Q: What do you call a townie with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a townie in a blender?
A: Mush. (This one may only be funny if you live in or near York, unless they say that bloody word elsewhere aswell).

Q: What do you call a townie in a box?
A: Init.

Q: What do you call a townie in a microwave?
A: Ding.

Q: How do townie brain-cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why aren't townies good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What did the townie's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do townies wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: Why is it good to have a townie passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why is a townie like a turtle?
A: They’re both fucked when they're on their back.

Q: What's a townie's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a townie's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should townies not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q1 How can you tell if a townie's been using the computer?
A: There's tip-ex on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another townie's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the tip-ex.

Q: What's the difference between a townie and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why don't townies eat Jelly?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't townies eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.

Q: Why do townies wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: What does a townie put behind her ears?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do townies wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do townies wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Q: Why don't townies use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why do townies wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: What's the mating call of the townie?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly townie?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: Why do townies have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: Why do townies have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

Q: What do you call a townie at a bus stop?
A: At a party

Q: What do townies use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter

Q: What do u call a townie in a filing cabinet?
A: Sorted!

Q: what do you call a townie on a bike?
A: A thief

Q: What do you call a townie in a car?
A: arrested

Q: What do you say to a townie in a suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise

Q: How can you tell if a female townie is a virgin?
A: She can run faster than her brothers

Q: What do you call a 30 year old townie?
A: Failed

Q: what do you call a 30 year old townie?
A: Dunno, ask her 17 year old son!

Q: What do you call a townie without any children?
A: A toddler

Q: Why did the townie cross the road?
A: To punch someone on the other side for absolutely no reason at all

Q: Why did the townie stare at the carton of orange juice?
A: Because it had 'concentrate' on it

Q: What's the difference between a dying townie and an onion?
A: Onions make you cry

Q: What do you say to a townie with a job?
A: Can I have a big mac and fries please

Q: How do townies turn the light on after sex?
A: Open the car door



A letter from a dear townie mother to her dear townie son (many thanks to Dan)

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last townie family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Nan's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Luv Mam