you do not have to let it spill over into your soul, or soak into your body. it does not have to mean anything other than friendship, and it does not have to be a promise for a certain future. but please, through all subconscious efforts, try to welcome it with an open mind and open heart. do not feel uncomfortable within it's arms. let it mask the burden of your sorrows, and feel serenity once more for even a single second. let me be the home you crawl to when things become too much to bare, and let me take away some of the weight. I do not want you to feel as though it is too much pressure, too unfair to me. remember that you never asked me to help you, but that I offered up space for parts of your world on my shoulders happily. there is nothing in life more appealing to me than those things involving you. let me be the light that draws you out of the darkness when things become too much. let me watch your soul grow stronger, and stronger still. let me be the one to see that long forgotten smile grace your handsome face. let me watch as each feature and ever desirable aspect of you ignites. I could love you forever if you let me, and I will walk beside you through this life gladly if you welcome me.

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mind, why won't you make up yours?

May 04, 2013, 02:28:pm

I sink into these holes, so deep that the sunlight cannot reach me with its warm hands. I want to sleep until my body gives out, isolate myself from the human race, give up my last bits of air. my body longs to curl up into a ball like I did as a child, but the walls of this abysmal prison laugh at my attempts, for they surround me much too closely to allow my limbs to move. my body no longer asks for nutrients, but rather states its desire for any kind of numbing release. and being that there is nothing down here with me and my overhang of not-nearly-dead but not-quite-alive, I have no other option but to patiently wait for the farthest corners of my body to just stop. stop breathing, stop beating, stop begging. just stop being. when it seems as though I am right there on the precipice of meeting this old friend, I senselessly float right up out of that hell, and up into the clouds. I am so high up here, it is a surprise that the atmosphere allows me such large, gasping breaths. I get so happy, manic, in this waterless sea of baby clue speckled fluffy white, that it is as if I was someone completely different. I can no longer control myself, don’t want to control myself, and the whole of me aches for such dangerous things, waiting to be reassured that I am still in fact alive. my blood pulses frantically, my heart beating enough to last a thousand lifetimes. but still, I do not like this place, either. I know I am not welcome to stay. It is devastating, because falling hurts substantially more than flying, and I am always forced back down from this cloudy unpredictability, left to huddle in paralyzing silence waiting for death, and forgetting the view of the sea in the sky, freckled with fluffy white.

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add me on messenger! c:

February 26, 2013, 09:23:pm

I made a new account and don't have anyone to talk to anymore :c
so add me!
smashlee@live.com

if you want to talk to me ever, than that's your best option.
I don't really reply on here...

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start of a new story.

December 31, 2012, 04:21:pm

the scene in the room was that of a tragic horror movie. the silence was overwhelming, the atmosphere stained with pain and sadness. there was a weight in the air enough to collapse my lungs. no words could escape it's grasp. I could see no sign of life in the darkness, no body looming in view to be found. the events that had transpired to create such a scene are beyond me, and even the darkest corners of my heart weren't yearning for an answer. my mind struggled for an explanation as to why it had been me who stumbled upon this mess, why it would have to be me who carried these burning images around until my death. I would also now be forced to listen to the appalling questions of bystanders and curious, bored people. the smell of rusted metal coated my nose in layers so thick I was convinced it would take years to fully rid myself of them.

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