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BalSeraph
Status: *Grumble grumble* Son of a bitch1
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Profile: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. Anyway, enough about me, what do you do in your spare time? Likes: Those who will excuse any crap assed coding on my part. I will be updating in bits and pieces as time permits. In other words, expect this page to look seriously screwed while I get my layout done. I like comments too, but I'm not about to fish for a rating. Dislikes: How long I take to getting around to write back to people. I will get back to you though. Eye melting combinations of text and background colours on other people's profiles - sometimes the background colour is heinous enough on its own. Dear god people, are you colour blind? Or is your colour choice based on the same principle that gave us a horrid yellow ("T.V. Yellow" to be specific) stratocaster in the 1950's? Just because it looks pretty good completely desaturated doesn't mean that those of us with properly working monitors appreciate looking at a pink-orange page that's so bright the wall behind the screen is glowing faintly of it. There's this thing, it's called "Display Properties." Find it, use it, deselect B&W and turn your fucking colour back on. If we have to suffer through it, you should too. More Coming Soon Favorite Music: If you have any suggestions that aren't on the list, let me know. Provided I'm not locked in a room with polka or tejano blasting, I'll be fine. If I am locked in a room with polka or tejano blasting, I'll become a homicidal mass of twitching flesh. Since band lists seems to be the way of things, here we go...
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