--Phoenix-- at Vampirefreaks.com

Making my return to VF after 6 years. It's Maddening what old age does to you!

I'm Sy, still working hard in life...I now have a band called Elysium https://www.facebook.com/Elysium10 (been around three years now) and currently progressing through Metal 2 the Masses to play at bloodstock Festival in the UK!. I have no idea what to do with my life right now to be honest. It's all a bit of a blur...I used to be a model and an amature photographer, I do perfer photography a bit more though and I haven't done either in quite a while. I've been playing guitar for about just longer than 3 years now, and I'm slow to pick it up properly as my fingers seem to be useless as moving fast but! I'm always pushing to learn new skills and techniques to improve. I'm a self confessed geek as well. I love WoW and althoguh I'm not as dedicated to the game as I used to be I do still play. I know a fair bit about computers and how to put them together but I know more about gaming. I believe I was born in the right time to full appreciate how far the industry has come since my first pong console! I'm really into my music. I will admit I'm quite metal bassed(but you probably guessed that) however it doesn't mean I'm not open to anything else. When I was younger I had a left and right choice...on the left was dance/hardcore, on the right was rock/metal...I had bands on both types of music but i went towards rock and metal. Back then I thought up all the genres that now exist today that combine the two styles. Most of them didn't turn out how I hoped but a few like Sonic Syndicate/Amaranthe pull it all off well! But the dance scene hasn't escaped me...I very quickly discovered industrial, ebm, terror ect which kept the dark side I crave and put it into dance! I live with my flat mate Shaun and have done for nearly 4 years! Our place is quite a lads pad and gets treated like it to...for two guys we're not tidy as you expect but the last year or so we have been keeping the place looking 70% tidyer than we used to, however the washing up still doesn't do its self and is a last resort after using the floor to put dinner on! (I'm joking by the way)

I'm a shy and quiet person, I usually keep to myself. I care greatly about my friends as long as I recieve the same care back. I feel I am a gentle, dedicated person, and quite the romantic. I'm quite low on self confidence which doesn't seem to change much if you talk to me face to face, but if you try to help me gain confidence i just shy away the more you try. It's hard to bring me out of my shell unless you're some one I instantly click with. My confidence through non face to face contact(text/fb) is conciderably higher though and I'm quite open to any question (as long as I actually want to talk to you. Despite my destructivly low confidence I am not someone who self harms or conciders suicide, my life is something I value too much, and although I don't find life easy, the more pressure life has, the better my mind works. Any situation that I actively involve myself in seems to be a drama magnet. I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse as I quite enjoy the drama my life has sometimes but on the other hand the drama isn't always in my favour. I kinda wish my life had a constant soundtrack simply because it needs it! I don't go out anywhere near as much as I used to when I was in college. It's quite deppressing as I never feel the need to go out n just get drunk for no reason whatsoever. When I get drunk it's very rarely planned with the exception of festivals(they're the only time I truely let my hair down and just enjoy myself).For a "Metal Head" I don't really come across very metal...paticularly with my obsession for wanting to own bunnys...and lots of them! I MEAN LOTS!!! Although bunnys aren't as far as my furry obsession goes. I love everything cute n fluffy and even things that aren't like tiny lizards ect....they are adorable! the smaller the cuter! When I finally get a place that alows pets I assure you a bunny will be living there before the moving van is even at the new house! I've had a cuteoverload.com calender by my screen for the last 2 years and will continue this new tradition for many years to come! My bunny obsession seems to come from something unusually morbid though. At 7 years old my first bunny (Thumper) died. When it happened, I didn't quite know what had happened or was going on. My mum did her best to explain in a way I would understand. Saying he's gone to heaven. I must have thought about this for the remainder of the day and after I was sent to bed and lay there for an hour or so, it hit me. I was going to die and "goto heaven" now I was quite happy how I was and where I was and didn't want to "goto heaven". I ran down stairs crying to mummy saying I don't want to die, I really wanted to make everyone live forever and make my bunny live forever! Now these days I know it may not be possible(i still don't rule it out though) so I hope to give every bunny an amazing life of happyness :D however it did start my fear of death phobia. Now when the day time is here and I'm out and about, it rarely crosses my mind. Now you expect to say when night time comes all is let loose and I'm more terrified than ever, well....this is true but it rarely happens. I panic and cry and I desperatly reach for my phone to call anyone close to me (usually a girlfriend) to try and gain a sence of normality and familiarity to snap me out of it. Most of the time this works and I come almost straight out of hte bad mindset. When it doesn't work I will cry and walk around my appartment for hours or even outside to try and find some normality. I don't concider this to be unusual but it certainly is an annoyancen when it happens. I am very determind to live forever at any cost, I need to discover immortallity as I love this life so much, but should I not discover it by the time my day comes then I will stare death in the face and scream at him letting him know I will not die, I will fight to the very end and cling onto every breath my body can give me. I will fix my body to carry on. This is one thing I am determind to do no matter how great the pain. Because of this fear of death it also means my next two biggest fears are flying and heights. I've tried to fly once before. I payed my way, I got to the airport, I got to the gate, I broke down, I got support, I got assisted onto the plane, I got on the plane, I got 5/6 rows from my seat, I stopped breathing, I collapsed, I got taken off the plane, I didn't fly. It was the most horrible experiance of my life and seems to show I'm just not ment to fly. It saddens me because there is so much I want to see around the world and I just don't think I will ever see it. Not being able to fly has cost me a lot in life but has gained me something more! If I die, I don't plan on dying alone. I have recently said that I'm tired of chasing after people who say they're serious but just end up not wanting the commited life I offer. But after finally being able to clear my head of these twisted thoughts I now accept the fact I do want to be with someone. All I have ever wanted from a girl is for them to accept and love me for who I am and to want to never leave. I had someone like that once...but my own stupidity and thought for her own happiness made me leave. My confidence in myself said she could do better. Sure I was right she did do better. But now I have the oppertunity to be with a girl who is better off without someone else and will get the happy life she has always wanted with the guy she deserves. Sure that may sound cocky of me but, I think I have suffered my fair share losses to finally get someone forever. I will give her the life both of us have wanted for so long no matter the distance, no matter the price. The girl that maybe will know that we're on the journey to finding each other someday, and that all the waiting will soon be finally over. And with that small insight into my life I bid you fairwell...

--Phoenix-- [at] Vampirefreaks.com